7 ways to get ahead of the sad

The days are getting shorter, colder, and darker, and maybe that explains why the other day I caught myself in a semi-perpetual state of irritation. This happens every year and I like to think that every year I get better at coping. A list of ways to get ahead of the SAD season seems like an appropriate post for today.

1. Cry intentionally about things that don't matter. This may sound counterintuitive, but hear me out. The other day I sat down to finish The Five People You Meet In Heaven (destined to have some sad parts in it) and ended up crying pretty much straight through the last two chapters. It was beautiful. And I felt so much better afterward! Lighter. Of course, it helped that the message of the book was not a depressing one. It was about love and human connection. Which is something worth crying about, if you ask me.

2. Find something to smile about. I don't mean just smile, but think of something that legitimately makes you happy. There is an urban legend that simply smiling is a mood booster, but I recently read a study showing that smiling for a reason is much more effective at bringing you closer to true happiness. Besides, we've all seen Peter Pan, right?

3. Indulge your guilty pleasures - just a little bit. This could be anything: romance novels, Miley Cyrus, chocolate... Enjoy something you really enjoy, guilt-free. Not to the point that it makes you feel gross, but just enough now and then to make you smile.

4. Exercise. This is a pretty common one, but I can't stress enough how much it actually does help. Get into a routine. Find a class that makes you feel good. Of course I recommend BodyCombat, if you find yourself often frustrated; or Zumba - "ditch the workout and party!" Set goals for yourself, especially if they're small, because achieving something always makes you feel good. And once you add in the natural endorphins and carving out time to do something you like, that's a triple boost.

5. Get out your slippers! They'd better be soft! Line up your fuzzy slippers, robe, hoodie, flannel and fleece! (I should have added Snuggies to the guilty pleasures list!) Get out your warm things. Wear whatever make you feel cozy, fabrics you like to feel next to your skin. Get out your baby blankets and Grandma afghans and gigantic comforters and fleece throws. You can't let your body be cold if you want to keep your mind and your heart warm.

6. Take alone time. Don't let yourself be afraid of being by yourself. You need to have time to breathe. That being said, fresh air doesn't hurt either. Take a solo stroll, or a drive, maybe. I went grocery shopping by myself the other day and it felt ridiculously liberating. Read a book. Have a cup of tea. Write letters. Plug in your headphones on the treadmill. Or just take a nap. But set a timer; don't let yourself get into that place where the sun goes down and suddenly you look around and realize you're all by your lonesome. It starts to feel real dark right about then.

And that brings me to...

7. Make dates. Make sure you look somebody in the eye, give a hug, exchange pleasantries or have a good conversation, at least once a day. Make plans to visit someone who lives a little father away. We need human connections to get by, and making dates gives you something to look forward to. I guess I should also add that it's crucial to be around people who lift you up, make you laugh, make you feel good about yourself and about the world. No room for Debbie Downers and Negative Nancys and Pessimistic Pollys this time of year. Pollyannas might not be the best thing either, actually. The best thing is someone who knows you and accepts all your sides, dark and light, and understands your world.

It takes a lot of effort for me to stay positive year-round, and I know I'm not the only one. I get scared and anxious and I get scared and anxious about being scared and anxious. But I'm figuring out what I can do to make it better, smoother, no matter what month it is, no matter how many hours of daylight turn my face to the sky.

posted from Bloggeroid

all good things: gold-gilded days

All Good Things is a weekly feature on the blog. It started as a one-hour Sunday night radio show on KSTO St. Olaf radio, featuring feel-good music and 10 highlights from the past week. The show, and its current written form, is brought to you by Clara, Second Set of Baby Steps creator, and my radio co-host Cassie. Sit back and enjoy!

There are almost too many good things to count this week. I had a hard time choosing list items. But that's good, right?

1. Song of the week: Counting Stars by One Republic. My sister posted this song on Facebook earlier this week and it's been in and out of my head ever since. Plus, the video is beautiful and gives me the chills.

2. When worlds collide. After Monday morning power yoga, one of the regulars looked at my St. Olaf T-shirt and said with a knowing grin, "Minnesota, eh?" It took me so off guard that I accidentally yelled, "You know it!?" Way too loud and excited for the end of a yoga class. Also I wasn't quite sure even at the time whether it was a question or a cheer...

3. Leftovers (Mom cooking). I am a fine cook, but I think we all know there is nothing like a good dinner cooked by our moms and then packed up and sent home for leftover lunches.

4. Delaware, Small Blunder... Wonder! Small Wonder. This is one of J.'s and his dad's favorite jokes. Somehow it never gets old. There are plenty of jokes about Delaware. Among them, the One Degree of Separation. I went to a networking event this week hosted by the county's top radio stations - immediately ran into someone I knew, and heard a lot of familiar names throughout the night. It's a small state and I actually like that.

5. Surprises. My dad made cinnamon rolls on Monday night and forgot to send them home with me; so my mom dropped off a tupperware full of them on my porch for me to find when I got home from work.

6. Swype. I don't know how I've missed this 'til now, but I discovered a feature on my smartphone where I can just drag my finger around the keyboard and it automatically spells words for me. It's like a super-modern T9. Makes typing very speedy. I am obsessed.

7. The Five People You Meet In Heaven. Another book from Mitch Albom, the author of Tuesdays With Morrie. It is a quick read, or would be, if I used my free moments for reading. I polished it off this weekend, with no shortage of tears, but it is beautiful and inspiring and makes you think about your life, but not too hard. I love that Mitch Albom went from being a sports writer to easily the most recognized writer about life and death in the United States. A topic of endless fascination to me.

8. Bonfires. A bunch of us gathered in my parents' backyard on Friday night for a bonfire. Aside from the fact that I inadvertently told three separate people to bring hot dogs and rolls (we had probably a few hundred for less than 15 people), it was a lovely evening. The weather was crisp and cold, the fire was warm, the cider was spicy,

9. Dressing up. Last night was the Halloween Loop, easily one of Wilmington's most renowned events of the year. It's basically a pub crawl, at least in theory - as it turns out the best way to hit it is to go out early, pick a place and stay there. People get pretty creative with costumes. We had a bunch of people over beforehand, and some of us went all out with our costumes. We made a fun group, and there were plenty of wild and wicked costumes out in the bars and the streets to keep my eyes occupied.

10. Fall weather. I love fall, and this week has been the epitome of what's great about it. All golden slanting sunlight bouncing off golden leaves in the trees and falling from them; those crisp mornings, hot in the middle of the day but with a breeze; smells like fall in the afternoon and like winter at night. Gorgeous. I just want to walk everywhere.

I may be cheating, but I also want to say a quick congratulations to J.'s brother and his fiancee, who got engaged recently! We have been celebrating them lately, so I felt like now was the time to shout out on the blog. So much love in the air!

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Thanks for joining us this Sunday night! Stick with me on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/TheBabyStepsSaga for updates on new posts and other stuff about new adulthood. Come back next Sunday night for a reminder of 10 good things that haven't happened yet, and on Wednesday night for a more in-depth reflection on post-grad life. Until then, be kind to each other, and find a reason to smile.

posted from Bloggeroid

hashtag remember the sabbath

There are suddenly so many things to write about. I am feeling a constant creative surge lately that distracts me from my own comings and goings and makes me restless. I guess the feeling is perfectly timed because this year I'm really going to try National Novel Writing Month and will need plenty of creative energy to crank out 1700 words a day through the month of November.

I get notifications every day from this Facebook group called Organic Faith Online, which is run by an old friend of mine. I typically don't get deeply involved in the group, since its offline community operates out of the Buffalo, NY, area, but this week's theme is Sabbath, which happens to be an area of great interest and ongoing turmoil for me.

And, given my current state of mind, I thought it wouldn't be a bad topic for a blog post. Rest is an incredibly important but underdiscussed issue in our society, and particularly for new adults.

Sabbath is God's day of rest in the Biblical Creation story, the seventh day after creating the world and everything in it. Historically Judeo-Christian belief systems have kept the Sabbath in tribute to this (and because it's in the 10 commandments - good luck getting out of that one).

