budgeting 101

My senior year of college I took a one-month intensive personal finance course. Historically I would count it as one of the most useful classes I have ever taken, and would say that it taught me some of the most useful life skills out of any of my college courses.

Two and a half years later, I am learning some really practical and true lessons about personal finance, now less theoretical and more on-the-ground. It's like in our first week of college, when the upper class academic peer advisors performed skits for us to warn us that we would learn time management skills and self-discipline, and maybe we took notes or maybe we rolled our eyes... I know what I really needed to learn was how I handle things, and what kinds of expectations are realistic and what kinds are unrealistic, and when it comes down to it what my priorities are.

To be fair, these are things I'm still learning about myself, and they will probably continue to change many, many times throughout my life.

Money
So, back to Personal Finance 101. I still have not bought any stocks or started putting money into a retirement fund; so much for long-term financial planning! But I do have a growing savings account, and I try (more or less successfully) to keep my home expenses under 30% of my monthly budget. I am learning that 30% still makes things tight. Because then there is gas, groceries, student loans, my cell phone bill, insurance.

This is all very basic. How many of these things can I live without? How happy am I at this bare bones level?

That's an uncomfortable question for me to ask, because I don't like to admit my consumerist tendencies. I don't often go shopping for fun, so that's good. I am pretty much a pro at not buying things I don't need, and I'm getting a lot better at eating my produce before it goes bad. My vice, if you can really call it that, is going out to eat and drink. I also am a sucker for supporting the local arts and culture scene in general; so I give $5 a month to public radio, and I'll hit up museums and small-time concerts and festivals from time to time.

And that stuff adds up.

Then there are the infrequent expenses, like car repairs and oil changes, medical expenses, personal hygiene. And the more frivolous ones like trips and birthday presents. Frivolous. What does that even mean? How can I classify that?

Because these are things that are important to me. They make up who I am and to a certain extent these are the financial costs of maintaining healthy, positive, important relationships. How can I sacrifice that in good faith?

Time
And yes, I've been writing a lot lately about how full my schedule is and how it exhausts me. I don't have enough time to do all the things I'm doing, and that doesn't even include things I really want to do but absolutely must say "no" to. There is no class for this in college, and although time management is supposedly what they told us we would have to learn in those four years I found that unrealistic. It turns out to be a lot more complicated than just making a priority list and figuring out where you can cut corners to make things faster; because here it's our sanity that's on the line.

And when your list includes a 40-hour work week, sleep, food, showers and travel time, there's not a lot of room left to be human. I'm not really OK with that. But what's my alternative?

Space
I'm really not good at this one. When we moved into our house in Little Italy last September, I volunteered to draw the short straw and take the small room because I loved the house and the 'hood so much.

For most of this year I have had about 3 square feet of space to stand in my room, around the bed and the closet and the trunk I keep my clothes in; and my bookshelves and files and laundry hamper. And since I have so little time left to do laundry and stay up to date with my filing and personal business, I also have stacks of half-clean clothes and paper items and unsent packages shoved under the bed and perched precariously on top of each other in Babel towers crammed between the walls and the bare necessities.

And now it's hot as balls outside and stuffy inside, and I have one little window with a window fan in it and I am getting frustrated at the Cirque du Soleil routines I have to perform to move stuff in and out of the room and to get from the door to the closet. I thought it would be fine, but the cushions I budgeted in other realms to make up for my lack of space have now burned up, and they don't pick up the slack anymore.

Energy
Maybe this is what it all comes down to. Matter can be neither created nor destroyed, but energy is recycled. I have always been fascinated by energy -- how it turns from potential to kinetic energy and somehow continually shape-shifts into something else.

This is my biggest cushion: a positive attitude, which may not seem so positive to you, dear readers, but is really what keeps me going throughout the long, dark Januaries and Februaries and the super-stressful weeks that turn into working weekends. That's what keeps me going through the endless flow of sad and scary headlines and the money troubles and the time crunch: I have hope, and I believe that I am always coming up with a better solution. Also, I have an unbelievably supportive community of family, friends, coworkers, and random other people that pop in and out of my life like rainbows.

