promised: 6 things i learned from being robbed twice

On Monday I hinted that I might write about the movie Promised Land this week. I had a basic outline planned out and was good to go, and then after work Jason called to tell me that our house had been broken into and robbed. This is kind of hard to ignore when I'm writing, so I guess I won't be writing about the movie this week.

Lesson number one: things don't always go according to plan. What's that they always say? "The best-laid plans of mice and men / Go often awry." (From a poem by Robert Burns.) You'd think I would have learned this one by now.

I had a characteristically complicated set of plans that were thwarted by this, my second robbery since moving to Delaware less than 2 years ago. Not to mention the hard-earned, if still slightly shaky, sense of security living in the city not far from infamously drug-ridden streets and neighborhoods. 

Oddly enough, I almost feel a little less scared now. More city-hardened. Broken in (ha, ha, get it?). The guy one house down, though, told us he's lived there since 1999 and hasn't known of any break-ins on our block until now. He did say a lady once had her purse snatched on the corner, though, and was screaming for help. He said he and two other guys on the street came out to see what was going on, and one of them chased the guy a couple blocks before catching him and beating him up and bringing the purse back.

Lesson number two: city security. The cops told us "negative" on ground-floor window units and gave us a few other security measures we should put in place. So we're working on that.

In our case, they said, somebody probably was looking for pills or drug money, or both. People walk around pushing on AC units and if there's give, they push it in, fill their pockets and take off out the back door, to turn over the goods for cash or crack a few blocks away.

Lesson number three: we are unbelievably lucky in our family, friends and neighbors.

Talking to our neighbors after the fact, it was clear that people on the block keep an eye out for each other. Call it nosy, but I have had a growing feeling that, when it comes down to it, we all have each other's backs.

When I got off the phone with Jason after work and found out what had happened, I first called my mom to tell her I probably wouldn't make it over for dinner, and why. She said she was sorry to hear it and did I want them to come over. I said I would assess the situation and get back to her. Then I called Katy and told her to come home.

So I went home to find Jason and his brother watching a movie and drinking beer. And Joe stayed until Katy got there and then he left. So there we are waiting for the cops to show up (apparently there have been a lot of shootings in town lately, so they have been busy) and there is a knock on the door, and it's my parents standing there with a crockpot full of stew and some bread. "Want dinner?" they said.

A little later my sister, who was the first person to discover that my parents' house was robbed last September, showed up to give hugs and make jokes. And Jason's parents checked in on us every hour or so, and the morning after.

Family is so important, and ours are the best.

And then I told the girls at work and they said, "Are you suppressing your emotions or are you really this calm?" Since then they have been offering to make plans with us and have been texting periodically at night and in the morning to make sure we are feeling OK. And friends have been checking in and doing the same.

Friends are so important, and ours are the best.

Lesson number four: you never know what people are dealing with behind their eyes. Yesterday I decided to go to work and really dig in, try not to get distracted, act normal. You might never know if you saw any of us that something had happened. Because we don't always have the luxury (or the crutch?) of being able to check out and freak out. We have no clue what kinds of things people deal with on a daily basis. The people driving next to us, making our coffee, delivering our mail, sitting in the next office. The show must go on.

Lesson number five: when my parents' house was broken into almost two years ago, I had the most stuff stolen. I was so angry because I had just come to this new place, and it wasn't treating me very well. It hit me with an earthquake, a hurricane, tornadoes, a break-in, and a manhunt, all within the first 3 weeks of my arrival. I took it so personally.

Jason was the first to discover the robbery on Monday. He just moved in officially a week ago, and he got hit the hardest as far as the value of things lost. I asked him, "Are you ready to move out?" And he said. "Yeah..."

And so was I, two years ago. But in retrospect, how glad am I that I stuck around? I am not one to run away. I am determined -- to a fault -- to overcome. And I have, for the most part. I have kept my job and, in fact, advanced within my company. I still love what I do. I have made a lot of friends and discovered a lot of things I never would have otherwise, and taken advantage of a lot of opportunities. And I met this great guy who moved in and almost immediately got robbed. The literary richness of this story is not lost on me. I only hope that there are as many good things to come in the next two years for him, and for all of us, as there have been for me.

And that no one gets robbed two years from now. There is no curse! We just live in a city.

Lesson number six: this is the kind of thing my parents told me, when I was little, that only happens to people once. I know now that this isn't true, that some people have a lot of bad things happen to them and some people have hardly any. I know from experience it's easy to feel like Job.

But I caught myself thinking that yesterday and scoffed aloud. Not everything is great, and in fact I have been heard to say more than once lately that the world is a pretty rough and unpleasant place a lot of the time. But given what we have to work with, I've got it pretty good. And to compare myself to Job? Well, that guy lost everything. And I'm definitely not trying to jinx it by thinking I'm at that level. I've got a lot to be thankful for.

So I didn't write about Promised Land. But part of what I was going to say about it is that things don't always turn out how we think they will, and life delights in surprising us. And that we don't know people until we sit down and listen to their stories. And that the world is hard, but sometimes all the more beautiful for it.

So maybe I did write about it after all.

all good things: right in the feel-goods

1. Song of the week: Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke. I had a Moment with this song on Saturday, when we walked into a bar and wove across a dance floor where every person was smiling giddy and singing along, word for word. Reason to love pop culture: it creates kinship in strange and beautiful ways such as this.

2. The Electric Run. My roommate and I went up to Philly on Saturday for the Electric Run, which was eventually called off because of lightning (talk about electric). I think our time was pretty good, but more importantly we got there in time to finish it without getting electrocuted. Also the lighting design of the run was really cool, the park was beautiful, and the whole thing was a lot of fun.

3. Reuniting with old friends, and making new ones. I joined the run on an old New York classmate's team - we used to live diagonally across the street from each other in Amsterdam, swam together in high school, and used to hang out all the time back in 5th grade. It was fun catching up. Plus, one of her college friends who also ran with us now lives in Newark, Delaware. So hopefully we can meet up in town down here in the near future. I also randomly saw a classmate from St. Olaf in the starting area... Small world.

4. The Delaware State Fair. J and I drove down to Harrington, Delaware, yesterday for the state fair! I love this kind of stuff. Fried food, sugary drinks and shaved ice, cute animals, plaid shirts, jeans, and cowboy boots... Highlights: picking up chicks (pictured), fried pickles, and a great display about environmental consciousness. I'm getting thermal curtains and changing all my lightbulbs to energy efficient ones. 

(On that note, there was an interesting story on NPR this morning about the energy efficiency of ceiling fans, which finished with a crack at hot air in the Capitol and is full of cheesy wordplay. Love it.)

5. Delaware Shakespeare Festival. A bunch of us went to see The Two Gentlemen of Verona on Wednesday night. Even though it was so hot we were dripping sweat just sitting on the lawn watching the show, the production was excellent as usual, plus Wawa sandwiches, wine, good company, and dogs from Faithful Friends! In the play!

6. Promised Land. J and I got this movie from RedBox on Friday night and watched it. It's a complicated film, but we both enjoyed it. More on that Wednesday (tune in!) Plus, John Krasinski is so cute.