But for a girl who grew up in a strong Lutheran household in suburban America, Sabbath was confusing. We didn't go shopping on Sundays. For the longest time I wasn't allowed to go the mall with my friends on Sundays. We didn't go out after church, most weeks. Saturday was the day for chores, because we tried not to do anything resembling work on Sunday. And even that was weird to me, too, because church was my dad's job and he always had to work on Sunday... So didn't that sort of defeat the purpose of the "Sabbath"?

(Of course half the stories in the Gospels are about Jesus healing on the Sabbath and everyone getting all hung up about it, and Jesus saying, "Y'all are really missing the point." But I was 10. I hadn't put that together yet. I guess God's work is exempt...)

The thing that really got me was when I said I didn't have anything to do instead and my parents said, "We need time to Just Be." In my head it was always capitalized and italicized.

And it still is, to this day. I eventually (if somewhat reluctantly) found an appreciation for a Day of Rest, and for Just Be-ing. In college I assigned myself one day of the week where I would not do homework, and wouldn't feel guilty about it either. And on Sunday nights Cass and I ran the All Good Things radio show (now a blog feature) which forced me to put on a zen voice for my listeners. The zen voice is surprisingly convincing, even to myself.

After college, when I was living in St. Croix Falls with Ann, our only day off together was Sunday. We ran most of our errands on our separate days off, but Sunday was the day we didn't have to wake up or get dressed if we didn't want to (which we usually didn't). It usually involved some kind of elaborate ritual of making and eating brunch, usually involved romping around outside or biking around town, reading in our hammocks and experimenting with mixed drinks. We talked about trying to go to church in town at some point, but never made it. Considering ourselves complete and unsalvageable heathens, we joked about "remembering the Sabbath" in our own non-religious ways.

I've become a lot more serious over the two years since then, in some ways I like and some ways I'm less excited about. #RemembertheSabbath has become a saving grace to me as I worry about money, about time, about becoming too immersed in the daily grind, about losing my conscience, my creativity, my ability to appreciate simplicity. (I worry a lot.) The hashtag keeps me centered now.



And I realize the importance of rest, and of simply having a moment to enjoy something. Now I get what my parents were talking about when they said we needed time to Just Be. Now I realize what we as a culture have lost by turning Sunday - half of our too-short weekend and our last hurrah before returning to the work week - into a day for running errands and shopping and hanging out at the mall. I guess football kind of takes back Sunday... depending on how angry your buddies get when the game turns sour.

It doesn't have to be Sunday, either. This is what I drew from the discussion on Organic Faith: we can find moments of Sabbath in each day. I'm taking one now. The Blog (usually) centers me and gives me an outlet to process the days that move too fast otherwise.

How do you #RemembertheSabbath, readers? Or do you at all?

posted from Bloggeroid

all good things: brave little toaster oven

All Good Things is a weekly feature on the blog. It started as a one-hour Sunday night radio show on KSTO St. Olaf radio, featuring feel-good music and 10 highlights from the past week. The show, and its current written form, is brought to you by Clara, Second Set of Baby Steps creator, and my radio co-host Cassie. Sit back and enjoy!

1. Song of the week: The Twist by Chubby Checker. Went out with some friends this weekend (which I rarely do) and checked out the relatively new Jameson Whiskey Bar at Kelly's (the new upstairs venue at Kelly's Logan House in Trolley Square). They had a fun band playing and I finished out the night twisting like nothing else existed. Because it's important to let go every now and then and dance like nothing else exists.

2. Constant Comment. Constant Comment is a classic. Lately it's been the only tea I want to drink. It's warm with the perfect amount of spice for fall.

3. "WE STILL DEVELOP 35MM FILM." Every morning on my way to work I drive past Walgreen's, which has a huge digital sign out front about developing film that for some reason strikes me as hilarious.

4. Ciao. On Friday J. and I went for a walk/run in the park and afterward strolled around Trolley Square looking for houses for rent. We didn't find any rental signs, but we did walk past this tiny, acute-triangle-shaped pizza joint that inspired us to get slices. It was some of the best pizza I've had in awhile.

5. Much Ado About Nothing. We got Joss Whedon's latest from RedBox, mostly because Nathan Fillion is in it, but I don't always have super high expectations for film adaptations of Shakespeare. But I was pleasantly surprised at the whole thing. I had read that Whedon took the whole script as-is, only adding one scene at the very beginning that of course changed the entire tone of the plot... but I didn't hate it. It actually added an interesting spin. I didn't like the black-and-white at first, but by the end it had grown on me. Amy Acker was excellently cast as Beatrice, plus some other members of the Whedon universe. Overall I thought it was pretty great.

6. Toaster ovens. I can confidently name this as the most genius appliance ever invented. You can make toast in it, heat leftovers, bake frozen pizza, keep stuff warm, and make food from scratch (quesadillas, baked potatoes, and fish, to name a few). Just fantastic.

7. One of my Really Important People got married this weekend. I wasn't able to make it, unfortunately; but it's particularly cool because this marriage wouldn't have been legal this time last year. Thanks to Minnesota, the 12th state to legalize same-sex marriages.

8. Reunions. An old family friend from Upstate New York got a sponsorship to do some work this week at Winterthur, a beautiful facility just a few minutes up the road from us. So this week, my mom and I met up with her for dinner at Nirvana, a Fine Indian Restaurant in Independence Mall. It was so good to get to catch up with her, and have some grown-up girl time.

9. Federal Donuts. I was introduced this weekend by J.'s brother, his fiancee, and her best friend, who fondly refer to it as "Fed 'Nuts" and tout the virtues of the donuts, the coffee, the fried chicken. Really, everything was delicious. I ate three donuts total, six different flavors: some more predictable cinnamon-sugary ones, and some like vanilla lavender, blackberry anise, and mango coconut. Plus, the place itself is earthy-cute in a way that places in Minneapolis are earthy-cute, but not many places in Delaware are. I am its latest fan.


10. People like to help each other. I posted a picture of my "save the bottle caps" jar on Instagram this weekend and within a few minutes I had two offers to send bottle cap collections for my project. Pretty cool.


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Thanks for joining us this Sunday night! Stick with me on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/TheBabyStepsSaga for updates on new posts and other stuff about new adulthood. Come back next Sunday night for a reminder of 10 good things that haven't happened yet, and on Wednesday night for a more in-depth reflection on post-grad life. Until then, be kind to each other, and find a reason to smile.

posted from Bloggeroid

what nobody ever says about networking

Well, dear readers, life gets in the way again. Or, life sidetracks. I have had this post about Meeting People in my Idea Bank for months, and was inspired to write it this week by a really great fleeting romantic encounter involving one of my friends... But then tonight happened and I have to switch tack. Keep an eye out for the Romantic Encounters post in the near future, though. (Also, I have been trying for years now -- plural! -- to get someone to write a guest post about online dating and for the life of me I can't get anyone to write it! So, dear readers, if any of you would like to take a stab at it I will love you forever.

...Speaking of romantic encounters.)

On to my story for this evening.

A week or two ago, I saw a Facebook post from an old family friend from the Upstate New York days, the mother of a girl I studied abroad with in high school saying she was going to be working at Winterthur for a few days. I commented that Winterthur happens to be just a few minutes up the road from where I am currently situated, and she messaged me right away and gave me her phone number and said she would love to meet up while she is in town.

So after work today she met my mom and me at Nirvana, an Indian restaurant in Independence Mall (fitting, since the circumstance of our meeting was the study abroad program in India).

Sidenote: Positive dining experience at Nirvana. We had a lovely combination of dishes: chicken madras, dal bukhara, and malai kofta with rice and raita; also the veg pakora were delicious. I would say it's on the underspiced side, especially compared to the fiery Maharaja Palace in Newark. The decor was also nice, and we got some joy out of the music. In the two hours we were there, I think there were only two other tables so it was pretty quiet on a Wednesday night. And now, back to the main event.