But there is the constant danger of getting burned out. Sometimes I start to feel dangerously tired, or irritable, or fuzzy in the head. I'm getting a lot better at recognizing these symptoms and taking an out if I need it; but when that means disappointing someone I love or asking for an unpaid day off it gets pretty hard. Next in line is pinning down how to budget my energy ahead of time so I can see it coming and avoid burnout before it happens.

I've got to figure out how to stop before I get to the $2-in-my-bank-account-and-three-days-'til-payday level. And by "$2," I mean whatever the exchange rate is for money, time, space, AND energy. I'm looking for balance. Culturally we are not very good at this, but I am determined to rise above and build some kind of a system that works. Before my life changes drastically again and I have to start all over.

Welcome to adulthood?

all good things reprise: episode 17

Another crazy week. This weekend's post is delayed for a number of reasons, mainly too much (good) stuff going on for both Cassie and I. I'll throw together a list now, though, since it's Monday Monday. And you can bet all our excuses will be on it!

1. Weddings! Cassie had a wedding to go to this weekend, which is super exciting.

2. Friends visiting! Also super exciting: my good friend Cat is visiting the East Coast from San Fransisco for a couple of weeks, and has come down here to visit me for a few days!

3. Milestone birthdays! J and his twin brother (weird, right?) turned 30 on Saturday! We threw them a big shindig and I think we can all agree that they were properly celebrated.

4. Trying anything once. We took the guys paintballing on Saturday, which most of us hadn't really done before. We have a lot of battle wounds, but had a great time.

5. Fake mustaches! On Saturday night we all went to a barcade where J bought a ton of stick-on mustaches from the quarter machines and passed them out. I kind of forgot that I had it on after awhile and couldn't figure out why no one could take me seriously.

6. Beautiful Creatures, new in RedBox this week. A captivating and mildly creepy movie with some profound statements about love, magic, beauty, and the good-and-bad-ness of life in general.

7. The beach! Cat and J and I took a day trip to Rehoboth Beach, left super early and spent the day on the beach. I always find sand and sea water and sunshine super therapeutic and healing. Remember how I've been calling for a healer?

8. Happy hour! This makes the list a lot, but this week we went to a new place: Brio at the mall. They have $5 drinks and small plates of food for $3.95!! And outdoor seating!

9. Man of Steel! Saw it on Wednesday and it was AWESOME! I won't say any more, but seriously, see it. Also Superman is way hot in this.

10. Local beer and local beer-related activities! We went to the Dogfish Head restaurant at the beach for lunch and it was a lonnnggg walk from the Boardwalk, but the food and beer was delicious. J's spare rib sloppy joe won food-wise; all three of our beers were phenomenal. Midas Touch, Bratty Swagger, and Tweason'ale. Check 'em out!

Good things in store this week for you? I hope so! Live it up, enjoy what you can, and make the most of whatever else you are dealt.

<3

keep calm and dot dot dot

A couple of weeks go I read a blog post comparing blogs to different kinds of beer. At the time, I thought that baby steps was a stout; now, though, re-reading the post, I think it might actually be more of an IPA: Ales have flavor. Sometimes they’re so hoppy they make your face pucker. You feel them as much as you taste them. These are blogs that make you feel something, too. They have an opinion. They’re not shy. They have passion and a natural voice. They know who they are, and they take a stand. Sometimes they’re negative. Sometimes they’re personal. I think I'm OK with that description, even though the classification is a bit ironic seeing as I am not IPAs' biggest fan. My posts are always personal. I'm tackling the Heavy Seas on a regular basis -- imagine living in my head all the time!