7. Going to the zoo with friends. Luke and I went this afternoon to the zoo with some friends. Though seeing some animals in captivity (gorillas) makes me sad, the zoo is a great place to learn about animals and share a fun experience with friends!

8. Eating dinner outside. It's one of my favorite summertime activities! There is something so nice about sharing a meal on someone's patio, deck, or at a restaurant's outdoor area. Also, I love driving around my neighborhood and getting the whiff of someone grilling.

9. Taking a walk in the rain. It was raining when I woke up this morning, and I decided to walk to the gym in the rain. It was so refreshing and soothing! Of course, the smell is lovely too.

10. At my job (legal advocate working with victims of domestic violence) I see women who have been in a relationship with abusive and just all-around not nice guys. This makes me value my relationship with Luke even more than I normally do. It's a nice reminder to not take things for granted.

in the face of adversity

Yesterday I saw this picture on Facebook:

I don't normally read the longer stories online, but I did read this one. I wanted to know whether I was a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean. Here's the story:

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose. 

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The granddaughter then asked, "What does it mean, Grandmother?"

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -- boiling water -- but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her granddaughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of your life. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you changed by your surroundings or do you bring life, flavor, to them?

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?

Of course there is a clear ideal answer: you don't want to get all soft and slimy; you don't want your heart to get all tough and bitter; you want to change the flavor of that boiling hot water. (Actually, this analogy feels pretty apt right about now, in this 96-degree, 88% humidity heat, when the air itself feels like boiling water!)

I was hoping the story would present three different but equally constructive ways to deal with adversity, because I can't say that one way works best for all people, in all circumstances. I told the story to J last night and after I left the explanation hanging there was a long pause. "So... which one are you?" he asked. "Because you were just talking about how you keep a cool head through the whole crisis and then at the end of the day you come home and cry. Wouldn't that make you a carrot?" Of course I bristled slightly at this suggestion, but it says a lot.

First, about what he considers weakness and softness. Crying, to me, is a very valid and constructive coping mechanism as long as it doesn't get in the way of good conversation or moving on with my life in a more overall sense. He saw it, at least in my story, as breaking down.

But he also said, when I told him about how I tend to power through until I get a moment to myself, "You need to share that with me." And then corrected himself: "You know you can share that with me."

We agreed that the carrot-egg-coffee bean paradigm doesn't satisfactorily address the importance of community in dealing with the struggles life deals us. Any regular readers know how crucial of a role this recurring theme plays in the blog and in my life.

And overall, I maintain that the Coffee Bean Theory applies not as much to individual situations, like the "powering through a crisis and then breaking down" scenario, as it does to an overall attitude of dealing with struggle and pain. As the good Protestant girl I was brought up to be, I put a lot of faith into the idea that struggle builds character. Our trials and tribulations make us stronger and despite all the dysfunction this attitude has caused in our society I have drawn a lot of comfort from this dogma and have taken constructive life lessons from the adversities I have faced throughout my life.

 

Speaking of facing adversity, I finished the Spartan Race this weekend! We had to climb about 2 miles straight up a mountain, with sandbags to weigh us down and ropes to help us out at different points; and then we had to descend about 2 miles back down, through mud and water, under barbed wire, over walls and fire. Out of 23 obstacles we counted afterward there were only four I couldn't finish. I was left with a few relatively minor cuts and bruises, and some muscle soreness that hung around for a day or two after, but a high that lasted a full day after we got home, and pride in actually having finished the race!

The best part, though, was the community. (Here it comes...) There were people cheering us on the whole way, and of course there were some challenges I wouldn't have been able to complete without boosts from my teammates. And the coolest part about this race, as opposed to some others I have run, was the camraderie between other competitors, other "Spartans." We got to talk and laugh along the route, and help each other out, and support each other. We were sharing in this incredibly intense experience, both physically and mentally, and it gave us some common ground to stand on.

Some takeaways:

1. Believe you can do it. The biggest blocks were the mental ones, hands down. The times I had to forcefully squash my fear were the times I am most proud of in retrospect, and the times I wasn't able to do that were the times I failed to complete a particular challenge.
2. Appreciate your teammates. We got each other through in different ways, whether it was physical help overcoming an obstacle or just moral support. And then we got to eat and drink and reminisce about our proud accomplishments afterward.
3. Try everything. My goal was to finish the race without getting horribly injured. I had no idea what was coming around every turn, but I wanted to at least try every single thing they threw at me. Some of them I failed miserably at (the spear throw, for example). But at least I did try, and I got farther on some of them than I thought I would. And I know now what I have to do to prepare for next time.
4. Keep moving. I tried so hard not to lose momentum at any point throughout the race, because I knew that if I stopped for too long I would get tired and lose the energy that was really the only thing keeping me going. On the flip side of this, you have to take a break if you need it. But know when is break time and when it's time to power through. Otherwise you might find yourself suddenly wallowing in the doldrums. Not good.
5. When it's all over, eat, drink, and be merry. We got free beer after the race, and open-air spray-off showers. And then we went to a delicious restaurant to recharge our batteries and collect ourselves for the drive home. You have to check in with yourself and take care of your needs before you can expect great things.

Maybe it's just me, my 5-step plan, and that is my coffee bean and you like yours French roasted or snickerdoodle-flavored. (Maybe I can rescue this analogy by likening different coping mechanisms to different roasts and flavors of coffee beans...?)

In any case, if anything has become clear to me since I left St. Olaf it is that there is a lot of adversity in the world and in the day-to-day of our normal existence. There are many things that have made the news this week alone that make this painfully clear (the outcome of the Zimmerman trial, political corruption as usual, domestic violence cases and car accidents). I won't address any of them individually since this is already pretty long and I should be en route to the Delaware Shakespeare Festival in a minute or two, but I will say that it is almost entirely up to us how we handle the curveballs and the hardballs that come at us and I'm doing my best every damn day to make bitter coffee taste sweet.

What's your roast? Carrot, egg, or coffee bean?


***
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all good things: everything of champions

1. Song of the week: Ain't My Friend by Jessica Latshaw, Delaware native. She'll be performing on Market Street for Wilmington's Ladybug Music Festival on Thursday! Also, this video (particularly the smiling thug on the right side of the screen) makes me smile big time, over and over again.


2. I rediscovered The World’s Best Bartender on Wednesday night! He used to work at this creole place around the corner from my house and made a mindblowing mojito I haven’t stopped talking about since last year. I haven’t seen him since. But this week, J and I tried out this new restaurant up the road called Latin Fusion, and he was there tending bar, and he made me two excellent margaritas, and gave them to me at happy hour prices because I told him his mojito is legendary. We got to talk drinks for awhile (one of my favorite topics) and he really GETS it. I’m pumped.

3. Finished the Spartan race yesterday without getting injured! It was about 2 miles straight up a mountain, part of it with a 25-pound sandbag on my back; and about 2 miles back down, through mud and water, under barbed wire, over walls and fire. I did probably 100 burpees for the obstacles I didn't complete, but out of 23 obstacles there were only four I couldn't finish. I'm a little sore now, but it was SO much fun, and so satisfying!