It was fabulous, to catch up after what has easily been seven or eight years, to share and to hear what we have all been up to, and to get a fresh perspective on things from what feels like another time and place. You know that feeling of introducing a high school friend to a college friend, like two versions of yourself are sliding together at least for a moment? Or the feeling of explaining a current situation to someone you knew very well in middle school, as if they can tell you how your middle school self would react to what is happening now, and reveal some sort of truth or wisdom you have since lost sight of? It's affirming.

Meeting up with this friend was also an opportunity to share updates on the lives of mutual friends, particularly a lot of the girls I went to school with on this program. That part was a little sad to me, because I have done a terrible job of staying in touch with most of them, and have mostly watched from afar as they all graduated together and visited each other around the world and traveled together. I will say that I am inspired now to drop a few notes to say hi and I hope you are well. Because I do. This is something I have never quite come to terms with: how can I ever express how often I think of people that have crossed my path throughout my life, and how important they are to me even if I have nothing really to say to them at this point in my life. I don't know. Staying in touch is a bit foreign to me. But I think I'm getting at least a little better at it over time.

I have, in fact, been in touch with at least one of these mutual friends in the past week or two, and I have been very happy to exchange a few words (and snapchats) with her.

Also in the last week I have exchanged messages with two really important people from my college days. And I've written some letters too. And all of these exchanges mean more to me than I can even comprehend or explain to myself.

So this all brings me to something I think about on a pretty regular basis, being a contributing member of society and spending so much of my time engaging with the working world: networking.

It's like a dirty word. It's what you have to do if you want career success. There is a right way and a wrong way to do it. The general feeling about it is reluctant and everybody has anxiety about it and to be honest I always associate the word with slimy and/or pretentious behavior and, at the very least, some fibbing and embellishment.

Which is really sort of silly, because I actually "network" all the time and I do legitimately enjoy making interesting connections with people. I like staying in touch with old friends who are doing interesting things; I like meeting new people who are doing interesting things and talking to them about it, and catching up with them later to find out what has changed and how the whole thing is going.

I met this woman on the plane coming back from MSP two weeks ago, who is an organizational change officer for her company. That means she travels around helping different branches of the company transition smoothly into using new systems and incorporating new policies into their basic operations, and making sure everybody is on board with what's going on. She talked a lot about the "people side of change."

I loved that! I wanted to ask about a billion questions, and I wanted to know how things turned out for her in the latest round of changes, and I wanted to talk to her about the impact of social media on organizational change and about the perspectives she gained from her studies in communications, in the context of what she was doing for work. I almost asked her if she had a card, or for some contact information, but I liked her so much I didn't want her to think I was being opportunistic, so I didn't ask. And I have been kicking myself ever since.

And I really think the reason I didn't ask is because that is a pretty standard "networking" technique and it seems opportunistic and not genuine and like just what I'm supposed to do. (We all know how I feel about things I'm just supposed to do.)

That may be more of a side effect of my stubborn beat-of-my-own-drum attitudes than the social stigma of networking, but I still think it's worth mentioning. Why can't I just think someone is cool and maybe want to talk to them about work, especially if we both like what we do and can inform each other's perspectives, without having it tainted by the veneer of corporate traditions? And why does something so pure, like an interesting conversation or a potential future friend or mentor or colleague, have to be cheapened by a term that carries so much weight of self-interest and personal gain?

I would love to hear other thoughts about the whole networking thing; I am pretty open to the idea that my resistance could easily be a byproduct of nervousness about putting myself out there, but I have always felt the whole "you have to do this to be successful" dialogue to cheapen connections between people that might otherwise be effortless and mutually enriching.

And to bring it back around to my original thought: I love catching up with you, classmates, friends, relatives and other readers. If I get around to sending you a personal message, it means I'm thinking about you and that I think you are probably doing something interesting and that I have respect and admiration and fond memories of you.

And if I don't get around to actually sending a message... I'm probably still thinking a lot of those same things.

Be well, readers; and be real.

posted from Bloggeroid

all good things: i should be over all the butterflies

All Good Things is a weekly feature on the blog. It started as a one-hour Sunday night radio show on KSTO St. Olaf radio, featuring feel-good music and 10 highlights from the past week. The show, and its current written form, is brought to you by Clara, Second Set of Baby Steps creator, and my radio co-host Cassie. Sit back and enjoy!

1. Song of the week: I'm Into You by Paramore. Great. Power frontwoman. Mushy: I should be over all the butterflies... but after all this time / I'm still / into you.

2. Monday morning Power Yoga. When I was sick last week I found out that I have a perforated ear drum, which means no swimming until it heals, or until we decide it's not going to heal and I just have to resign myself to ear plugs for the rest of my life. Anyway, that means a new Monday morning routine at least temporarily. This week started with a new class at the Y closer to my house, so I went to class and then made breakfast at home before trucking off to work. Plus, the room was so warm it was almost like hot yoga. Sweet. (Sweat...)

3. Chili. J.'s project for his day off this week was to make chili. I came home to a house smelling like peppers and beans, and a week's worth of lunches and dinners. Delicious. Plus, it's been perfect chili weather lately.

4. WDSD 94.7 - Delaware's Country Station. I've been searching for "the right" country station since I moved to Wilmington over 2 years ago, and finally found it. You may not like country; but I do, because there is a lot of humanity in it. I used to say in college, "I want to be loved like a country song" because it's all in the details. It's all about the eyes and the moonlight... You know what I'm saying.

5. Football Sundays. Our regular Sunday routine got a twist this week; instead of the usual family dinner we headed over to watch football, drink beer, play video games, eat pizza and wings with some friends. It is a great way to finish off the weekend. Great company definitely doesn't hurt either.

6. Rolling with the punches. Last night we left the house planning on a hayride and bonfire... But right as we got on the wagon the wind picked up and the rain started slicing sideways, so we rescheduled and a few of us headed to a local bar for fall beers and french fries. Not a bad replacement, if you ask me.

7. Staying in touch. This week I finally got around to writing some letters and Facebook messages to old friends, and so far I've had some really heartwarming responses. I'm hoping to be able to spend some time this week getting back to them. That is something definitely worth my time.

8. New sneakers. I bought my last pair of running shoes just after Christmas, and they have carried me through at least four 5k races and a Spartan, plus the training for those races and my regular gym schedule. It was definitely time for a new pair. Can't wait to break them in!

9. Co-host Cassie is on her honeymoon in England right now! After the mind-meltingly beautiful wedding, the bride and groom are traveling through the UK with a decidedly literary focus. Luke has appeared in recent photos with busts of Virginia Woolf -- classic for book buffs.

10. Fall weather. October is finally starting to act in character, with cooler mornings, sometimes cold rain all day and sometimes perfect golden slanting sunshine... Either way, I'm ready for it. It makes pumpkin-flavored things and sweaters feel a lot more appropriate.

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Thanks for joining us this Sunday night! Stick with me on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/TheBabyStepsSaga for updates on new posts and other stuff about new adulthood. Come back next Sunday night for a reminder of 10 good things that haven't happened yet, and on Wednesday night for a more in-depth reflection on post-grad life. Until then, be kind to each other, and find a reason to smile.

posted from Bloggeroid

game night

Monday night, after dinner at my parents' house, they busted out their birthday present from my sister: Blokus. If you haven't played this game, you should. It's a strategy game with four players and pieces that look like tetris blocks. Basically, you lay down your colored blocks corner-to-corner across the playing board, working around the other three colors, blocking them out sometimes and laying claim to sections of the board. The object is to use up all your pieces, or be left with the fewest squares when there are no moves left.

Family Game Night has been a solid institution throughout my life, and with Family Movie Night and our family dinners they have made up the core of our Family Togetherness Mission.

I know this all sounds a little bit like a TV commercial for the All-American Family circa 1972, but there is an element to our dinners and Togetherness Events that goes a little against the all-American grain, at least in my mind.

