the ideal "first question"

Last weekend I went to a party for a friend in Baltimore, where I had met a few people before but didn't know many of them well. It was an interestingly informal venue to get to know new people, but I have to admit I find small talk exhausting.

A few weeks ago I was talking to some friends about the differences between the Midwest and the East Coast, particularly the Mid-Atlantic. One of them recounted the story of a female friend from Virginia who married a Minnesotan guy. She said when they meet new people in the D.C. area, they ask what she does for work; in the Midwest, they ask if she is married.

It's an interesting contrast, one that highlights some stereotypical cultural differences between the two regions. I know there are other contextual factors that influence what "first question" you ask, like the fact that her main contact in the Midwest is more likely family or church people, while in D.C. they are more likely professionals or peers. The question can also be influenced by age differences, whether you are meeting in a big city or a small town or on a college campus, whether you are in a corporate office building or a yoga studio or on a plane... And some contexts, and the questions that come with them, are more conducive to actually getting to know someone on a deeper level.

Ideally, we agreed, neither of those orginial questions is one we would actually LIKE to form a first impression about us. But what else is there? If we could choose any first question to ask or be asked when meeting someone new, what would it be?


One of my friends said, "I always like the Marry/Kiss/Kill with chocolate, bacon, and sweet potato fries." (For those unfamiliar with the game, you have to choose which of the three options you would prefer to spend your life with; which you would like to have a sordid moment with, but not a long-term relationship; and which you would give up forever, if you had to choose one.)

Before I could ask what someone's answers to that question would tell us, we of course got caught up in our own answers, and how they have changed over time, and what that says about our lives.

So maybe the question serves its purpose.

I remember meeting the boyfriend of a friend, back when he was new. She got up to go the restroom, leaving him alone with us. "So," he said, with a conspiratorial grin, "any burning questions you want to ask me while she's gone?"

"Not really," I replied. "All the important stuff will come up in the course of normal conversation." I didn't say it, but my sense was that what we would find out about him would be truer, more honest, if we let it come out with time.

But somebody has to ask something to get the conversation flowing. I tried to think of my ideal first question. What do I most want to know about people? What they are passionate about. What drives them. Their main goal in life.

But asking about those things up front puts a lot of pressure on the conversation. It's likely to either cause the questionee to clam up, or spew a packaged answer. Any deep and lasting relationship has to balance a sense of mutual ease and comfort with an open table for all kinds of discussions, serious or not.

So I'm a little stuck. I guess if I had to choose betwween "What do you do?" and "Are you married?" I would choose the former, because it is more relevant to my actual personality, and it's more likely to lead into other, more interesting questions like, "What do you like about it?" "How did you get into that?" "Is this where you want to be long-term?" "And what do you do in your spare time?"


Actually, speaking of spare time, the best luck I've probably ever had with a first question is, "What are you reading?" Which could lead into what you like or dislike about the book at hand, whether you are reading it for fun or for school or for work or for a book club, and even your favorite book(s) of all time. That question has in recent history spurred interesting conversations with a woman sitting next to me on a plane; coworkers; my mechanic; and J, before we started dating! Books also contribute to a good chunk of the conversations I have with people I'm already close to.

The only problem is, that question only applies to someone who is currently reading, or has a book in their possession. It also is definitely not foolproof in the age of e-readers that could be tablets. (Another argument for actual glue-and-paper books, but that's a discussion for another day...)

I think I've made my choice anyway, readers: What are you reading?

But since I already know the answer (ha, ha), I'll leave you with this: what would be your ideal "first question"?

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