the last post: a commencement address

For the last post I thought about writing a reprise of the first post, an excuse to celebrate.

But when I went back and read it again, it was instantly clear that this, in its simplest sense, would not satisfy me. I don't know why I am surprised, but it felt less relevant. It is not what is needed now.

But it was originally written as a commencement speech. And, lo and behold, we are in the throes of commencement season. And this is a commencement of sorts...

So, given my timeless love for commencement addresses, here is my address to the Second Set of Baby Steps Class of 2014!



Let me preface this by saying that by no means do I expect us to be done walking these particular baby steps. I suspect that life comes in circles, of confidence and insecurity, of beginnings and endings, and that any of us may find ourselves retracing some steps at any point in our lives. This isn't a bad thing; there is comfort in familiarity, and we can only hope that some things get easier the second time around!

I also have few hopes of avoiding cliches in this commencement. Cliches were something I was determined to avoid the last time around, and giving advice is another. It would have been disingenuous, I thought, to presume to have any answers. Which says a lot about where I was at the time, metaphysically.

What I hoped to leave my audience with in May of 2011 was courage, and permission to enjoy the uncertain days to come. Because this is what I needed to hear. I was overwhelmed with uncertainty and the overwhelming message of the time was, "You will do great things." Not exactly the best combination, and I harbored a lot of resentment toward different people and systems and institutions because of it.


Of course we need courage and good humor now as much as ever, but there are fewer loose ends in my life now, fewer surprises, and I guess I am getting used to the long-term insecurity of being alive and maintaining my middle-class status.

I think that is an important message for graduates: life isn't fun and games, and a lot of it is out of our control. But we are the ones who choose how we approach it, which parts to focus on, which parts to accept and foster. This, I believe, is the difference between a happy person and an unhappy one, and this is where courage and good humor come in handy. And maybe faith as well. The courage to do what we need to do, to overcome hesitations and sally forth into the unknown; the good humor to rise from a particularly nasty fall, especially when everyone is watching; and the faith to believe in ourselves, in what we are doing and the paths we are on.

So here is my hope now: that no matter what happens, we will never let the world steal our souls or crush our spirits; that we never give up on happiness, on the power of good to win out, if only in small ways.

I hope we keep dreaming, and that we put work into bringing these dreams a little bit closer to fruition, even if it takes our lifetimes and our children's lifetimes to happen.

I will continue to pray for peace, in the world and in all of our hearts.

I hope we never give up on finding beauty in the world, and if it ever seems like a hopeless cause, that we set ourselves to the task of creating some.


We have to be committed to our best life, the best versions of ourselves. Nothing happens, or works, unless we choose it, stubbornly and decisively: not a successful relationship (with human, god, or animal), not a dream job, not a delicious homecooked dinner, not a single post on this blog, or its graceful finish. The things that are important, and meaningful, and worth living for - those things are not mistakes. They cannot be mistakes.


This is not happily ever after. It's not a happy ending. Life is not that clear-cut. The story doesn't end just because the narrator stops telling it (or pauses to catch her breath). It just calls on the readers for a little imagination, to bring it to life in other ways, beyond the back cover.

Please, readers, graduates, baby step-takers, President of the Board - breathe life into this life. Breathe life into the steps you take beyond this grand finale, beyond the pomp and circumstance.


I know I will.

Until we meet again...
xoxo
Clara

posted from Bloggeroid

all good things: the final countdown

All Good Things started as a one-hour Sunday night radio show on KSTO St. Olaf radio, featuring feel-good music and 10 highlights from the past week. The show, and its current written form, is brought to you by Clara, Second Set of Baby Steps creator, and my radio co-host Cassie.

After a conversation on the phone earlier this week, we suddenly realized that Twitter is the perfect platform to carry on the blog! Don't be alarmed, if you are not on Twitter or don't understand how it works. You don't need an account to keep up with us; just go to our Twitter page whenever you want to catch up on our list, which we will update throughout the week. If you already use Twitter, follow us @10AllGoodThings and tweet your good things at us!

But for now, sit back and enjoy this final week of All Good Things on the blog!