Here it is: we are hardcore collectivists. On Movie Nights, the film selection process was usually more of a production than the actual watching of the movie. We very rarely took a vote; typically, we didn't hit play until we had all expressed some level of assent to the same title. A friend of my dad once commented that he had never seen any other family completely stop everything to solve one member's crisis.

And our gaming strategy always had a lot more to do with making the other players laugh than winning.

I realized this just this past Monday night, when two out of four players grew up in other households. My dad and I spent extra time looking for moves that opened up new areas of the board for our own pieces, without cutting off anyone else. And when we realized what was taking so long, we all had a laugh. "Yeah... At my house," J. said, "we would have probably been beating each other up and yelling trying to get our pieces on the board."

It occurred to me briefly that it's easy to "win" against people who are not playing for themselves. Flashback to the last few months of Mr. McKnight's sixth grade social studies class, spent on a capstone group project called (if I'm remembering right) The World Game. We were split up into teams of four, and each team had to create a country, a name and a map and a government, and identify the key resources of this country, and for every element we created we got points. And then we went to war.

The World Game took over our relationships, inside and outside of class. I spent some time making deals with a friend from another "country," that if it came down to our two great nations, that we would call it a draw and rule together.

And in the last week of school, it did indeed come down to our two great nations. My country (Claustinora) was faced with the decision to attack, and we had enough points that we could have taken them cleanly. We could opt to pass on attacking, and if we did, then they would have the option to accept and end the game with peace, or to take us over and win the game.

We spent a long time in deliberations. It took all my persuasive power and the better part of one class period for me to convince my team to pass, that I had made a reliable deal with the enemy to end the game in peace. But they eventually took my word for it.

And my friend was overruled, and we were defeated, and I will never forget the look on Mr. McKnight's face. Disappointment. I was a star; how could I let victory slip away?! We had it in the bag.

To this day I do feel a little bad for letting my fellow Claustinorans down. My friendship with the girl from our conquering country took a bit of a beating; we got over it, but it wasn't looking too good for awhile there. Silly or not, the trust had been broken.

My innocence took a hit that day, too. It was the first time I remember understanding, with clarity, the inequality of persuasion. I remember, once she had convinced me that she was overruled and could not persuade her teammates otherwise, the sudden comprehension that I had done something she couldn't do, and that this was an important difference between us. It was bigger than The World Game. This was middle school, and high school, and the corruption of the world beyond.

But you know what? On principle, I don't regret my decision. I do not regret successfully convincing my countrymen and women not to attack. I'm proud of that. Even at the ripe age of 10 I think I had my priorities in the right order. What I would have won by letting my team attack, by breaking my agreement with my friend, was in no way worth getting the highest grade on the project, and being responsible for breaking a friendship.

Family Togetherness Activities used to be a lot simpler, back when only some of us could talk. Now things are a lot more complicated. We all have different interests and it doesn't go quite as smoothly. But we still operate the same way.

The point of playing the game is not competition, and our choice in games has changed a little because of that. We play Scattergories and Bananagrams and creative strategy games that give us something to think about, or games that just make us laugh. That's the point. Laughing together.

The world is a lot more complicated now, too. It's a lot more complicated than waging war for grades with a point system (which also, in retrospect, is more flawed than I realized at the time). Most people don't operate from a collectivist standpoint; I think if we did, if that was our modus operandi, the world would be better. But I understand. It's hard to wrap our minds around being a collective with millions and billions of people. It's hard to wrap our minds around being a collective with so many different kinds of people, who have different kinds of experiences and want different things.

But we have lost sight of the fact that what affects others affects us, and vice versa. There is some game theory, some butterfly effect, some totally random universe-at-work business involved here. When we categorically ignore what is good for people who are different from us, even if we ignore what they say is good for them, if we have a different idea of "good," we are doing ourselves a disservice. We are doing our collectives, however we define them, whether we believe in them or not -- we are doing a disservice to our communities and to the world we live in.

Give it some thought. What do we win, really, that's important, when we "win" this game? What do we win by letting this one go?

posted from Bloggeroid

all good things: there's a warm wind blowing the stars around

All Good Things is a weekly feature on the blog. It started as a one-hour Sunday night radio show on KSTO St. Olaf radio, featuring feel-good music and 10 highlights from the past week. The show, and its current written form, is brought to you by Clara, Second Set of Baby Steps creator, and my radio co-host Cassie. Sit back and enjoy!

The government may have shut down this week, but All Good Things did not and will not! Even in times of trouble, there is beauty in the world.

1. Song of the week: I'd Really Love To See You Tonight by England Dan & John Ford Coley. I heard this song on the radio on my drive home last Sunday, and it's been the only thing I've wanted to listen to all week. Classic.

2. Care packages. Just saw my girl Liz last weekend, but I got a bulky letter from her this week with a bunch of Kona bottle caps (from Hawaii) in it. This totally counts as a care package for me... Plus I've got a project brewing, one that involves a LOT of bottle caps.

3. Dads. I was out of work sick for most of this week (not a Good Thing) and on Tuesday when I woke up with a black eye I knew just who to call. My dad immediately snapped into action, took me to the doctor and then to the pharmacy and then sat with me at home until J. got home from work. I also got to hang out with him all day yesterday; we watched Castle and got milkshakes and sat down by the creek for awhile. It's nice. Dads are the best.

4. Girls' night out. Last night I went out for dinner at the Melting Pot with J.'s sister, his brother's fiancée, and a couple of friends. A four-course meal starting with cheese fondue and ending with chocolate fondue, with salad and meat we cooked ourselves at the table in between. Delicious. Plus, I do have a thing for really participatory eating experiences. And of course the company was great. It is important to have solid, intelligent, interesting women around.

5. How I Met Your Mother Season 8. This season just came out on DVD this week, so of course J. and I went out and bought it and have been burning through the episodes. SPOILER ALERT: I have been waiting for Robin and Barney to get together since the beginning of time so this season makes me dance gleefully again and again.

6. Sweet & salty caramel dip. Better than the regular old caramel dip, and not quite as sweet. With lemon-soaked apple slices? Unstoppable.

7. Leisurely walks. Since I've been sick this week I have pretty much been lying around not moving much outside of the regular bed-kitchen-bathroom-couch circuit. Finally now that I am starting to feel better J. and I went for a walk around the Newark Reservoir. It's way too hot for October, but the breeze up there is nice and mostly it's just good to get moving again.

8. Email chains. You all have heard of the "three things I'm grateful for today" email chain. This week I also have an email chain about depression and courageous expression with a fellow Delaware writer, and an email chain about company culture, jobs or lack thereof, and other solid new adult topics with some social science research friends from college. Gives me something to look forward to among the technological overload that is my life.

9. Making progress. In the good old "three things I'm grateful for" email chain this week one theme has been making progress, on personal goals and self-improvement and taking care of ourselves. Words of wisdom from the discussion: "You cannot change what you do not measure."

10. R&R. Since I was literally ordered by a medical professional to stay home for three days this week (not my personality type) I decided to make the most of it. Part of the reason I got so sick in the first place is because I didn't get enough rest, pushed myself too hard until I didn't have anything left. So this week I caught up on sleep, watched mundane movies that no one else will watch with me (except my little sister who was also sick this week) and just generally tried to breathe (which was difficult thanks to the deep cough that knocked me out in the first place, but still made a difference). I can't tell you enough how important it is to STAY RESTED! It's fall and flu season, people. Take good care of yourselves!

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Thanks for joining us this week. I hope it made your Sunday night! Like Second Set of Baby Steps on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/TheBabyStepsSaga, tune in on Wednesday for reflections on new adulthood, and come back next Sunday night for the good things that are going to happen soon! Until then, be kind to each other, and treat yourself well.

resetting

I have spent the better part of the past two days flattened by a terrible cough, which before it flattened me turned me into a bit of a zombie at work on Monday and a few days last week.

I have always known that sickness waits for me to wear myself out, and then at my lowest, tiredest point, it strikes. This is what happened this time: I ran myself into the ground; an upper respiratory infection, perforated eardrum, and OTC drug allergy took me out.