4. The New City View Diner in Allentown, PA. On the way back from the race we were so hungry and tired so we stopped at this "creepy diner" that looked like a 1950s futuristic spaceship model, thinking we could at least get some gross greasy food. But it turns out it has the most extensive and varied menu of any place I have ever seen, and they have a sautee menu that comes with a glass of wine and a salad bar and soup, for between $12 and $18, and they have a full bar, and fresh baked goods made on premises every day, and it's open 24 hours a day! Plus the food was fast and delicious. And they have curly fries! I swear I have glimpsed heaven. 

5. Ginberry slushie. Remember the leftover gin bucket we put in the freezer after the Fourth of July? Well, last night we blended it with some fizzy water and drank it on the porch and it was the best.

6. Impromptu casseroles. Also last night at around 9:00 pm, J and I we realized after running around all over town that we hadn't eaten a real meal in awhile, so we just looked at what we had that was fast and mixed it together. What we ended up with was a veggie-and-whole-wheat rotini and shredded chicken casserole with melted mozzarella on top. Yum. And there's plenty left over for lunch today!

7. Cassie's birthday was last week! So Cassie and Luke drove down to Chicago for the weekend, to eat and see the sights! Sounds like a proper celebration to me.

8. She mentioned specifically Chez Moi, a "fun French bistro that was so good!" I told her I would add her items to the list, since she didn't have internet access yesterday.

9. Brunch at the Blue Parrot. Yesterday I woke up craving French toast, so we walked around the corner to the Blue Parrot. As usual, not disappointed. The French toast was some of the best I've ever ordered out, J's Blue Parrot breakfast had the perfect variety and the homefries were excellent, the coffee was strong and good, and the mimosas were only $3!

10. Delilah's favorite song. Someone called into the show the other night and asked Delilah to play her own favorite song... And she played You Gotta Be by Des'ree. Good choice, D. And a great way to start the week!

when i was 24...

I’ve mentioned The Girls At Work in probably too many posts. Since we’re all around the same age, and in other obvious ways our lives overlap, our lunchtime conversations provide a lot of fodder for this blog.

Mostly we talk about our roommates, and pets. Then we talk about what we do for fun, and lifehacks for doubling up professional dress with casual wear, and working out (or not). We talk about money (mostly, how much we don’t have). We talk about food: fitting grocery shopping into our busy schedules, eating healthy, eating out.

On Monday of this week, while we slogged through all this heavy problem-solving, The Other ‘ara (we get mixed up all the time at work) told us how her skinny, blond cousins, young parents in their 30s, talk about being 24. “Our twenties were a blast,” they’ll say, “but let’s be honest-- we might be less fun now, but we’re not that much less fun. And we sure don’t miss living paycheck to paycheck, living in scary places because it’s all we could afford, going out every night...”

So I started thinking: how will we look back at these lunches and our standard fare, our weird roommates, hangovers, being perpetually on the lookout for the loves of our lives? And I thought about a comment my Gramma made, how she appreciates my blog because I actually listen to the wisdom of my elders, and incorporate it. And I remembered how much I love hearing other people’s stories instead of just writing my own all the time, and I thought I’d better ask some more experienced people to recall being our age.

This post goes out to The Girls At Work, especially Sara.

I’ve also mentioned before how my mom’s experience has been different from mine. The major reason being, she was married at 22, and had me at 25, and so the time I’m spending now getting to know myself, she spent figuring out “ourselves” -- the We-factor. Being married and being a "new adult."

“When I was 24, Papa and I did everything together. We didn’t have any money... But everything was an adventure.

“And then when I was 30, I had three kids. When I was 29, Maria was born. And when my mom was 29, I was born. So that was significant to me. It felt like things were coming full-circle.

“But I didn’t feel grown up until I was about 45. Life was still an adventure and I felt like everything was so new. Now I feel like... I heard this lady say in the store that she wished she was young again but knew everything she knows now. I like the wisdom that I’ve gained and the insight that I’ve gained over years of experience.”

And now, she’s starting to take new kinds of opportunities to get to know herself. In some ways, I feel like we are on a similar page now. It is comforting, though, to hear that she just started feeling grown up recently. Maybe that means we’ve actually got some time to figure things out!

“Figuring things out” is a theme that came up over and over again. More specifically, “I hadn’t really figured anything out back then.” I was talking to J about a friendship I’m frustrated with right now, and he recalled an old friend he couldn’t even speak to for years after a bad roommate experience in college. “I eventually figured it out,” he said, “and so will you. But it will probably take you half as long. Hopefully.”

I was pleasantly surprised to get a similarly clueless impression from one of my most influential college professors. It is strange, no matter how many times I hear it, to learn that “grown-ups” I so deeply admire as capable human beings have or have had their clueless moments. It’s comforting, too. And it often makes me respect them more.

“24. Given that it was half of my life ago, I don't recall that much about my emotional state at 24. I was living in Japan teaching English and happy to be meeting some really great people. I wasn't in a romantic relationship. I read a lot, mostly novels and stuff about Asian politics. I learned how to ski. I intended to keep moving and traveling.

“I didn't know it at the time, but I was making progress on figuring out who I was. Of course I also didn't realize that some big surprises were in store for me in that regard over the next couple of years -- the major wrong turns in my life hadn't happened yet.”

Reading this response now makes me wish I had dug deeper for “the major wrong turns”... But I guess that's a conversation for another day! This part is a little intimidating... What if we have some serious wrong turns ahead of us?!

On the plus side, I guess, we still have a shot at turning out as well as Tom did.

And maybe it just takes that long. My friend Emily, who I met while she was doing AmeriCorps in Delaware last year, is not really that much older than I am. But the way she talked about being 24 struck me almost as though she were a different person commenting on someone else a few years younger.

“So as a 32-year-old, I can't really speak for anyone else because everyone matures at different rates. At 24, I had the time of my life. I had the best group of friends and I had a sense of identity. HOWEVER, I was also extremely dramatic and immature. Every kiss was some epic romance and every hurt feeling was a betrayal. So if I knew then what I know now, it would be to be a little more pragmatic, a little more responsible, a little more sober and a lot less angsty. I thought angst was 'cool' and therefore never tried to grow out of it. I also cared way too much about appearing hip, together, and cultured. I didn't realize how fake it looked. But that's just me. I was extremely immature for that age. Like I said, everyone is different.”

So I asked, what was the catalyst that makes you look back so critically? What sparked the shift, and when did it happen? What do I have to look forward to?

“There was no ‘one’ thing that contributed to the change, but moving to California to be a couch- surfer knocked a lot of it out of my system. Just not living in a place where everyone understood me and enabled my quirky, youthful ways-- that forced me to grow up a lot and realize the difference between friends and drinking buddies, and other important lessons. Delaware was another one for similar reasons.

“But it's been a process and it's one that I am still in the midst of.”

I love that she boiled it down to realizing the difference between friends and drinking buddies. It strikes me as such a beautiful way to express something I’ve often heard about growing older -- that we learn how important relationships really are to our happiness, and, if we’re lucky, how to have functional ones. Distinguishing friends from drinking buddies seems like a pretty good first step.