1. Song of the week: Don't Stop Believing by Journey. A) because AGT has lasted and continues to last for so long. B) because I found my Soc/Anthro journey paper the other day and was cracking up about titling the paper after a Journey song. (Props to Tom for that awesome suggestion). - Cassie

2. Sleeping in! Melville has been waking me up at dawn for the past few months, but this weekend she's let me sleep in. You know you're living large when 7 am feels like sleeping in. However, now that I don't get to sleep past 6 very often I get to watch the sunrise almost everyday. I do enjoy more sleep, but sitting on a grassy hill watching the sunrise with a furry pup is a great start to my workday. - Cassie

3. Enjoying the little things. Most of my recent good things have been about my dog, and it's because she has made me stop to enjoy many things I take for granted. Car rides are so fun for her that they become fun for me, finding a shady spot to sit down is like winning the jackpot, and she always says hi to everyone. I'm a lot less focused on my small little world and more open to what's around me. - Cassie


4. Taking time to talk with neighbors. Now that we've moved (same neighborhood, closer to Lake Harriet) we have some nice neighbors that like to chat. I was annoyed at first because "I have things to do!" (See above). But now that I've stopped to take the time to chat with them I've realized how awesome people can be. There's Gloria who knows what's going on in everyone's lives, Larry who knows everyone by their pet's name, and Ethan the 3-year-old that likes to randomly knock on our door to say hello. - Cassie

5. Brew at the Zoo. Every Memorial Day weekend the Baltimore Zoo hosts a big beer festival, with unlimited samples from craft breweries, lots of food, and great summer music. And of course the Zoo is open so you can go see the animals. We tasted lots of awesome beers (some highlights: the jalapeno IPA from Jailbreak, Dirty Little Freak stout from DuClaw, awesome grilled cheese sandwiches, and everything from The Brewer's Art). J's friend Dae came up and met us there, and it's been awhile since we saw him so that was nice too. And the weather was perfect! - Clara


6. Fresh mint infusion. I took a sprig of mint from our plant this week and put it in a jar with a little bit of honey to make sun tea. When I took it from the fridge later in the week it was the most refreshing thing to drink, cool and fresh and almost tingly. Plus the mint sprigs looked so beautiful in the jar! - Clara

7. Sodastream. I get bored drinking plain water all the time, but we spend an extraneous amount of money on sparkling water. So when I was clearing out my email inbox this week, I noticed an awesome sale on Sodastream machines at Bed Bath & Beyond and we went out and got one. Now we can carbonate our own water, and we are excited to make homemade ginger ale and strawberry basil soda. Next on my list is to make my own tonic syrup! - Clara

8. Scrumptious. On Wednesday night as a reward for figuring out how to stream audio in a blog post, I decided I wanted froyo. So we went to a new place in Trolley Square that is super cute and had some nice frozen yogurt.

Other worthwhile eating happened this weekend at Golden West and the Red Canoe, both in Baltimore, and...

9. Grilling out. After Brew at the Zoo we went back to Lisa's to grill brats and pineapple with the gang. I totally forgot to take a picture of it, unfortunately, but it was DELICIOUS (thanks Dae and J for getting the grill going). And of course, even if it wasn't delicious, everything tastes better when you're sharing it with good friends on a holiday weekend. It was such a harmonious food prep situation too, which made it even better. - Clara

10. Bonus song of the week: Send Me On My Way by Rusted Root. I'm pretty sure this was our last song on KSTO, too. It's just such a perfect fit, and a hands-down classic feel-good jam.


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THANK YOU, readers, for being with us tonight and every Sunday for the past few years. Thank you for your support and your positive energy. It has meant the world to both of us to be able to keep this up, and to have a wonderful community to share it with.

A note from Cassie: "I've been so happy to be able to add my AGTs to this blog. This list has become so important to me. I take a good half hour on Sundays picking things to write about. Some weeks it's really hard: like the week my aunt passed away. Some weeks it's easy: marrying Luke was pretty nice :) But knowing I can always find good things for the list reminds me that I can always find good things out of every situation. I'm so glad this is continuing in another form!"

The Good Things will keep rolling on Twitter @AllGoodThings, so be sure to join us there and share your happy moments and favorite songs with us there!

Also, don't forget to be kind to each other, and find a reason to smile every day :)

posted from Bloggeroid

an interview about the second set of baby steps

Three or four months ago my friend Marina and I recorded an audio interview about the blog. Marina studied business and political journalism in Moscow, and hosted a radio interview show when she interned in broadcast media. When she said she wanted to think about starting a podcast, and asked if she could interview me about second set of baby steps, something stirred in me.