I also know that I am strong, and I construct my life primarily in order to keep it that way: mentally, emotionally, physically. It generally works in my favor.

As my doctor grandfather once told me, "Our bodies are amazing and designed to take care of themselves, for the most part. But sometimes they need a little help."

In my case, "a little help" means that a lot of people get on my case about taking it easy and going to a doctor, and then finally someone with medical authority signs a form basically forcing me to reset for a given amount of time. (I meant to write rest instead of reset, but I decided that I liked the implications of that mistake. So I'm leaving it, and I made it the title too.)

Normally I would be racked with anxiety about the world getting on its merry way (or not-so-merry way, as it seems lately) without me, but this time, surprisingly, I'm enjoying my only commute being between my bed, the shower, the kitchen, and the couch... With a lot of coughing interspersed.

I'm not sure why it's different this time. Maybe I'm just getting old and that means being glad for an excuse to take it easy for once.

Maybe it's because of what I found when I went away this weekend.

I flew out to MSP for the wedding of a really important friend from college, and while I was there got to see a bunch of other really important friends. And through all these conversations, and walking paths my feet know well, passing familiar places and through neighborhoods where people fix bikes in the lawn and leave their front doors open, I felt some pieces click into place that had been missing or out of alignment. You can probably tell that I have not been particularly comfortable with my general circumstances lately... But this weekend I started to finally feel at peace with myself, and suddenly a lot of things just made sense. I made sense to myself.

This all sounds very touchy-feely, but there is undeniable value in having good friendships and family relationships, and in those relationships clarifying our own selves and our lives for and with each other.

I'm not quite sure yet where this all is going, where it came from, what it means... But I'm excited to find out. Maybe Day 3 of resetting is just the right environment to start figuring it out.

posted from Bloggeroid

all good things: flying high

All Good Things is a weekly feature on the blog. It started as a one-hour Sunday night radio show on KSTO St. Olaf radio, featuring feel-good music and 10 highlights from the past week. The show, and its current written form, is brought to you by Clara, Second Set of Baby Steps creator, and my radio co-host Cassie. Sit back and enjoy!

1. Song of the week: Don't Stop Believing by Journey. This is an All Good Things classic, and tops the list today in honor of Cassie and Luke, who played the song at the reception AND danced to it, even though he hates both Journey and dancing, because he loves Cassie and Cassie loves him. (I started yelling as much when he chose the song, and was pointedly ignored, but the romance of this situation is not lost on me.)

(Also, I have to share with you all that I somehow managed to write the name of the song as Don'tCassieBelieving, which strikes me as important for some reason...)

Also, most importantly, never stop believing.

2. Being part of the pool crew at the Y. I have kept up swimming since it made #11 on my list of "things I want to do in life" back in June of last year. The regulars, mostly in their 50s and 60s, have started to recognize me and this week I got into a discussion with some of them about getting old, staying in shape throughout life, staying healthy and disciplined. They are so encouraging to me, even if they are good-naturedly self-deprecating about themselves, and I always tell them, "If I can be as active as you are, I'll be happy!" Just keep swimmin', just keep swimmin'...

3.Conduct Us. This week from Improv Everywhere, a Carnegie Hall orchestra plays for a motley crew of amateur conductors. "Causing scenes of chaos and joy," indeed!

4. The Fault In Our Stars by John Green. I had to wait a couple of weeks to get this book from the library, and I started reading it on the way to Minnesota on Friday. I have to tell you, it is PHENOMENAL. I blazed through almost 250 pages of it on my four-hour travels, cried on every plane, in every airport, about every other chapter. A sad, but beautiful, true book. The love in this book is just the most profound, real love of almost any book I've ever read. Also, I didn't realize initially but it's written by John Green the YouTube sensation. A multi talented man.

5. Reunions! Over the past three days, I have got to reunite with my sister, more college classmates and friends than I can count on both my hands, not to mention almost all of my inner circle. Pretty amazing, and so good to catch up and just be with these people. I do know a lot of very loving and generous people, who put me up and welcomed me smiling with huge lingering hugs, shared drinks and food and shampoo. Plus, it is good and interesting to remember parts of myself that don't get a lot of airtime in my new life and my new home in Delaware. Maybe I'll bring some of them back with me, or maybe I'll just visit them every now and then.

6. ...and making new friends too! I met a ridiculous number of new friends this weekend, starting with Cayenne the dog. Other new people I met included Emily, Jose, Francesca, Jordan, Kaitlyn, Emily, Kristy, Mitch (who, it turns out, is from Delaware originally), Ginny (who I have been hearing about since freshman year) and Matt, a few St. Olaf classmates I had not officially met or spoken to before, Tim and Megan, Neil and Jill, Brent, and Henrietta the cat. I was particularly and pleasantly surprised at how quickly I felt some solid rapport with so many of these people (and animals -- especially Cayenne) and that I was legitimately sad to be leaving them with no guarantee that we will meet again.

7. The Forster-Brotens! (Known to fans, readers, and former listeners as Cassie and Luke!) I am giddy, ecstatic, smitten, proud and honored about this latest union. And I think they are probably even happier than I am.

8. The wedding itself.I have desperately tried to avoid making this entire list wedding-related, so it can be more accessible, but I think the happy couple deserves more than one number this week. Some highlights: hanging out and goofing off with the girls while helping Cassie get ready; the look on dad's face when he saw the bride in her wedding dress for the first time (we all lost it at that point); Cassie's old stuffed puppy dressed in his wedding best: dress pants, a tailored collared shirt and vest; said stuffed puppy hanging out with Grandpa all night (the handsomest men in attendance); a beautiful ceremony in the Rose Garden, short and sweet and unassuming and intentional; the bride and groom's running commentary through dinner; dancing with wild abandon; and of course our reason for gathering trumps all.

9. Uplifting flight crew speeches. Lead flight attendant of my first return flight today gave a parting speech highlighting achievements of fellow passengers, and finished it off by telling us to be kind to one another, treat each other well, and take care of ourselves.

10. Coming home again. No matter how good the trip is or how I'm feeling about my home itself, there's nothing like a homecoming.

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Thanks for joining us this week. I hope it made your Sunday night! Like second set of baby steps on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/TheBabyStepsSaga, tune in on Wednesday for reflections on new adulthood, and come back next Sunday night for the good things that are going to happen soon! Until then, be kind to each other, and treat yourself well.

posted from Bloggeroid

guest post: the mission of moving forward

“The point, what I've got it down to, is there are only two questions worth asking: 

Why are we here, and what should we do about it while we are?”

– John Lloyd

Particularly strong during the mysterious and often overwhelming years of early adulthood, I sense within me an ache with an eager pulse, demanding that I discover what the hell it is I'm going to do with the rest of my life. Back when I was first asked this question of vocation, I recall my eight-year-old self considering gas station attendant a worthy calling (candy being the main motivator). Then, after years of school, it evolved from a question about work into a quandary of passion. I felt the need for a calling or at least a path that would eventually lead me there. So I went to a college that claimed it launched people into the real world with real skills, majored in political science, graduated, and then...splash!

As a member of the current class of twenty-something's spelunking my way through these years, this question of calling/splashing has plunged itself deep within me since I left St. Olaf. A month after graduation I began working for a large healthcare software company in my home state of Wisconsin. I found things to like about the work and travel involved. I felt challenged, enjoyed my colleagues and put in good hours with good output. And then it started to feel stale. Would working here for five years lead me to happiness and fulfillment? I thought not and decided to make my first major detour of adulthood. After two years of full-time work, I quit my job in order to travel aimlessly through the Western U.S. and Asia for an indeterminate amount of time.


I'm currently a month into that trip and although it still can feel ostentatious when I describe what I'm doing to friends, family and strangers, I think it was the right move for me. To get away and exist in an unorganized way, divorced from the routine of an adulthood I had barely experienced, is totally worth the lack of income or certainty in what exactly it is I'm accomplishing each day. I know that “taking a year off” is classic Stuff White People Like and I decided against maintaining a blog of my own after more than a few friends jibed, “Oh, you're not going to start a blog about finding yourself on the road, are you?” But the fact is not having anything to do other than what I choose to do has jarred me out of the way I was thinking for the last two years. It is affording me the time needed to reflect, reconsider and reengage in the mission of moving forward.