I think the post might have missed some categories, though. Like my classmate Caroline's blog, which I would call light but by no means insubstantial. This blog is easy to "drink," but it still has its own distinct flavor. Every once in awhile you get a hit of something heavier, like homesickness or current events or spirituality, but it highlights the beautiful things in life. We all need a little of that.

This is why I publish All Good Things on Sunday nights now. I admit the weeks get a little heavy sometimes. This week, I've had stress nightmares and anxiety taking up residence in the pit of my stomach. Makes me extra glad I started BodyCombat -- I obviously can't tell you enough how it sends anxiety packing.

I'm also really excited that summer is kicking off hard lately. Two weekends ago, my parents took J and I up to New York to see Rock of Ages on Broadway. We unfortunately couldn't get tickets together, so we saw Mamma Mia! instead. Which did not disappoint.

Plus, Rock of Ages was coming to Philly the next weekend, so I decided that in this case I could have my cake and eat it too. Please note, this is generally the biggest problem in my life right now: trying to take advantage of too many things.

In this case, though, I couldn't have made a better decision. One of my coworkers lives in West Philly, and we were both trying to find someone to go with us to the show on Saturday, without success. So, unashamedly, we became backup friends for Rock of Ages at the Kimmel Center in Philadelphia, rushed tickets and ended up with front row seats for only $22, and had the time of our lives.

There are a lot of parts of this story that are important: being open and spontaneous, going with the flow, doing something simply because I so badly want it. Even the theme of Rock of Ages is follow your dreams.

Maybe this is what has for so long been compelling to me about the eighties and rock music and dancing. It is antiestablishment, personal, true and a little wild. It is about dreaming and going your own way. (Thanks, Fleetwood Mac!)

And it's just plain old fun.

J and his brother donated an old PS3 guitar to my brother's secondhand Rock Band last weekend. So on Monday, at the weekly dinner, my sister and I got decked out in badass hot pink purple sparkly makeup and rocked out.

I used to dress up all the time. I used to play a lot more. I guess I'm growing up, but there are some things I hope I never forget. I hope there is always something I want so badly it doesnt make sense. I hope I go out of my way for them. I hope I still try new things even if it's not comfortable. I hope I never lose the ability to get lost in dreams and music and dancing (and Shake Shack) for a few hours, and that the real world continues to accommodate magic when I return to it.

P.S. Yesterday, another coworker invited everyone to join him at happy hour at the mall, and in line with this whole post, I thought, sure! I'll finish my post by phone, later.

And here I am, 24 hours and change later, writing something I didn't know I was going to say, but probably really needed to.

all good things reprise: episode 16

Happy Father's Day! Spoiler alert: dads will make the list! But these guys are accompanied this week by a series of other really great things, so hit play and read on...



1. <i>Rock of Ages.</i> I drove up to Philly this weekend to meet up with one of my coworkers for the show. We rushed tickets <i>$22</i> at the Kimmel Center, first row! And the show itself was mind-blowingly, face-meltingly excellent. Everyone around us agreed it was the most fun we've ever had at a show.

2. Philadelphia in general was a great time. Sara tweeted that she was going to convince me to move up there... And I gotta say, I don't hate it!

3. Meanwhile, back in Wilmington, in my neighborhood, in fact, St. Anthony's annual Italian Festival has been in full swing all week (except for the two days it was called off because of extreme weather). The festival features carnival rides and games, Italian food, carnival food (deep fried Oreos, anyone?!), pizza, beer, music, alcoholic water ice, gelato... So many good things all in one place!

4. Speaking of extreme weather, we worked from home Thursday in anticipation of hail and lightning strikes, etc... Which is always weird (particularly since I don't have internet at my house, and my job is social media) but in this case turned out to be a very good thing as our server got obliterated at the office and was out nearly 24 hours! Plus, I got <i>so much work</i> done...