A flashback to the KSTO days, maybe, or to conducting interviews for research projects; a chance to collaborate on a creative project; an opportunity for some guided reflection on my blogging experience, just as I was starting to think about wrapping it up.

We got sidetracked in the middle and started talking about gender roles, and the changing experience of gender from our grandmothers' time through our mothers' to ours; because this is a relevant and ever-present element of adult life. But we got back to the blog topic at the end.

I remember driving home, feeling energized by the creativity and interactivity of the process and focused in where the blog was headed in the last few months, in how I wanted to approach it. I really believe that evening was a turning point in this project, and it started to take on a different life for me from that point forward.


So I am glad, now, at this final moment, on the second-to-last week of the second set of baby steps, to be able to share it with you. A big thanks to Marina for questioning me (constantly, off and on the air, even when I don't exactly welcome it) and for recording and editing our audio to be posted here.



It woke me up to the impact of my little actions, and how they add up. Spoiler: electric kettles in Britain (high tea country) cause the country to have to borrow power from France during commercial breaks; because paper bags are heavier, they add up to a negative environmental impact faster; and refrigerator size has increased a full cubic foot over the past few years. On top of the enormous energy output of our fridges, they are so big food gets lost in there. In the U.S., 40% of the food we buy for our homes is wasted.

This stuff is crazy.

Other things, too, contribute to my intensifying interest in lowering my impact. The Franklin Institute (named after the illustrious Benjamin Franklin) dedicates an entire room to the study of electricity. (The global warming room leads right into it.) These exhibits feature interactive machines, including one that measures your carbon footprint. I don't remember now what mine was, but I took another ecological footprint survey yesterday that told me it would take 4.6 earths to support our global population if everyone lived like me.

And, to be honest, it also has something to do with the fact that I pay the monthly utility bill at our house. 'Nuff said? If the power company offers me a way to cut my usage and cut our bill in the process, I take it.


But it is interesting trying to make these kinds of lifestyle changes not at St. Olaf, which is full of people who eat locally (and sometimes even grow their own food) and ride bikes everywhere and recycle or repurpose everything and take infrequent showers (don't worry, Oles, I say that with nostalgia, not disgust).

Once, on alumni weekend, I met the guy who started St. Olaf's now robust and omnipresent recycling program. It's so omnipresent, in fact, that I was surprised at how young he was. He only graduated in 1998, but his project made an enormous cultural shift on a campus used by over 2,500 people every day. Imagine that impact spread over the past 16 years!

That's not to say that every person at St. Olaf was environmentally conscious to the same degree. But it was a pretty big part of the culture there, and for the most part we shared a similar kind of environmental folklore. Now I live and work with people who learned different versions of those stories. These people aren't necessarily in the habit of recycling. We all have different preferences and tolerances for heat and cold. We have different relationships with paper towels and plastic bottles, with screens and with printing. And we have learned differently our role in the world and how to care for it. My roommates, bosses, coworkers and friends don't always go along with my eco-friendly plans (though, to be fair, sometimes they do). At work I'm the crazy hippie who eats greens and convinced them to stop buying water bottles and get a cooler instead; at home, I'm the "unconventional one," obsessed with reusing jars and turning off lights.

And there are other external limitations. An electric car, for example, is not an option for me right now. Solar or wind power is not available in my neighborhood, in my current home or office. There is no bus or train that runs between my house and my work, and the roads and neighborhoods that take me there are not bike-friendly.

Maybe I'm just making excuses. But it's never easy to change lifestyle patterns, particularly when I'm running my dollars and my hours down to the quick on a regular basis. There are other things that take precedence.

But I really would love not to contribute to the downward spiral of this world, so I'll keep plugging away. After awhile, the little things will add up.

all good things: i'm no superman

All Good Things started as a one-hour Sunday night radio show on KSTO St. Olaf radio, featuring feel-good music and 10 highlights from the past week. The show, and its current written form, is brought to you by Clara, Second Set of Baby Steps creator, and my radio co-host Cassie. Cassie is celebrating Easter with her family this week, but will rejoin us next Sunday night.

So set yourself up outside and enjoy this week's good things in the sun!

1. Song of the week: Superman by Lazlo Bane. The Scrubs theme song: I've been listening to it all day, and I also think the words are a good reminder to me. I can't do this all on my own, / no, I'm no superman...