The first step was to accept that I am who I am and the world is what it is. I have made the conclusion for myself that the healthiest way to consider existence is as a collaboration between two basic elements - chance and choice. Sam Harris explains in his book Free Will that “you can do what you decide to do — but you cannot decide what you will decide to do.” His basic premise is that although we may have the ability to make choices, the situations we experience and how we arrive at them, as well as why we make the decisions we do, is all determined by a chaotic web of outside factors that we definitely do not choose or create. Chaos, though we would rather have order, is the stage on which we must act. It was by chance that at a certain time, in a certain place and with a certain set of circumstances, genes and socioeconomic factors, all of us became a living, breathing element of humanity. And this “luck of the draw” has a major influence on everything that follows. Being born a healthy, white, male citizen of the United States in 1988 meant a far different set of future opportunities than what one experiences if they are born an ethnic minority, lacking basic resources, in a time and place mired in violence and/or famine.


The element of chance continues to play a significant role throughout our lives, but I still think that the ability to choose A or B means we still have some power to construct our own identities. Choices we make are constantly altering our life's trajectory, and so with everything each of us does there is a slight bend and ripple to who we become.

Since chance is not under anyone's control, choice seems to be the element to consider closely. Choice is how we navigate through the dizzying amount of options the modern world provides us. Choice determines whether we talk to people we know via our smart phones when we find ourselves in social situations with people whom we don't know. Choices make things happen that would not have otherwise happened.

Choices we make are also vastly unequal in importance and differ in the level of conscious thought we employ while making them. Each of us engages in the repeated, physical tasks of daily life – choosing what to eat, what to wear, what to buy, when to set the alarm, or whether to set an alarm. There are also the more fluid and gradual choices that manifest into our goals, personalities and philosophies – deciding how to use our time and who to use it with, what to learn, what to believe, where to focus our energy and passion, when to move on to something else – decisions that we tinker with over an entire existence.

We all make millions of choices during our lifetimes and most of them are never considered again (many of them are not even consciously considered at the moment they are made – our subconscious brain is just that good). You will forget most of them, yet some choices will be so pivotal that the person you were set to become is completely rerouted into someone else. When I dropped I.B. chemistry in high school, it was unlikely that I would try again in college, and furthermore that I would ever become a physician. We all think about choices in the past we would like to change, imagining the different ways it would alter our current state. We think about the choices we can make now that will lead to the future we hope we hope to create. We always want to make the right choice, even though the amount of options available to the average citizen of the Western world makes the right choice harder to find and even more difficult to accept as the correct one once you have made it. Perhaps life is easier with a penchant for minimalism, eliminating the clutter of choices that are not truly important to happiness and are merely taking up time that you could be using to do things that actually matter to you.


I recently read the story of a man named Arthur Fields who spent fifty years taking pictures of people as they walked past him on the O'Connell bridge in Dublin, Ireland. He would take candid pictures of unsuspecting pedestrians and then attempt to sell them the instant color print, hopefully making enough money to buy film for the next day. This is how he supported his family and the reason he got out of bed each morning. Taking pictures was clearly what he loved and wanted to do. His sons claim he never even went on a vacation. He didn't take his camera to exotic locations, let alone find a different street in Dublin, for a span of time that resulted in over 180,000 photos. It would seem that this man had no second-thoughts about his choice in vocation, nor any reason to try something else. For fifty years, Arthur's career was immovable and unchanging.

I wonder if we all need to make a similar choice in order to feel fulfilled with how we use our allotted time on earth. Committing in such a complete way is a tricky decision to make. Where do we start? Most people have hobbies that inspire their quest for knowledge and skills, but there are also the jobs we do that absorb the most productive part of the day, some of which may have nothing to do with our actual passions. Can the thing you love also be the work you do? Clearly some people make this a reality, but still so many others are unable to find that happy balance. I don't know how to distill the fascinations I have with music, photography and writing into as pure a path as Arthur's yet, but this is what we all seem to be looking for as we drift through periods of employment and hobby. I think we are all determined to make our lives meaningful and that usually means finding a focus; being great at something is earned only after making many choices to first of all become better.


I visited Glacier National Park last week as part of one of the main goals of my trip to visit the majority of the national parks in the western U.S. and to strengthen my photography with the assistance of gorgeous landscapes and night skies unpolluted by light. Although my vehicle and current home, my mom's Roadtrek camper van, is both large and ornery about going up steep inclines, I decided to give Going-To-The-Sun Road a shot. Many switchbacks later, I made it to Logan's Pass with a few hours of daylight left. Feeling triumphant, I disembarked and found a hike to an overlook of Hidden Lake. I took to the path without pause. I counted the many people I passed who were descending back to the parking lot, their faces appearing pleased with what they had worked to see. I said hello to them as they walked by and they responded in kind. I passed other people, some much older than I, who were walking up the path with me. There were still others who had decided to stop halfway, laying on rocks, looking out over Logan's Pass and marveling at the beautiful scenery that had been carved by glaciers millions of years earlier.

When I reached the overlook, I joined others who were taking pictures and enjoying the view of the lake and the receding peaks beyond it. I watched as two young men judged a sign pointing to a further hike down to the water below, which stated that it was “very steep” and to “use caution.” They shrugged at each other confidently and continued on anyway. On the way back I joined a group of people taking pictures of a baby mountain goat and it's mother who were munching on grass a few feet from the trail. I noticed one man who I had passed going up retreating back down the trail to encourage his wife, who had decided to sit down short of the overlook, to come gawk at the goats with him. As I reached the parking lot I heard an old man say to his wife that the view was “so scenic and visually stunning – why do we need to walk up that mountain and sweat to enjoy what we can see right here!”

And so I noticed then that even on a single path there were still many choices to make. Even when there is a destination, something halfway there might feel better. Even when there is a sign telling you it's steep ahead, maybe it's still worth following. Even if a path is there in front of you, perhaps it isn't worth taking if you appreciate the view from where you are. And even when life seems vexing and the path isn't clearly marked and you wish you knew what to do, you always have the ability to live in the present moment and enjoy the small steps forward.


The lesson of mindfulness taught by the Buddha is very useful when I find myself wanting something to strive for and can feel that acute, aching anxiety because I don't know exactly what it is yet. To be mindful is to simply appreciate that you are alive, connected to the things happening around you and to be present and focused amongst it all. Rather than being lost in one cacophonous head-space, treating the world as an entity that you are a part of - rather than a separate actor in - can feel like a purer form of existence.

By practicing mindfulness through meditation and yoga, or at any time of day – standing in line, sitting on a bus, or in those moments when you feel overwhelmed by all the things you have to do - you can actually choose to have a more peaceful outlook. I can choose to be me right now instead of thinking about a non-existent future-me. This leads to far less time worrying and far more time doing what feels good. I realize that a calling isn't necessarily something you can choose first and achieve second. And I think that if I feel happy (or unhappy, which is a necessary part of life) with what I'm doing now and have a sense that I'm moving in a positive direction, I can accept that I have no idea what I want to be doing in 2018, 2024, or 2050 (if I'm even here at that point).

And with all the chance and choice involved from now until then, it would always be guesswork.

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Jordan is a friend and fellow St. Olaf Class of 2011 grad. He was born and raised in Wausau, WI. His favorite job was the summer he delivered pizza. Kurt Vonnegut is the reason he loves reading and writing.

all good things: on the run

All Good Things is a weekly feature on the blog. It started as a one-hour Sunday night radio show on KSTO St. Olaf radio, featuring feel-good music and 10 highlights from the past week. The show, and its current written form, is brought to you by Clara, Second Set of Baby Steps creator, and my radio co-host Cassie. Sit back and enjoy!