So maybe we really just don’t “grow up” until we’re 45. But I wonder-- what is the catalyst? And how do we really know that we’ve done it, we’ve hit our peak, we’re grown up!

One of my dad’s best friends, Dan (my dad, also called Dan, was his best man back in 1986), both offered an answer to the “catalyst” question and threw the whole idea for a loop.

“Around the age of 24...I say ‘around’ since that was so long ago (I am 52 now)...I would soon to meet a young beautiful lady who later accepted my marriage proposal, after she said ‘maybe’ and made me wait for a few weeks! For me, finances were ok but certainly not great so there was some tension about finding/keeping the right job. I had gone back to college a few years after high school.

“In some ways, I think I thought I had things figured out fairly well but I didn't really focus on the little things. I had a job that I liked and my employer kept promoting me so I felt rather encouraged and optimistic. I do recall thinking from time to time about my parents who were in their early 50s. I wondered if I would be so stuck in a rut when I get to their age as far as career, family, doing boring church stuff, etc.”

Is this like me, now? What do I have to look forward to? Read on...

“Little did I know how much children change the picture!! Liz and I have five children. The first child was an adjustment, but the second and third not so much. I guess we already had gone through the initial adjustments/shock of a major lifestyle change with the first. We waited five years before having children, but it was all an amazing experience....

“Our fourth child was the one that really threw us for a curve. Not that he was a difficult child but more from the logistical point of having so many car seats and transporting four kids places was not easy.”

AHA! KIDS! THAT’S the catalyst!

I’m actually in a bizarre position right now where I’m watching J’s older sister and her husband with their new baby, and they seem pretty much exactly the same. That is weird. At the same time, she (the baby) is having a major, discernible impact on their lives, on their social schedule, their sleep, their role in the extended family. But if they weren’t grown up before, they’re no more so now. And if they were before, then, well, there goes that idea...

But wait, Dan’s not done:

“I can honestly say that looking back when I was 24 year old, any thoughts of what I might be doing or how life might possibly be now were nowhere close to how they have turned out!

"I have heard people comment that at my age I would be ‘settled in’ to routine and life would sort of cruise by or that I would begin to slow down after turning 50. Nothing is further from the truth! Life is busy. I still have four boys living at home. Three of them are teenagers and one 12-year-old.

“My ‘career’ is just beginning to launch off into the great unknown...and that is amazing and exciting. It's all a God thing! At age 24 I really did not know what my ‘passion in life’ was. I really didn't realize what that was until about ten years ago...in my early 40s. My passion is praying for people! That alone began a period of years of learning, failing, stumbling and grasping this.”

Things are new! There are still learning curves at 32, 48, 52! Things happen that are so unexpected and they throw us for a loop again and again, and we take wrong turns and make new discoveries...

Now, The Girls At Work and I, my classmates and my friends, are looking forward to getting our ducks in a row, getting our shit together, figuring things out. Having our own place, being married, making the salary we want and having our own benefits instead of living off our parents’. (In the meantime, Mom, Dad, Obama, we appreciate it and it really is awesome of you to share yours with us until we’re 26!)

5, 10, 25 years down the line, we will definitely have gained some perspective and some wisdom, but who knows what we will think about who we are now and what we are doing. All we can do is our best, and try to be happy.

Bring on the adventure!

all good things reprise: picking up where i left it...

I got called out on not posting All Good Things last night, which is silly because I've been collecting Things to list. To tell the truth, Sunday just isn't the best day to post. My sincerest apologies to those of you who have looked for it the past two weeks. I've got to figure out a way to not miss it.

I've been toying with the idea of posting on Monday, since Monday is a day a lot of us need reminders of the Good Things anyway. So I'm going to try it, starting tonight. Please bear with me! And thank you :)

1. Song of the week: Follow Your Arrow by Kacey Musgraves, who gets mad points for writing catchy cultural criticisms. This track has been inspiring me lately.


2. Guardian angel? I was leaving work in the midst of torrential downpour recently, bracing myself to get soaked on my way to the car... And as soon as I stepped out from under the overhang, the rain slowed to a drizzle! Everyday miracle.

3. Subject: Three Things I'm Grateful For. Recently I've had an email chain going with a couple of brothers from my high school crew. We cover everything from politics to pop culture to food and adventures... My favorite part of these emails, though, has been our round robin lists of "Three things I'm grateful for today." Like All Good Things, but every day.

4. Today's Google Doodle honoring the 66th anniversary of the reporting of the Roswell Incident. Take a stab first, and  if you can't figure it out fast enough (it took me several run-throughs over the course of five hours) read about it on PCmag.com.

5. Brazilian barbecue. A bunch of us went to Fogo de Chao up in Philly last night. I was terrified because everyone was talking about how much food it is... But it turns out you can choose how much you eat, which I happen to be good at, and every bite was in-cred-ib-le. Seriously, I am not a big meat-eater, but this stuff... Wow. That's all I can say. Plus, I had the best capirinha of my life. Yummm.

6. Talking to people with shared hobbies. I went to breakfast with some local writers on Saturday, just to chat. One thing we all have in common is that we are smart and passionate and it is so refreshing to talk about something we all care about. Also, I got to meet and get to know a few new people this time around, which is always a good time.

7. Drinks in jars. I poured a bunch of gin and lemonade and raspberries together into a giant pickle jar last week and we drank it on the Fourth of July. It was delicious. Also, J found an insulated plastic smoothie cup with a straw... shaped like a Mason jar. I am SMITTEN with it.

8. Figs and peaches and crepe myrtle. (This Good Thing courtesy of my mom.) They're just coming into season right now, which means my backyard is about to burst into fruit! Plus, on the Fourth, we were passing around fig spread and goat cheese on crackers, which is my new favorite snack, and I found out that one of J's aunts has a fig tree in her backyard and makes fig spread from scratch and gives it away, because she doesn't like it. So I got on the list. Now the only question is, what will I do with the figs on MY tree??

9. Summer shandy has suddenly come to the East Coast in full force. Which is odd, since I could only find Leinie's shandy at one local liquor store last summer, and now? It's gone up $3 for a 12-pack, and it's prominently displayed in every liquor store I visit (which is a lot) and a bunch of East Coast craft breweries are making it, and you can buy "fresh" shandy at bars and there are ads everywhere, on billboards and on TV. Why the sudden explosion in popularity? J says, "Because you love it and the universe heard that." I know, gross. (But secretly I love it.)

10. Air conditioners! I'm not generally big on AC, but when it's as humid and hot as it's been for the past week, I can tell you I really appreciate it. It's so hard to sleep when the air is a blanket you can't take off. So yesterday I moved into a new room in the house that has an air conditioner, and actually managed to sleep for once. And I didn't even wake up in a pool of my own sweat. Nice.

weird time to be american

It's a weird time to be American.

A lot of people are questioning exactly what that means, to be American; not that this nation's history hasn't been rife with identity crises. In some ways it seems like the same story over and over again, with slightly different characters. That's what we get for being a melting pot, I guess. An eternity of lab-testing our ever-changing alloy, at super high temperatures.