2. Chard sauteed in bacon grease. I made rainbow chard from our CSA twice this week, chopped up and sauteed with bacon grease and just a little bit of pepper. It is unbelievably good, and super quick and easy!

3. New toilet seat! The hinge holding our toilet seat onto the toilet was cracked when we moved in, and it finally snapped all the way off last week... Which means the seat would randomly fall off when you were sitting on it. Not cool. So like adults we went out, bought a new one, and put it on. Seriously one of the most worthwhile things I have done in awhile. It only took about 5 minutes to switch and it makes all the difference.

4. Union Jack's. A pub in Manayunk (Philadelphia) that I've been hearing about for years. It's got a great ambience, great beer, great service, and great company. Apparently the wings are so good no other wings can live up to them, but I'm not a big fan or expert in chicken wings so I'll just pass on the recommendation on that one.

Plus, you can control the jukebox using an app on your phone. Our group definitely took advantage of that.

5. Safe travels. This is something I try not to take for granted ever, but especially now when there have been so many big transportation disasters lately. My mom and sister are in India for spring break right now, and they arrived safely at their destination.

6. Projects. My dad texted me on Saturday morning to ask for help putting together a presentation for the Easter Vigil that evening. I made a version of a Creation story PowerPoint for him sometime in high school, but since then it's deteriorated and the slides got out of order. So I spent a few hours on Saturday putting it back together, and while it wasn't all fun and games, it did feel really good to help my dad in one of the biggest weeks of the church year, and to do something creative like that.

7. Being taken care of. I have felt awful all day today, with a persistent headache and stomachache that laid me out on the couch for most of it. J kindly, and without complaining, gave up his Easter Sunday to camp out in the living room with me, make sure I didn't pass out from dehydration, and keep me company.


8. Lemon honey ginger. This is my drink of choice this week, with the big changes in temperature and feeling sick for most of today. I shred some ginger into a pot, boil it in water, stir in a teaspoon or so of honey, and then at the last minute add a splash of lemon juice. It's so delicious and it has cured many an ill.

9. Scrubs. This is one of the shows J likes to watch in his spare moments throughout the week, and this morning when I set up shop in the living room that's what he had on. So we watched it for most of the day. It's just so good. There are some dumb parts, but the show actually touches on some real human issues, emotional vulnerabilities and the nuances of relationships that keep us all on our toes, even in the real world. And it's pretty funny too.

10. Spending time just focusing on people, and being flexible. This week I spent a little while hanging out with my sister and talking about college; spent time talking with my friend Jess about a whole range of different big-deal kind of things in both of our lives; worked on a project with my dad (that's our quality time); had two date nights with J, one of them spontaneous; went out for dinner spontaneously on Friday night; and I forgot my phone at home when we went out last night, so I couldn't pull it out to distract myself even if I wanted to. I feel like my time was well-spent.

* * * * * * *
Thank you, readers, for being with us tonight, and for giving me reasons to write, and things to write about.

And thanks for joining us every Sunday night! Join the Baby Steps on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/TheBabyStepsSaga for good things every day, and updates on new posts. Come back next week for another reminder of 10 more things to be thankful for!

Until then, be kind to each other, and find a reason to smile!

posted from Bloggeroid

grown up magic craft bag

Last week I picked up our second farm share, and when I brought it home we took everything out of the bag and spread it out to see what we had to work with, and brainstorm recipes. I had a flashback from my childhood to the magic craft bag from Barney. If ever I wished something from my childhood TV shows would come to life, it was that.

I waited awhile, but I probably appreciate it more now. The CSA, I am certain, is the adult version of the magic craft bag: an unanticipated combination of items that you have to figure out how to combine to make something useful and good. It is the ultimate opportunity to exercise creativity, and in my grown-up life in particular that is a welcome opportunity indeed.


We get a new share every other week, and we barely finish it. I have been devouring articles about how to make produce last: how to keep greens from wilting and how to store fruit to keep it perky. And we have become good friends with the AllRecipes app, figuring out which search terms will turn up a recipe that uses the most of our fresh ingredients.

This week I Googled chard smoothies, looking for an inspired mix to use up the leafy greens from last Wednesday. And one of the top results, to my surprise, was a bold blog title telling me "How Green Smoothies Can Devastate Your Health"!

As a social media marketer, I am all too familiar with clickbait. It's a pet peeve of mine. On the other hand, what if one of my go-to breakfasts is slowly killing me?