1. Song of the week: I Could Get Used To This by Treva Blomquist. This song came up on my Eva Cassidy Pandora station this week and gave me pause.

2. Ed Sheeran. I have liked this guy for awhile, but after seeing him live on Wednesday night I am so impressed. He's a great musician with a great stage personality. It was just him on stage and he built his songs with a looper, to this huge climax and gets the whole crowd involved... Phenomenal. Also a lot of his lyrics are really jaw-dropping.

3. The Wilmington Polish Festival. The latest on Wilmington's arts, food and culture scene, down on the Riverfront. Pierogies, kielbasa, Polish beer... Jelly donuts and chrusciki and golubki. Yum!

4. Brandywine Park. My roommate and I finished the week with a run through Brandywine Park on Friday evening, right before it got dark. The path winds along, over and around the river, surrounded by trees and old bridges and other stone structures. And with the sunset, gorgeous and peaceful.

5. The annual LCS 5k for Hunger. This is one of the first activities I did after moving to Wilmington, and every year it is one of the things I look forward to most. It's a walk/run sponsored by Lutheran Community Services, and the proceeds go to feeding the hungry. The weather is generally the kind of beautiful you almost can't believe, it's at Rockford Park which I love, and this year we raised $44,000-something for the cause! Plus, everyone has the most positive attitude. I really do love Lutherans...

6. Avocado and fried egg on rice. I've been trying to keep a few servings of cooked brown rice in the fridge lately, for emergencies, since it takes 45 minutes to cook it... Picked up a few delicious avocados last week at Trader Joe's, which is fortunate since one of my favorite quick-and-easy lunches/dinners is rice, with a tiny bit of almond milk or olive oil poured over top, a runny fried egg slapped on top and avocado slices all around. Grind some salt and pepper on top and you have one of the simplest, most satisfying meals that I eat these days.

7. Apple picking. We went apple picking yesterday, with our fams. The apples this week were golden delicious, red delicious, and jonagolds which are divine. The weather was lovely, and it started raining right when it was time to leave. (The orchard closed at 5:00 and it started raining at 5:10. Can't get timing much more perfect than that!) Apple picking is always a fun activity, and when you finish it off with fresh cider donuts it can't be beat!

8. Birthdays. Lots of September birthdays: two of J.'s uncles, his sister, his dad and a couple of his dad's friends; both of my parents; plus a bunch of other people. Makes for a lot of parties, and a number of mass parties which are an even bigger event.

9. Coffee table photo books. I discovered one of those big heavy hardcover photo books at J.'s parents' house today called Wilmington: On the Move. I don't know why it's called that, but it has a lot of lovely full-color spreads from all over the area, with mini history and culture lessons to accompany them.

10. International Day of Peace. Yesterday was World Gratitude Day and also the International Day of Peace. If you ask me, peace is something we could use a heck of a lot more of these days. Maybe I'll celebrate Peace Day all the time, even when it's not September 21.

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Like second set of baby steps on Facebook at www.facebook.com/theBabyStepsSaga! New posts show up there first, plus other articles about post-grad life, plus teasers and other important information. Thanks for reading! Tune in next Sunday for more All Good Things, and come back Wednesday for a guest blog from a friend who quit his job to "travel aimlessly" for awhile.

conquering the places we live

A friend of mine spent her first year out of college living in Queens, doing social work with the Good Shepherd Volunteer program. She didn't love New York the way some people do; of course there were things she liked about it, but she always kind of knew that she would ultimately end up back in the Midwest and live most of her life there.

So she finished her first year and I was hoping so hard that she would stay a little longer on the East Coast. Give the city a second chance.

And she did. She moved to Brooklyn and enjoyed doing the hipster thing for awhile. I went up once to visit her in the second year and we had a really nice time. Sitting in a cafe called the Milk Bar, we talked about what makes people come to New York, and what makes them stay.

She said she stayed because she felt like New York had given her a hard time in the first year, and that she couldn't leave until she had "conquered New York." I laughed and said good luck.

I didn't make it up to see her again for the next few months, and then suddenly after some time had passed I got a postcard from San Francisco saying, "I got mugged in Oakland, but I still think I really want to move here."

A little while later I heard through the grapevine that she had left New York for good, and soon after that I got a postcard from Montana that said, "I realized I never told you I was leaving New York. I'm going to try my luck on the West Coast. I'm moving to San Francisco."

We haven't talked about it, but I have a strange feeling about the whole thing. I don't get the impression that she "conquered" New York, at least not in the way she meant it when she first said it to me; but I also don't get the impression that she gave up, and let the city win. My feeling is that it was some unusual version of stalemate. I picture the two of them standing nose to nose, like in an old Western, shaking hands. My friend saying squarely, "I win, New York. I'm not going to find what I was looking for here." And New York replying, "It's been an honor, a good fight. I'm gonna let you go easy."

* * * * * * *

My current roommate wasn't wild about the house we're living in; it was too old, and too "city" (she's a rolling hills kind of girl), and too close to the bad part of town.

At the time we signed the lease, she was dating a Delaware boy. When he found out we were choosing a house in Little Italy, he said, "Oh, my dad's best friend used to live in Little Italy. I pretty much grew up there. What street is it on?" And when he found out the street, "That's the street! What block? What number?"

Turns out, it was the same house. The first time he came over he said, "I know this knocker." It's a classic door knocker, with a classic Italian last name engraved on it. "This is the house. I helped my dad remodel the downstairs bathroom. He planted that fig tree!" He ran outside, plucked a fig off the tree and bit into it. "There's a picture of me on the fridge at home standing in this kitchen!"

So she felt better about the house, and I felt less guilty about muscling her into it. We went out in the area, walked to restaurants and bars, drove to the ones that were a little farther away but still close, because we are in the city. She was OK with the house because he was OK with the house, and she was OK with him (to put it one way).

But then, a few months later, it ended, and we still had the lease. And now the house has ghosts in it. The kitchen, along with the ghosts of past dinners and desserts and especially casseroles, is home to a ghost like an old photograph of a little Italian boy standing in the corner, smiling.

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I am stubborn. I have always been stubborn. Before I'd even started school I was tethering myself to chairs I didn't want to get out of, a tactic borrowed from a girl I saw in a movie once. I have sort of learned to pick my battles by this point in my life, but still I don't give up on things easily, and I have been known on more than one occasion to hold on a little too long and a little too hard to something it would be better to give up on.

I've been thinking a lot about this "conquering" thing lately, because I've hit another wave of underdoggery, of feeling bested by my circumstances. I have developed a bad habit of remembering things I haven't seen in awhile, and automatically assuming that they were among my worthless stolen goods. And by "worthless," as I'm sure you can guess, I actually mean invaluable. I am perpetually suspicious. My heart beats faster when I miss a phone call, because I am sure that the only reason for a phone call is an urgent report of bad news. I don't trust my city or my neighborhood anymore, and that makes me angry and sad. Actually, there's a lot I don't trust anymore.

Lately I've been itching for a change. I'm taking stock of "for rent" signs in different neighborhoods, decorating the walls, and last weekend I finally cut my hair... But I'm not quite there yet. I can't bring myself to cut and run when my stock drops, as it were; I have to stick around until I'm leaving with a fair trade, where I come out richer than I went in, in at least one way. And oddly, not at the expense of my "opponent." I feel no inclination to cheat. I am a stubborn believer in win-win situations, and if I find myself in a lose-lose situation or a situation with a clear winner and loser I'm convinced that the players just didn't try hard enough. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I can even make a win-win out of a game with an opponent who doesn't care to try for it.

So you can see how I put myself in these impossible positions. It's just how I do things.

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You've heard this story before. I have a friend who went to my high school in Upstate New York, who got offered a gateway dream job out in Seattle. He messaged me to ask for advice on starting something new and completely unfamiliar, all by himself.

I must have given him good advice, or maybe he's just incredibly smart/tough/has a really high risk tolerance, because he now ranks among the most fun, the most successful, most interesting. He is eternally positive, always doing and seeing something new and wonderful. He has thrown himself into everything that has come to face him, and it puffs up my chest just knowing that I know this guy.