5. Minor league baseball. We got some free tickets from work to go to the Wilmington Blue Rocks game on Friday night. This is great because beer and corndogs cost approximately half as much, on average, as they do at the big league games I've been to. And, after the game, there are fireworks!

6. <i>Cloud Atlas.</i> This movie was not so excellently rated, but J and I RedBoxed it last night and actually really enjoyed it! For a three hour movie, I was actually quite enthralled throughout... That is, after we turned on subtitles. (They tried to use a lot of different dialects and accents, some of which are fabricated, and it was really hard to follow.) I like the theme, though.

7. Alarm songs that make you smile when they go off in the morning. I for one need all the help I can get getting out of bed in the morning!

8. Family. Some of my dad's cousins swung through town on Friday, and came up to where I work to take my lunch break with me! I also got to spend some time with my sister this afternoon; she helped me wash my car and we talked. Also, my grandma sent me a note about healing, in reference to my last post... And J's family is also pretty great. It's always a good time when we spend our afternoons over there :)

9. ...But ESPECIALLY fathers, and grandfathers, and godfathers, and all the other men in our lives! My dad is great and I am lucky to have him. It's nice being around now, too. I'm also lucky to have a lot of other great dads in my life: two living grandfathers, J's dad, his brother-in-law who is celebrating his first ever Father's Day! And more than a few of my friends' dads scattered all over the country and the world. Thanks, guys!

<i>Cassie is taking a break from All Good Things this week because she is spending time with her dad. Totally acceptable!</i>

10. Sunsets like this one can really bring closure to the day.

"i need a healer"

St. Olaf has this tradition, as part of senior week and commencement activities, of hearing one "Last Lecture" from a professor chosen by a vote of the senior class. Traditionally, the senior class usually chooses renowned philosophy professor Charles Taliaferro; but to my great delight, the class of 2013 voted to hear their Last Lecture from Anthropology Professor Thomas Williamson. His lecture was titled, The Anthropologist's Guide to Unhealthy Living. You can stream it here; it's long, but worth it.

I took a medical anthropology class with Tom in the spring semester of my junior year. In it, we discussed how different societies conceptualize "health." In our mainstream U.S. culture, we tend to view "health" as the absence of illness. In the negative.

My medical missionary grandfather said to me once that many members of the tribal Amazon basin cultures have not known what it feels like to "feel good" most of the time. Their state of normalcy is illness: digestive issues; malnutrition; river blindness.

But, the older I get, the more I wonder if we, as a culture, know what it feels like to feel good most of the time. I would argue that our state of normalcy is worry, stress, depression, anxiety, terror; digestive issues; hangovers; hypochondria; migraines; general pain.

I have been noticing lately the occupational hazards of sitting at a desk for 7.5 hours a day, 5 days a week. I feel regular stiffness in my hips and knees, and pain when I run; perpetual tension in my back and shoulders, which in severe cases turns into piercing headaches, which tear up my stomach too; constant pain in my right hand, my mouse hand, my pen hand. This isn't the first time, either; last time I went to the doctor about hand pain they sent me to a hand surgeon who gave me a shot to create scar tissue in my tendon, after a shot of novocaine that left my entire hand numb for at least 12 hours. And then they charged me $270.

This isn't what I'm looking for. I don't want to get rid of my ailments; I want to be healthy. I want my doctor to tell me what I can change about my life to prevent this pain in the first place.

On Monday I had an SOS lunch break phone date with a faraway friend, to work through some general anxiety. She said, "I need a healer in my life." She said where she lives everyone has a bodyworker. And she's tried it, but that's not the kind of healer she needs. She said, one-on-one yoga practice didn't do the trick; nor did counseling. I would never even suggest to her that she goes to a "real doctor," because what would he or she do? Prescribe some drugs to glaze over the problem.

Not gonna cut it.