So I read it, and the short version is that green leafy vegetables have something in them called oxalates that can crystallize inside the body and can cut or scratch membranes and cause kidney stones and all manner of other issues. It sounded extreme, and not entirely unbiased, so I looked at a couple of other sources and noticed something that was repeated throughout the original article: People who drink green smoothies tend to drink them often, several times a week or every day.

First of all, this is an assumption about the behavior of ALL people who drink green smoothies. Secondly, other articles made far more of a point of saying that some people are more sensitive to oxalates and more susceptible to the kind of health problems that they can cause - if you eat too many of them.

(Perfect opportunity to plug my mantra: moderation, people!)


Here's the thing: my case against this anti-green smoothie post and its brethren is by no means unbiased either. I like green smoothies and they make me feel good, so I'm going to keep drinking them. I am obviously not an expert on oxalates, kidney stones, or even green vegetables. But I have always hated when people tell me that their social diet is better than what I'm eating. It just seems so spiteful, and I can't help but think that people who spend all their time writing these blog posts about what carcinogens are found in their favorite tea bags, and what "14 foods you eat every day that cause cancer" probably don't enjoy eating very much, and probably aren't very happy in general.

Plus, there are probably as many blog posts about the benefits of green smoothies as there are about their dangers; as many posts about why raw veganism is good for you as there are about how bad it is for you; as many posts about how a paleo diet made someone into a new, happier and healthier person as there are about people who became miserable and sick when they tried paleo; and so on. Most of them - on any side of the fence - make some valid points, or are based on something true.

There are things I love to eat that other people hate, things that my friends and family devour that make me feel terribly ill. I paid attention in research class when the professor said that experiential data isn't statistically valid; I know science is based on reproducible testing and results on a large scale. But let's be real. We're human. We don't believe anything unless we have some personal, first-hand connection to it.

I like talking about what foods I like, and what foods you like, especially if we both are passionate about food. I like talking about things people are passionate about. (A friend of mine just wrote a blog post about "spreading the paleo love", which is an approach that actually got me interested in learning more about paleo.

Set that against a different friend who started eating paleo in college and told me regularly that our bodies aren't made to process the kind of food I was eating, and that my diet was going to kill me. You won't be surprised to learn that I didn't try very hard to eat with him from then on.)

When I was talking about all of this, J said, "But you actually like eating healthy." I do. I like home-cooked meals and things I don't have to excavate from their packaging. I feel better when I eat fresh things, and I like the taste of them. I try to buy from responsible sources when I can. And, yes, I do enjoy ice cream and donuts and chips and chocolate and frozen salted caramel cappuccinos every now and then!

Across the board, I like to do things that make my life better, my relationships better, my community better, and my world better. I'm human, and there are a lot of things I can't control, so I can't hope to have zero negative impact, but I am doing my best to create a net positive. I don't want to read things or be around people who leave a bad taste in my mouth or try to force their views on me, I try to exercise the Golden Rule and not be that for other people.

So, green-smoothie haters, try a gentler approach next time, and maybe you'll be one step closer to saving me from kidney stones.

posted from Bloggeroid

all good things: enjoying the baby steps

All Good Things started as a one-hour Sunday night radio show on KSTO St. Olaf radio, featuring feel-good music and 10 highlights from the past week. The show, and its current written form, is brought to you by Clara, Second Set of Baby Steps creator, and my radio co-host Cassie. We both contribute things to the list, so I'll tell you who said what to avoid confusion.

So set yourself up outside and enjoy this week's good things in the sun!

1. Song of the week: On Top Of The World by Imagine Dragons Imagine Dragons - On Top Of The World (Official M…:. Another gem from the Walter Mitty soundtrack: completely uplifting, perfect for sunny days and springtime and a convertible, if you're lucky.

2. Witnessing other people's cute moments. While waiting at a red light on my way to work on Monday morning (running late, of course), I noticed the driver in front of me twisting around in his seat, making a really enthusiastic face and raising his hand. I thought he was waving at me... until I saw a tiny hand reach up from the backseat and high-five him. I smiled so big all the way to work , and I think that guy and his baby did too. - Clara

3. Peppermint tea. My go-to. When I'm tired, it perks me up; when I'm stressed, or if I'm wired at bedtime, it calms me down. It calms my stomach when I feel sick, and tastes delicious if I just want a cup of naturally non-caffeinated tea. - Clara

4. The Franklin Institute. Only 40-45 minutes away, the Franklin Institute has all kinds of awesome science exhibits, plus it's a beautiful facility. We went up yesterday with J's siblings to see the Pompeii exhibit (which was not as good as the Titanic exhibit last year, but still cool) and got to spend some time checking out the other parts of the museum. My favorite part was Nat Geo's 50 best photos ever taken.