I don't think we have to be CEOs, owners of beautiful houses, in the best shape of our lives, season ticket holders, and invited to all the best parties to be successful conquistadors. All I want is not to get stuck. I need to keep moving forward. I may not have much in the way of liquid assets, but when I look inside at what I have at the end of every day I want to feel like a richer, more interesting, better equipped human being, with something left over to pass on.

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Like second set of baby steps on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/theBabyStepsSaga! New posts show up there first, plus other articles about post-grad life, plus teasers and other important information. Thanks for reading! Tune in on Sunday night for this week's All Good Things list, and next Wednesday for a guest post about being a "new adult."

all good things: on the bright side of life

All Good Things is a weekly feature on the blog. It started as a one-hour Sunday night radio show on KSTO St. Olaf radio, featuring feel-good music and 10 highlights from the past week. The show, and its current written form, is brought to you by Clara, Second Set of Baby Steps creator, and her radio co-host Cassie. Sit back and enjoy!

1. Song of the week: The Fox by Ylvis. Two people sent me this song this week. It's sort of weird...but upbeat, and if you actually listen to the words and/or watch the video it's also kinda cute. A dance beat about animal noises.

2. This flash mob marriage proposal. I have always had a thing for that proposal video trend online; but this latest one is on a whole 'nother level. The fact that it's a same sex couple and that they're trending gives me a ray of hope for humanity.

3. El Toro. A little hole-in-the-wall Mexican place around the corner from us. It's easy to pass by, but it's been making Delaware's Best for 13 years. We got burritos and sangria soda to go and they definitely lived up to their reputation.

4. Water ice. Today I was feeling a little down and out, so J. and I walked to a water ice shop in the neighborhood and it was sunny and I got the tropical flavor and it was perfect. Just what the doctor ordered.

5. Getting stuff done. Yesterday I had plans that fell through, which was actually fine because then I had the whole day to frame the posters I've had lying around, plan out some DIY projects, and listen to my favorite weekend radio shows. Also, today I finally cut my hair after snipping off my individual split ends for at least a month now...

6. The ReStore. Another thing I did yesterday was go to the "new" Habitat for Humanity ReStore. This is a great resource for building and household items. Plus, I feel good about spending my money there because of the work they do.

7. Beautiful weather! On the plus side of everything this weekend, the weather has been gorgeous since Thursday night: sunny, warm but breezy enough to wear long pants or a sweater in the evening, and cool enough to add a blanket to the bed at night.

8. Crocs. So comfy. I don't care if anybody thinks they're ugly, it's all I want to wear lately.

9. Pumpkin. My roommate went to the beach this weekend and left a couple pieces of delicious rich pumpkin cake. Yummm... Also, scones, muffins, lattes, beer, so on and so forth. 'Tis the season.

10. Picking up each other's slack. We all get tired and cranky and worn out and defeated... But that's why we have support networks and communities to help us out. When one of us is tired, the other one makes dinner. Somebody cooks; somebody else cleans. The best is when you just know, without a lot of worry and negotiations, that it will all come out even in the end.

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Like second set of baby steps on Facebook at www.facebook.com/theBabyStepsSaga! New posts show up there first, plus other articles about post-grad life, plus teasers and other important information. Thanks for reading! Tune in next Sunday for more All Good Things, and come back Wednesday for my latest reflections on being a young adult and "conquering the places we live."

the season of our mythology

There is a lot going on lately. It's the kind of "a lot going on" that makes me surprised to report that I don't have that same sense of gathering doom that I had last December... I'm just feeling tired.

For that reason I'm having a hard time focusing my thoughts enough to write. A few weeks ago I made a note to myself to write about milestones today. Because tomorrow marks my two-year anniversary of starting work with my current firm.

I will always remember this date because it is the day after September 11, and I don't think I'm alone in feeling differently about that date from how I feel about other dates. The numbers 9-11 are the same way.

And speaking of these things, of 9-11 and of milestones, this year marks 12 years since the quadruple plane crashes that, when you think about it, changed the world. Twelve years. Time doesn't stop, does it.

So last week I had my two-year performance review. Sitting there across the table from the partners it struck me how much I have changed since the first time I sat down across the table from them. And how many other things have changed.

For example, a point from my notes. Bishop's Café (the place I met J.) since two years ago has become a baked goods supplier, and the physical location has been replaced by The Well Coffeeshop. When elements of my life start to outlast each other it is a strange thing.

Along similar lines, I received a beautiful text message the other day from an old friend:

"The season of our mythology is upon us."

He was referring to the fall of our freshman year of college, when we were well-occupied writing new narratives for our lives and our relationships, when a lot of things changed, when we created the basis of the rest of our college career and the seeds of the stories about who we were to become, together.

But as you have just read, there are a lot of mythologies that started in the fall.

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Yesterday I had a good talk with a faraway friend, and one thing that came up was spirituality. More specifically, what we talked about was our thirst for spiritual discovery, the quest for fulfillment; to us what is most important is not the discovery, but culling an insatiable spiritual appetite. We don't like to be too comfortable. We have trouble believing in comfortable things.

This may not surprise you, since I have been writing about things like entertaining angels and bringing J. to church and caring for the Earth -- but what I have really been wanting to write about lately is faith and church and religiosity.

...What was that about the season of our mythology?

This week I discovered that Pope Francis has a pretty fantastic Facebook page. Check this guy out. I'm not Catholic (and for some reason feel the need to say so) but I think this guy is pretty great. He seems so focused on that tricky "love" commandment, and on making the world a better place. I know that his every movement and every word that crosses his lips is probably carefully orchestrated, but I can get behind an image that is orchestrated to push the kind of change that saves us.

Pray for others, he says; pray for our loved ones and our leaders, our teachers and the weak, and for ourselves. Pray with perspective.

And then he says, "Make Christianity a way of life, not a label." Live like Jesus. No need to wear a sign; somehow people always recognized Jesus when he was in disguise.

And then there was the time he got a letter from a guy who was having trouble forgiving the men who killed his brother. That is some honest real-life humanity right there. And instead of judging this guy, and telling him something along the lines of, "Well, too bad, you gotta forgive them"... he cried, and called the guy at home, and said he's sorry and he feels the pain of the situation.

I love the way the author closes this article, too:

You know, many folks are worried about Pope Francis. Worried for his safety, worried about his orthodoxy, worried about his sincerity, etc. I’m not worried about any of these things, and I don’t think Pope Francis is either. I think Pope Francis has chosen the greater part, and it is not to be taken away from him.

Worry. My mom and I have been talking about worrying a lot. Remember that part in the Bible where Jesus says, "Don't worry about food, clothes, shelter, money, or any of the stuff you spend all that time worrying about. Seriously. I got this." It's such a nice idea, but so much easier said than done.

That is one thing I loved about this interview I listened to twice all the way through this week (and once I only listened to a little bit of it). It's with a Lutheran pastor in Denver named Nadia Bolz-Weber, whose church is called the House of All Sinners and Saints -- so wonderfully inclusive. Toward the end of the segment she said, "If God's going to wait till I ["love my enemies" and] mean it, that's going to be a while."

We're all just human, and the best we can do is try. And I am trying so dang hard and trying to make the space around me better and hope that it ripples beyond my small circles of influence. After all, I am entertaining angels.

I get it from my dad, I think. He has been flying a lot lately and his favorite story this week is from his travels. As the plane rolled toward the gate, the stewardess was giving her standard closing speech:

"You'll find your bags at baggage carousel 6. If you are making a connection, please check the flight information on the screens at the gate. Thank you for flying with us today. Enjoy your stay, and be kind to one another."

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Like second set of baby steps on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/theBabyStepsSaga! New posts show up there first, plus other articles about post-grad life, plus teasers and other important information. Thanks for reading! Tune in on Sunday night for this week's All Good Things list, and next Wednesday for more reflections on being a "new adult."