This week also marks 150 years since the Battle of Gettysburg, widely heralded as the turning point of the Civil War, after which the secessionists had very little hope of winning and the Union began to take shape with greater certainty.

I can't say what it felt like back then, but if you ask me, the winners-and-losers paradigm doesn't apply very well to the wars we're fighting these days. Who really wins? Who really loses?

Especially because, 150 years later, the "Union" doesn't seem particularly unified at all.

We're still fighting the injustices and questions that led up to the Civil War: Racism. States' rights. There are so many huge issues up for debate at the current moment, issues that bring to bear the very humanity of different groups of people. And in the absence of any foolproof or even somewhat workable solutions, we have resorted to a pathological aversion to agreeing on anything.

I can hardly criticize, because I see fallibilities in a lot of the alternatives that have been put out for review, and I can't come up with anything that I'm satisfied with either; but such is being human. There are rarely foolproof solutions to anything. But I am convinced that, faced with this situation, our legislators and people in "power" have stuffed their ears with cotton, tied their blindfolds on, and strapped on their boxing gloves before they go in to "negotiations."

Maybe this is just politics and I am too green to understand, but I've heard this expressed by people who have been around a little longer than I have -- that, on the political stage, we are moving farther and farther away from any kind of bipartisanship.

But then, I understand that the hugeness and diversity of this country makes it hard for any one decision to cover all the bases. Since my highly disputed post about feminism, my eyes have been opened to the variety of experiences even people in the "same" community live on a daily basis. The other day someone I know, a female business owner, asked me if I knew of any minority female business owner groups in the area. She told me about a female professionals meeting she attended: "I walked into that room and I was the only face that wasn't white. Those women don't know what my experience is like."

Women, so often clustered together as a unified interest group, are different from each other. Another blog post on that subject for those who are interested, on how many different kinds of women there are and why one woman cannot truthfully speak for all women.

A classmate of mine just wrote a post about a book called How to Be Black, which I haven't read but probably will now. Thesis?

"It doesn't make sense to work toward ending your personally offensive -ism and in the process make any of the others worse. It doesn't make sense to work toward equality for women but to worsen the inequality against the LGBTQ community, or the African American community, or those who are experiencing homelessness, etc. ...We really do all have to work together, on behalf of one another."

I spent a lot of today looking up patriotic (but politically innocuous) quotes to post on client social media sites. It turns out -- are you ready for this? -- that if anything is politically innocuous, it sure ain't patriotism.

The Founding Fathers were anything but innocuous. They were not content to sit and wait for things to change for the better. You've heard their quotes:

"Give me liberty or give me death!" - Patrick Henry

"Occasionally the tree of Liberty must be watered with the blood of patriots and tyrants." - Thomas Jefferson

Things have changed since then. Americans are different. We are different from each other. We speak different languages and different versions of those languages, we come from different places and have different experiences from each other. We were not all born here, within these borders (which themselves are arbitrary)...

But there is something tying us together. Maybe it is that we live on this soil. Maybe it is that we define ourselves as American, whatever our reasoning and rationale. And for all the subdividing we do to our identity, there is some beauty to the holiday, tomorrow: It is an opportunity, whether we take it or not, to share something.

I hope that we someday learn to listen to each other, and to treat each other with respect, and I hope it happens sooner rather than later. And I hope we can find enough common ground to stand on, to stand up for our neighbors even if they are different from us. Because no matter how many things are different, there will always be something the same. We just have to look for it.

budgeting 101

My senior year of college I took a one-month intensive personal finance course. Historically I would count it as one of the most useful classes I have ever taken, and would say that it taught me some of the most useful life skills out of any of my college courses.

Two and a half years later, I am learning some really practical and true lessons about personal finance, now less theoretical and more on-the-ground. It's like in our first week of college, when the upper class academic peer advisors performed skits for us to warn us that we would learn time management skills and self-discipline, and maybe we took notes or maybe we rolled our eyes... I know what I really needed to learn was how I handle things, and what kinds of expectations are realistic and what kinds are unrealistic, and when it comes down to it what my priorities are.

To be fair, these are things I'm still learning about myself, and they will probably continue to change many, many times throughout my life.

Money
So, back to Personal Finance 101. I still have not bought any stocks or started putting money into a retirement fund; so much for long-term financial planning! But I do have a growing savings account, and I try (more or less successfully) to keep my home expenses under 30% of my monthly budget. I am learning that 30% still makes things tight. Because then there is gas, groceries, student loans, my cell phone bill, insurance.

This is all very basic. How many of these things can I live without? How happy am I at this bare bones level?

That's an uncomfortable question for me to ask, because I don't like to admit my consumerist tendencies. I don't often go shopping for fun, so that's good. I am pretty much a pro at not buying things I don't need, and I'm getting a lot better at eating my produce before it goes bad. My vice, if you can really call it that, is going out to eat and drink. I also am a sucker for supporting the local arts and culture scene in general; so I give $5 a month to public radio, and I'll hit up museums and small-time concerts and festivals from time to time.

And that stuff adds up.

Then there are the infrequent expenses, like car repairs and oil changes, medical expenses, personal hygiene. And the more frivolous ones like trips and birthday presents. Frivolous. What does that even mean? How can I classify that?

Because these are things that are important to me. They make up who I am and to a certain extent these are the financial costs of maintaining healthy, positive, important relationships. How can I sacrifice that in good faith?

Time
And yes, I've been writing a lot lately about how full my schedule is and how it exhausts me. I don't have enough time to do all the things I'm doing, and that doesn't even include things I really want to do but absolutely must say "no" to. There is no class for this in college, and although time management is supposedly what they told us we would have to learn in those four years I found that unrealistic. It turns out to be a lot more complicated than just making a priority list and figuring out where you can cut corners to make things faster; because here it's our sanity that's on the line.

And when your list includes a 40-hour work week, sleep, food, showers and travel time, there's not a lot of room left to be human. I'm not really OK with that. But what's my alternative?

Space
I'm really not good at this one. When we moved into our house in Little Italy last September, I volunteered to draw the short straw and take the small room because I loved the house and the 'hood so much.

For most of this year I have had about 3 square feet of space to stand in my room, around the bed and the closet and the trunk I keep my clothes in; and my bookshelves and files and laundry hamper. And since I have so little time left to do laundry and stay up to date with my filing and personal business, I also have stacks of half-clean clothes and paper items and unsent packages shoved under the bed and perched precariously on top of each other in Babel towers crammed between the walls and the bare necessities.

And now it's hot as balls outside and stuffy inside, and I have one little window with a window fan in it and I am getting frustrated at the Cirque du Soleil routines I have to perform to move stuff in and out of the room and to get from the door to the closet. I thought it would be fine, but the cushions I budgeted in other realms to make up for my lack of space have now burned up, and they don't pick up the slack anymore.

Energy
Maybe this is what it all comes down to. Matter can be neither created nor destroyed, but energy is recycled. I have always been fascinated by energy -- how it turns from potential to kinetic energy and somehow continually shape-shifts into something else.