Plus, I got a 10% discount off membership, which is only $65 a year for me and a guest! I only have to go up once more this year to make it worthwhile. I'm excited to have an excuse to go up to Philly more often! - Clara


5. Finding out that you can get take out from a favorite restaurant. This weekend I wanted a Reuben super bad. A restaurant we frequent (Tavern on France) has a great one, but I didn't want to go out. I bet you see where this is going! Anyway, I was pretty happy to be eating a Reuben in the comfort of my own home. - Cassie

6. Melvie is learning so fast! She learned to sit, sleep through the night, and she finally will go for walks. For a while I was pretty sure we owned the only dog ever who refused to go for a walk. I think we're through that stage now! - Cassie

7. Packing books. Luke and I are finally almost moved out of the old place but have books and shelves left. We started packing them today. I really enjoy going through our book collection. There's so many I have yet to read, and I get excited. - Cassie

8. Engagements and pregnancies! Many of my friends are going through the next stage in their lives. I'm really enjoying chatting with all of them and hearing what their thoughts are and how excited they are. Happy times for good people! - Cassie

9. Tengo Ganas De Ti. My friend Marina has been talking about this movie for weeks, and we finally got together this week to watch it. It's a Spanish romantic drama, and we watched it with wine and without subtitles... I know I missed some of the dialogue, but it was still a great movie and I'm reminded that even with a language barrier, there are plenty of human experiences that are shared no matter where we come from. - Clara

10. Warm weather! After the winter we've had, I can't take sunshine and warmth for granted. Today it's forecast to be 82 degrees and sunny, so J and I took our porch chairs out back and spent most of the morning in the sun. I am the happiest girl right now, and I'm looking forward to sprucing up our backyard so we can have a rip-roaring summer! - Clara


* * * * * * *
Thank you, readers, for being with us tonight, and for giving me reasons to write, and things to write about.

And thanks for joining us every Sunday night! Join the Baby Steps on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/TheBabyStepsSaga for good things every day, and updates on new posts. Come back next week for another reminder of 10 more things to be thankful for!

Until then, be kind to each other, and find a reason to smile!

posted from Bloggeroid

meeting people

I just read a post this week called "10 things that happen in the first year after college". From where I'm sitting, these 10 things don't seem revolutionary, or even 100% true... But I suspect that if I had read it in my first year after college I would have felt passionately that I had found a kindred spirit. They are, for the most part, very reminiscent of being a very recent graduate. Take #3: Meeting new people becomes way more difficult.

Look back to my first year of posts. It was a struggle. I was nearly convinced that every 20-something in the state was holed up somewhere, hiding from me.

I thought about starting an online dating profile, but I decided to try my hand offline first. At first I would catch rides with my family members when they had to go out somewhere, and sit at a bar with a book for an hour or two.

That didn't work too well, as far as meeting anyone, but it did get me out of the house...

Until I got two jobs almost simultaneously, so I met two sets of new coworkers, plus the regulars at the restaurant where I hostessed. It turns out working at a restaurant (or a coffee shop, as J and my sister can both testify) is a great way to meet people. I met quite a few interesting people while waiting tables in St. Croix Falls, plus my coworkers there, and a few suppliers of local produce (although those meetings were cemented when we met in other places, like at the Saturday farm market or the local watering hole). You go through crazy rushes with your coworkers and you have your regulars you get to know over time, and then you have random other people who might be just passing through but who you make an instant connection with and maybe become Facebook friends or start emailing back and forth. All of those things have happened to me and to people I know.

Picking up the story: for sanity's sake it is not a bad idea to have other friends outside of work. Which is what led me to Bishop's Cafe, which is where I met J. I was looking for a place I wanted to hang out, supposing I would meet other people who liked to hang out in the same place, because we had something in common. The rest is history.

While I was trying desperately to meet people, I also got a membership at the Y and started a borderline obsessive gym habit; went to church every week and became one of the youth leaders; hung out with my siblings a lot; invited neighbor families over for dinner; joined Meetup.com; went to networking events; looked up open mics and connected with local writers online; took frequent weekend trips to other cities to hang with college friends; hounded people I used to know who randomly ended up in the same area; and did some serious Facebook chatting with friends across the world.

If nothing had changed, I was getting ready to join the DSL (Delaware Sports League) and start volunteering. (Many of the things I tried were mentioned in an article I found today called "11 ways to make friends as an adult", plus one or two others that apply more to parents than young adults. The writer did mention, though, that the list could also be helpful to people moving into a new area.)

But then I got hooked up with the Delaware-Maryland Synod's young adult cohort, and went to an event where I met someone who ended up introducing me to a lot of the people I still hang out with to this day. And soon after that I started going out with J, and have met a lot of people in the process.


All this to say, it's not easy to meet people as an adult. I've been meaning to write this post literally for years, and it's funny that now is when I'm writing it, when I'm finally starting to feel secure in my local friend group.

Which brings me to another point: meeting people and cementing relationships are two totally different cans of worms. I've had to remind myself, over and over again, how long it took me to solidify friendships in college, and back even to high school and middle school. It's taken me this long, after a minor breakdown at a wedding in December, about the loss of the weird St. Olaf community, to feel like I have serious ties in this state. Even though I've known the people in my circle over two years at this point. And these friendships are different than the ones I made in college. The history is different, the context is different, the things we do together and the way we approach spending time together is different.


How do you meet new people, readers? How did you meet the people you spend the most time with now? And do you have any particularly excellent "how I met this person" stories?

posted from Bloggeroid

all good things: when the world is new

All Good Things started as a one-hour Sunday night radio show on KSTO St. Olaf radio, featuring feel-good music and 10 highlights from the past week. The show, and its current written form, is brought to you by Clara, Second Set of Baby Steps creator, and my radio co-host Cassie. We both contribute things to the list, so I'll tell you who said what to avoid confusion.

So settle in and get ready for this week's batch of good things!

1. Song of the week: Ain't It Fun by Paramore. J has been singing this song all week, and it's a pretty feel-good jam if you ask me. Also, it seems relevant to the theme of the blog: "Ain't it fun / Living in the real world..."

2. Yoga and craft beer at the Queen. Now that the weather is warming up everyone feels like doing stuff and making plans. I found an event at a local venue that includes one hour of pretty serious yoga, plus beer, wine, and snacks afterward... All for $15. All good things! - Clara

3. Roomie game night. On Friday night the three of us got together with a couple of guests, pizza and drinks, and played Bananagrams and Cards Against Humanity. It was a nice, low-key but fun way to spend a Friday night. - Clara

4. The Blue Parrot. My roommate and I have been trying to go out for dinner for weeks now, if not longer... Finally this week we made it out to the local cajun restaurant, where they make some of the best drinks I've ever had out, and also delicious New Orleans-style cuisine. Great food, great drinks, and great company? Can't go wrong. - Clara

5. Day trips to the beach. This is a major perk of living in Delaware: J and I drove down to the beach on Saturday for the day, and walked around barefoot in the sand for awhile... We also visited the Indian River Life-Saving Station Museum, which I thought was interesting (and only $4 admission), and the eternal favorite Dogfish Head brewpub. I tasted their Jin gin for the first time and it was life-changing. Overall it was the most centering, contented days I've had in awhile. - Clara

6. Homemade ravioli. This recipe took us literally over three hours to make, and since we don't own a rolling pin we used wine bottles to roll out the pasta... but it turned out delicious: spinach mushroom ravioli. So cheesy, and there is always something satisfying about eating something you made totally from scratch. Plus, it used up everything we had left in our CSA from last week: fresh spinach, mushrooms, and chives. - Clara


7. New puppy! Luke and I got a new puppy a week ago. Her name is Melville, and she's a Bernese Mountain Dog. She's a little scamp right now and likes to munch on everything. But I love her already and wish I could quit my job to spend all my time with her. This also leads into my next good thing:

8. Puppies bringing people together. I have met so many people this past week that I would have never met if I didn't have Melvie. People love coming up to me to ask about her, pet her, and get a puppy fix. I can't blame them since she's adorable! It's nice to meet so many people with smiling faces all due to my little Melvie. - Cassie


9. New apartment. As if getting a puppy wasn't enough to do this week I also moved! I live in the same neighborhood as before, but live in a way nicer place (example: we have full size appliances in this place. Our old place had an oven that could barely fit a sheet pan the long way). Moving was stressful, but now that we're settling in I can tell we'll be way happier here. - Cassie

10. April snow storms that melt the next day. This past week Minneapolis had a large snow storm. Everyone was crabby about it, but I enjoyed it! It was really warm the next day and melted right away. There's nothing like a late winter snow storm to make me enjoy springtime even more :) - Cassie

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Thank you, readers, for being with us tonight, and for giving me reasons to write, and things to write about.