This is my biggest cushion: a positive attitude, which may not seem so positive to you, dear readers, but is really what keeps me going throughout the long, dark Januaries and Februaries and the super-stressful weeks that turn into working weekends. That's what keeps me going through the endless flow of sad and scary headlines and the money troubles and the time crunch: I have hope, and I believe that I am always coming up with a better solution. Also, I have an unbelievably supportive community of family, friends, coworkers, and random other people that pop in and out of my life like rainbows.

But there is the constant danger of getting burned out. Sometimes I start to feel dangerously tired, or irritable, or fuzzy in the head. I'm getting a lot better at recognizing these symptoms and taking an out if I need it; but when that means disappointing someone I love or asking for an unpaid day off it gets pretty hard. Next in line is pinning down how to budget my energy ahead of time so I can see it coming and avoid burnout before it happens.

I've got to figure out how to stop before I get to the $2-in-my-bank-account-and-three-days-'til-payday level. And by "$2," I mean whatever the exchange rate is for money, time, space, AND energy. I'm looking for balance. Culturally we are not very good at this, but I am determined to rise above and build some kind of a system that works. Before my life changes drastically again and I have to start all over.

Welcome to adulthood?

all good things reprise: episode 17

Another crazy week. This weekend's post is delayed for a number of reasons, mainly too much (good) stuff going on for both Cassie and I. I'll throw together a list now, though, since it's Monday Monday. And you can bet all our excuses will be on it!

1. Weddings! Cassie had a wedding to go to this weekend, which is super exciting.

2. Friends visiting! Also super exciting: my good friend Cat is visiting the East Coast from San Fransisco for a couple of weeks, and has come down here to visit me for a few days!

3. Milestone birthdays! J and his twin brother (weird, right?) turned 30 on Saturday! We threw them a big shindig and I think we can all agree that they were properly celebrated.

4. Trying anything once. We took the guys paintballing on Saturday, which most of us hadn't really done before. We have a lot of battle wounds, but had a great time.

5. Fake mustaches! On Saturday night we all went to a barcade where J bought a ton of stick-on mustaches from the quarter machines and passed them out. I kind of forgot that I had it on after awhile and couldn't figure out why no one could take me seriously.

6. Beautiful Creatures, new in RedBox this week. A captivating and mildly creepy movie with some profound statements about love, magic, beauty, and the good-and-bad-ness of life in general.

7. The beach! Cat and J and I took a day trip to Rehoboth Beach, left super early and spent the day on the beach. I always find sand and sea water and sunshine super therapeutic and healing. Remember how I've been calling for a healer?

8. Happy hour! This makes the list a lot, but this week we went to a new place: Brio at the mall. They have $5 drinks and small plates of food for $3.95!! And outdoor seating!

9. Man of Steel! Saw it on Wednesday and it was AWESOME! I won't say any more, but seriously, see it. Also Superman is way hot in this.

10. Local beer and local beer-related activities! We went to the Dogfish Head restaurant at the beach for lunch and it was a lonnnggg walk from the Boardwalk, but the food and beer was delicious. J's spare rib sloppy joe won food-wise; all three of our beers were phenomenal. Midas Touch, Bratty Swagger, and Tweason'ale. Check 'em out!

Good things in store this week for you? I hope so! Live it up, enjoy what you can, and make the most of whatever else you are dealt.

<3

keep calm and dot dot dot

A couple of weeks go I read a blog post comparing blogs to different kinds of beer. At the time, I thought that baby steps was a stout; now, though, re-reading the post, I think it might actually be more of an IPA: Ales have flavor. Sometimes they’re so hoppy they make your face pucker. You feel them as much as you taste them. These are blogs that make you feel something, too. They have an opinion. They’re not shy. They have passion and a natural voice. They know who they are, and they take a stand. Sometimes they’re negative. Sometimes they’re personal. I think I'm OK with that description, even though the classification is a bit ironic seeing as I am not IPAs' biggest fan. My posts are always personal. I'm tackling the Heavy Seas on a regular basis -- imagine living in my head all the time!

I think the post might have missed some categories, though. Like my classmate Caroline's blog, which I would call light but by no means insubstantial. This blog is easy to "drink," but it still has its own distinct flavor. Every once in awhile you get a hit of something heavier, like homesickness or current events or spirituality, but it highlights the beautiful things in life. We all need a little of that.

This is why I publish All Good Things on Sunday nights now. I admit the weeks get a little heavy sometimes. This week, I've had stress nightmares and anxiety taking up residence in the pit of my stomach. Makes me extra glad I started BodyCombat -- I obviously can't tell you enough how it sends anxiety packing.

I'm also really excited that summer is kicking off hard lately. Two weekends ago, my parents took J and I up to New York to see Rock of Ages on Broadway. We unfortunately couldn't get tickets together, so we saw Mamma Mia! instead. Which did not disappoint.

Plus, Rock of Ages was coming to Philly the next weekend, so I decided that in this case I could have my cake and eat it too. Please note, this is generally the biggest problem in my life right now: trying to take advantage of too many things.

In this case, though, I couldn't have made a better decision. One of my coworkers lives in West Philly, and we were both trying to find someone to go with us to the show on Saturday, without success. So, unashamedly, we became backup friends for Rock of Ages at the Kimmel Center in Philadelphia, rushed tickets and ended up with front row seats for only $22, and had the time of our lives.

There are a lot of parts of this story that are important: being open and spontaneous, going with the flow, doing something simply because I so badly want it. Even the theme of Rock of Ages is follow your dreams.

Maybe this is what has for so long been compelling to me about the eighties and rock music and dancing. It is antiestablishment, personal, true and a little wild. It is about dreaming and going your own way. (Thanks, Fleetwood Mac!)

And it's just plain old fun.

J and his brother donated an old PS3 guitar to my brother's secondhand Rock Band last weekend. So on Monday, at the weekly dinner, my sister and I got decked out in badass hot pink purple sparkly makeup and rocked out.

I used to dress up all the time. I used to play a lot more. I guess I'm growing up, but there are some things I hope I never forget. I hope there is always something I want so badly it doesnt make sense. I hope I go out of my way for them. I hope I still try new things even if it's not comfortable. I hope I never lose the ability to get lost in dreams and music and dancing (and Shake Shack) for a few hours, and that the real world continues to accommodate magic when I return to it.

P.S. Yesterday, another coworker invited everyone to join him at happy hour at the mall, and in line with this whole post, I thought, sure! I'll finish my post by phone, later.

And here I am, 24 hours and change later, writing something I didn't know I was going to say, but probably really needed to.

all good things reprise: episode 16

Happy Father's Day! Spoiler alert: dads will make the list! But these guys are accompanied this week by a series of other really great things, so hit play and read on...



1. <i>Rock of Ages.</i> I drove up to Philly this weekend to meet up with one of my coworkers for the show. We rushed tickets <i>$22</i> at the Kimmel Center, first row! And the show itself was mind-blowingly, face-meltingly excellent. Everyone around us agreed it was the most fun we've ever had at a show.

2. Philadelphia in general was a great time. Sara tweeted that she was going to convince me to move up there... And I gotta say, I don't hate it!

3. Meanwhile, back in Wilmington, in my neighborhood, in fact, St. Anthony's annual Italian Festival has been in full swing all week (except for the two days it was called off because of extreme weather). The festival features carnival rides and games, Italian food, carnival food (deep fried Oreos, anyone?!), pizza, beer, music, alcoholic water ice, gelato... So many good things all in one place!

4. Speaking of extreme weather, we worked from home Thursday in anticipation of hail and lightning strikes, etc... Which is always weird (particularly since I don't have internet at my house, and my job is social media) but in this case turned out to be a very good thing as our server got obliterated at the office and was out nearly 24 hours! Plus, I got <i>so much work</i> done...

5. Minor league baseball. We got some free tickets from work to go to the Wilmington Blue Rocks game on Friday night. This is great because beer and corndogs cost approximately half as much, on average, as they do at the big league games I've been to. And, after the game, there are fireworks!

6. <i>Cloud Atlas.</i> This movie was not so excellently rated, but J and I RedBoxed it last night and actually really enjoyed it! For a three hour movie, I was actually quite enthralled throughout... That is, after we turned on subtitles. (They tried to use a lot of different dialects and accents, some of which are fabricated, and it was really hard to follow.) I like the theme, though.

7. Alarm songs that make you smile when they go off in the morning. I for one need all the help I can get getting out of bed in the morning!

8. Family. Some of my dad's cousins swung through town on Friday, and came up to where I work to take my lunch break with me! I also got to spend some time with my sister this afternoon; she helped me wash my car and we talked. Also, my grandma sent me a note about healing, in reference to my last post... And J's family is also pretty great. It's always a good time when we spend our afternoons over there :)

9. ...But ESPECIALLY fathers, and grandfathers, and godfathers, and all the other men in our lives! My dad is great and I am lucky to have him. It's nice being around now, too. I'm also lucky to have a lot of other great dads in my life: two living grandfathers, J's dad, his brother-in-law who is celebrating his first ever Father's Day! And more than a few of my friends' dads scattered all over the country and the world. Thanks, guys!

<i>Cassie is taking a break from All Good Things this week because she is spending time with her dad. Totally acceptable!</i>

10. Sunsets like this one can really bring closure to the day.

"i need a healer"

St. Olaf has this tradition, as part of senior week and commencement activities, of hearing one "Last Lecture" from a professor chosen by a vote of the senior class. Traditionally, the senior class usually chooses renowned philosophy professor Charles Taliaferro; but to my great delight, the class of 2013 voted to hear their Last Lecture from Anthropology Professor Thomas Williamson. His lecture was titled, The Anthropologist's Guide to Unhealthy Living. You can stream it here; it's long, but worth it.

I took a medical anthropology class with Tom in the spring semester of my junior year. In it, we discussed how different societies conceptualize "health." In our mainstream U.S. culture, we tend to view "health" as the absence of illness. In the negative.

My medical missionary grandfather said to me once that many members of the tribal Amazon basin cultures have not known what it feels like to "feel good" most of the time. Their state of normalcy is illness: digestive issues; malnutrition; river blindness.

But, the older I get, the more I wonder if we, as a culture, know what it feels like to feel good most of the time. I would argue that our state of normalcy is worry, stress, depression, anxiety, terror; digestive issues; hangovers; hypochondria; migraines; general pain.

I have been noticing lately the occupational hazards of sitting at a desk for 7.5 hours a day, 5 days a week. I feel regular stiffness in my hips and knees, and pain when I run; perpetual tension in my back and shoulders, which in severe cases turns into piercing headaches, which tear up my stomach too; constant pain in my right hand, my mouse hand, my pen hand. This isn't the first time, either; last time I went to the doctor about hand pain they sent me to a hand surgeon who gave me a shot to create scar tissue in my tendon, after a shot of novocaine that left my entire hand numb for at least 12 hours. And then they charged me $270.

This isn't what I'm looking for. I don't want to get rid of my ailments; I want to be healthy. I want my doctor to tell me what I can change about my life to prevent this pain in the first place.

On Monday I had an SOS lunch break phone date with a faraway friend, to work through some general anxiety. She said, "I need a healer in my life." She said where she lives everyone has a bodyworker. And she's tried it, but that's not the kind of healer she needs. She said, one-on-one yoga practice didn't do the trick; nor did counseling. I would never even suggest to her that she goes to a "real doctor," because what would he or she do? Prescribe some drugs to glaze over the problem.

Not gonna cut it.

I've been on a quest lately to balance my life, to clear out more empty space so I have time for self-care and time for flexibility. I've been working on eating foods that make me feel good, foods that boost my energy and alertness and don't give me stomach trouble. (The list of foods that give me stomach trouble gets longer every year, which is a little frightening. And I know I'm not the only one with food allergies and intolerances springing up on me out of nowhere.) I've been trying to sleep more, which actually helps a lot. I've been learning how to say no, which is hard because there are legitimately a lot of things I want to do every single day.

Call me a hippie, but I truly believe that most ailments are psychosomatic or somatopsychic. That is, most sicknesses and most of the pain we feel is actually a symptom of a larger, deeper problem or imbalance. In fact, I will boil it down even more and say that a huge percentage of our general ailments are stress-induced. (Actually, it turns out that stress in our grandparents' childhoods may actually impact the ailments we experience now. Wild.)

This is hard to get away from, since the bulk of what we deal with on a day-to-day basis, particularly as young adults and recent grads, is

• Healthcare: Do I have any or not? Does it cover birth control?
• Money: Do I have any or not? Is it enough to pay my rent AND my student loan payments?
• Terrorism and random shootings
• Global warming and the most aggressive storm season since the Ice Age
• The government spying on us (but, really, are we all that surprised?)
• Jobs: Am I on a "career" path? Does that even exist? ...do I even HAVE a job?? Given the statistics, maybe not.
• How long before Friday afternoon and happy hour? Because this is getting old.

So what would it mean to bring a "healer" into all this? What kind of healer would even be able to approach our ailments while avoiding either dialing a hotline of some kind or pulling out a pad and sending me straight to the pharmacy?

I am doing a lot to build and keep a healthy lifestyle. But what I kept saying to my friend on Monday is that she shouldn't try to tackle all her struggles alone. There is something different and comforting and important about being healed, about the process and the social aspect of it. It is active, healing and being healed; it is interactive.

So what do we need? I couldn't tell you. I wouldn't know what to call the person that could tackle this one. People trek to all the most isolated pockets of the world to find healers; they try all kinds of shamans and rituals and superstitions, and they write books about their quests.

Any ideas? Recommendations? For my friend and for me -- a healer to bring us closer to good living.

society is crumbling

Last week one of my coworkers found a video on Fox News entitled "All-Male Fox Panel Laments Female Breadwinners." Somewhat shocked and horrified, we took it as our comedy for the day... But the clip stuck with me.

Let me summarize it for you, although the title is pretty self-explanatory:
The clip consists of four guys in suits talking about a new study stating that in 4 out of 10 families a woman is the primary breadwinner. Of course they find this "concerning and troubling," and spend about four minutes discussing the crumbling, the dissolution, the disintegration of American society and why it can be directly attributed to women being the primary breadwinner in less than half of American families.