And thanks for joining us every Sunday night! Join the Baby Steps on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/TheBabyStepsSaga for good things every day, and updates on new posts. Come back next week for another reminder of 10 more things to be thankful for!

Until then, be kind to each other, and find a reason to smile!

posted from Bloggeroid

the ideal "first question"

Last weekend I went to a party for a friend in Baltimore, where I had met a few people before but didn't know many of them well. It was an interestingly informal venue to get to know new people, but I have to admit I find small talk exhausting.

A few weeks ago I was talking to some friends about the differences between the Midwest and the East Coast, particularly the Mid-Atlantic. One of them recounted the story of a female friend from Virginia who married a Minnesotan guy. She said when they meet new people in the D.C. area, they ask what she does for work; in the Midwest, they ask if she is married.

It's an interesting contrast, one that highlights some stereotypical cultural differences between the two regions. I know there are other contextual factors that influence what "first question" you ask, like the fact that her main contact in the Midwest is more likely family or church people, while in D.C. they are more likely professionals or peers. The question can also be influenced by age differences, whether you are meeting in a big city or a small town or on a college campus, whether you are in a corporate office building or a yoga studio or on a plane... And some contexts, and the questions that come with them, are more conducive to actually getting to know someone on a deeper level.

Ideally, we agreed, neither of those orginial questions is one we would actually LIKE to form a first impression about us. But what else is there? If we could choose any first question to ask or be asked when meeting someone new, what would it be?


One of my friends said, "I always like the Marry/Kiss/Kill with chocolate, bacon, and sweet potato fries." (For those unfamiliar with the game, you have to choose which of the three options you would prefer to spend your life with; which you would like to have a sordid moment with, but not a long-term relationship; and which you would give up forever, if you had to choose one.)

Before I could ask what someone's answers to that question would tell us, we of course got caught up in our own answers, and how they have changed over time, and what that says about our lives.

So maybe the question serves its purpose.

I remember meeting the boyfriend of a friend, back when he was new. She got up to go the restroom, leaving him alone with us. "So," he said, with a conspiratorial grin, "any burning questions you want to ask me while she's gone?"

"Not really," I replied. "All the important stuff will come up in the course of normal conversation." I didn't say it, but my sense was that what we would find out about him would be truer, more honest, if we let it come out with time.

But somebody has to ask something to get the conversation flowing. I tried to think of my ideal first question. What do I most want to know about people? What they are passionate about. What drives them. Their main goal in life.

But asking about those things up front puts a lot of pressure on the conversation. It's likely to either cause the questionee to clam up, or spew a packaged answer. Any deep and lasting relationship has to balance a sense of mutual ease and comfort with an open table for all kinds of discussions, serious or not.

So I'm a little stuck. I guess if I had to choose betwween "What do you do?" and "Are you married?" I would choose the former, because it is more relevant to my actual personality, and it's more likely to lead into other, more interesting questions like, "What do you like about it?" "How did you get into that?" "Is this where you want to be long-term?" "And what do you do in your spare time?"


Actually, speaking of spare time, the best luck I've probably ever had with a first question is, "What are you reading?" Which could lead into what you like or dislike about the book at hand, whether you are reading it for fun or for school or for work or for a book club, and even your favorite book(s) of all time. That question has in recent history spurred interesting conversations with a woman sitting next to me on a plane; coworkers; my mechanic; and J, before we started dating! Books also contribute to a good chunk of the conversations I have with people I'm already close to.

The only problem is, that question only applies to someone who is currently reading, or has a book in their possession. It also is definitely not foolproof in the age of e-readers that could be tablets. (Another argument for actual glue-and-paper books, but that's a discussion for another day...)

I think I've made my choice anyway, readers: What are you reading?

But since I already know the answer (ha, ha), I'll leave you with this: what would be your ideal "first question"?

posted from Bloggeroid