"It's having an impact on our children," they say. "We as people in a smart society have lost the ability to have complementary relationships, and it's tearing our society apart."

"We're losing a generation. Bottom line, it could undermine our social order."

It's easy to dismiss everything they are saying as sexist and ignorant. Because it is. But there is something in this conversation that needs to be addressed.

I work for a registered minority- and female-owned company. This always casts political and social issues under a really interesting microscope. Especially political and social issues that deal with women or people of color.

When we sent the clip out to everyone in the office, the female partner said, "You know, it's unrealistic to think that we can balance having a fulfilling career, taking care of our kids, maintaining a successful marriage, keeping a clean house... I don't envy you young ladies. I don't envy your generation. You have some incredibly difficult choices to make."

The clip stuck with me, and that comment stuck with me. It's not as though this is something new to me. My female friends and I have been battling the question for most of our conscientious lives, and particularly since we graduated college: What sacrifices do I want to make to have my dream life? What sacrifices should I make to have my dream life?

Do we sacrifice our dreams or our callings for love? Or do we sacrifice love for our calling? Do I move to a new and faraway place, where I know no one, because my significant other got a good job there? Do I move to a new and faraway place, where I know no one, and leave my significant other behind because I got accepted to my dream grad school, or because I got offered my dream job?

The social environment in which I grew up taught me that I should not sacrifice my personal -- read, "professional" -- dreams for a romantic relationship. Because I will inevitably become resentful and that will take a toll on the romantic relationship I gave up everything for.

But I grew up in a family that prioritized the collective, the community, the relationships within a community, above all. Plus, that greater social environment planted this seed in my head that I can have it all. This is one of the main complaints of my peers: that we were led to believe something untrue, namely, that we can do anything; and it is one of the main complaints of older generations against our generation: that millennials have this sense of entitlement, this belief that we deserve to have everything we want. We want to have our cake and eat it too, and it turns out, suddenly, that we can't.

Damn.

So I, and a lot of other people in my peer group, feel a little confused.

there are 168 hours in a week. i need at least 250.

Many of our mothers, now that we're out of the house and figuring out our own lives, are having an opposite realization. My mom has said on multiple occasions that she made the conscious decision to do things she wasn't wild about sometimes because she would be with the people she loved. As a mother and wife she would have given up almost anything for us, and on many occasions she did.

I think that choosing a family or a relationship as #1 is a decision that is unfairly vilified for women in modern, forward-thinking society. But there is real emotional and psychological fallout for those women who do make that choice, and put love in the top spot in their lives.

And there is real emotional and psychological and social fallout for those women who make the choice to put their careers in the top spot. There is and always will be fallout, no matter what we decide to put first. Something will always fall behind.

Those Fox News guys were right when they said the rise of female breadwinners is "having an impact on our children." They were right when they said it's undermining our social order. They were right, honestly, when they said that we as "people in a smart society have lost the ability to have complementary relationships."

But it is ignorant, cowardly, to conclude that this means we should go back to "the way things were." It's ignorant, too, to say that the rise in female breadwinners caused all of this chaos. I would call it more of a symptom of an outdated model that was also flawed and that isn't really working anymore in the world as it is turning out to be.

We do need to learn how to have truly complementary relationships, where all involved parties are on equal ground. We need to figure out some way to raise our children to be functional human beings who can have functional relationships, while also making sure they don't go hungry and that they are comfortable with diversity and the change that is an inevitable part of our future.

We need a new model. I don't know what it is, and I dread the day I have to make an actual decision about my family, my relationships, my career, my lifestyle. I'm barely sustaining sanity as it is, between work, my love life, my friendships, my family, my workout schedule, and having time to eat. I know if something happened to make two of those things suddenly really conflict, it would be the hardest decision I have ever had to make. It already has been, on a smaller scale. And when my friends ask me what to do in x. y, or z situation, I have no idea what to say.

And this, I think, is the real reason "society is crumbling." The global population is getting bigger while the earth stays the same size. The amount of valuable resources really doesn't change, either -- money, time, energy. We're running out of options. The pressure on families is that much higher. The pressure on individuals is that much higher. We have to do a lot more to be seen, and our odds feel like they're always going down.

As a society we need to be creative and resilient and trash the conceptual limitations we have had for a long time. It's time for a change. Get on board, suits. You're going to get left behind. I hope.

All Good Things Reprise: Episode 15

Have you spent any time in the fresh air today? It could just be the cure-all you desperately need. Or just some general feel good vitamin D. Give yourself a break, sit back, and enjoy the good things life has to offer this week.


1. The 100 Worst Songs Ever playlist on Songza. On Monday morning one of my officemates discovered this playlist and it got us through the morning. Almost every new song elicited a resounding collective "YES!" from both of us (except for the few truly terrible tunes we didn't recognize).

2. The Wilmington Greek Festival. Best spanakopita, dolmades (stuffed grape leaves -- but I learned how to say it the Greek way), baklava! My favorite dessert ever. Gyros, of course, and ouzo, which I have never tasted before but I really quite like that anise flavor.

3. Brave by Sara Bareilles. It's in the playlist this week, but really it deserves its own number because the song has been boosting me every couple of days lately, whenever I need it, and the video gives me happy-chills.

4. On Friday night my parents took J. and I to a Broadway show for my birthday -- a belated birthday gift, because my birthday is in November. I am definitely not complaining that we got to celebrate my birthday twice in one year... We meant to see Rock of Ages but there weren't any good seats left, so we saw Mamma Mia! instead which we also really enjoyed, especially since I haven't even seen the movie before! Also because I love ABBA. We had some delicious Asian fusion food right before the show, right next door to the theater, and some New York cheesecake for dessert afterward. It was raining so hard on Friday we were all soaked the whole time. Times Square was pretty wild with thousands of umbrellas competing for overhead airspace...

5. Girls night out! Last night my roomies and I went out in Trolley Square, which is sort of the 20-somethings' official going out place in northern Delaware. The three of us are usually so busy that we never have time to actually talk and touch base... So we have to schedule it weeks in advance. And when we do finally get together, it's always so good and refreshing.

6. Summer hours! My job allows us to work more hours on Monday-Thursdays and then have a half day on Friday. It's the best thing ever. It feels like I have a long weekend every weekend! The weekdays can feel long, but it's worth it.

7. Honey Kix. Luke and I picked up a box to try it this week. We finished them in like 2 days because they're so flipping good! You should try them. For real.

8. Letting someone play with/do your hair. I don't know what it is, but when someone plays with my hair or styles it in some way I get so relaxed. I had a practice appointment to try out some wedding hairstyles, and I almost fell asleep!

9. The movie Moonrise Kingdom. I saw it in the theater, own a copy of it, and watch it every time it plays on HBO. It's a movie about two 12-year-olds who fall in love. It's so innocent and lovely that I can't help but smile.

10. Making breakfast for someone. I normally wake up earlier than Luke, and I love surprising him with some type of breakfast (eggs, pancakes, etc). I feel like it's a nice way to show my appreciation for all the great things he does for me.


Until next week, dear readers! Be kind to each other! (The really lpvely closing line from The Ellen Show.)