I've been on a quest lately to balance my life, to clear out more empty space so I have time for self-care and time for flexibility. I've been working on eating foods that make me feel good, foods that boost my energy and alertness and don't give me stomach trouble. (The list of foods that give me stomach trouble gets longer every year, which is a little frightening. And I know I'm not the only one with food allergies and intolerances springing up on me out of nowhere.) I've been trying to sleep more, which actually helps a lot. I've been learning how to say no, which is hard because there are legitimately a lot of things I want to do every single day.

Call me a hippie, but I truly believe that most ailments are psychosomatic or somatopsychic. That is, most sicknesses and most of the pain we feel is actually a symptom of a larger, deeper problem or imbalance. In fact, I will boil it down even more and say that a huge percentage of our general ailments are stress-induced. (Actually, it turns out that stress in our grandparents' childhoods may actually impact the ailments we experience now. Wild.)

This is hard to get away from, since the bulk of what we deal with on a day-to-day basis, particularly as young adults and recent grads, is

• Healthcare: Do I have any or not? Does it cover birth control?
• Money: Do I have any or not? Is it enough to pay my rent AND my student loan payments?
• Terrorism and random shootings
• Global warming and the most aggressive storm season since the Ice Age
• The government spying on us (but, really, are we all that surprised?)
• Jobs: Am I on a "career" path? Does that even exist? ...do I even HAVE a job?? Given the statistics, maybe not.
• How long before Friday afternoon and happy hour? Because this is getting old.

So what would it mean to bring a "healer" into all this? What kind of healer would even be able to approach our ailments while avoiding either dialing a hotline of some kind or pulling out a pad and sending me straight to the pharmacy?

I am doing a lot to build and keep a healthy lifestyle. But what I kept saying to my friend on Monday is that she shouldn't try to tackle all her struggles alone. There is something different and comforting and important about being healed, about the process and the social aspect of it. It is active, healing and being healed; it is interactive.

So what do we need? I couldn't tell you. I wouldn't know what to call the person that could tackle this one. People trek to all the most isolated pockets of the world to find healers; they try all kinds of shamans and rituals and superstitions, and they write books about their quests.

Any ideas? Recommendations? For my friend and for me -- a healer to bring us closer to good living.

society is crumbling

Last week one of my coworkers found a video on Fox News entitled "All-Male Fox Panel Laments Female Breadwinners." Somewhat shocked and horrified, we took it as our comedy for the day... But the clip stuck with me.

Let me summarize it for you, although the title is pretty self-explanatory:
The clip consists of four guys in suits talking about a new study stating that in 4 out of 10 families a woman is the primary breadwinner. Of course they find this "concerning and troubling," and spend about four minutes discussing the crumbling, the dissolution, the disintegration of American society and why it can be directly attributed to women being the primary breadwinner in less than half of American families.

"It's having an impact on our children," they say. "We as people in a smart society have lost the ability to have complementary relationships, and it's tearing our society apart."

"We're losing a generation. Bottom line, it could undermine our social order."

It's easy to dismiss everything they are saying as sexist and ignorant. Because it is. But there is something in this conversation that needs to be addressed.

I work for a registered minority- and female-owned company. This always casts political and social issues under a really interesting microscope. Especially political and social issues that deal with women or people of color.

When we sent the clip out to everyone in the office, the female partner said, "You know, it's unrealistic to think that we can balance having a fulfilling career, taking care of our kids, maintaining a successful marriage, keeping a clean house... I don't envy you young ladies. I don't envy your generation. You have some incredibly difficult choices to make."

The clip stuck with me, and that comment stuck with me. It's not as though this is something new to me. My female friends and I have been battling the question for most of our conscientious lives, and particularly since we graduated college: What sacrifices do I want to make to have my dream life? What sacrifices should I make to have my dream life?

Do we sacrifice our dreams or our callings for love? Or do we sacrifice love for our calling? Do I move to a new and faraway place, where I know no one, because my significant other got a good job there? Do I move to a new and faraway place, where I know no one, and leave my significant other behind because I got accepted to my dream grad school, or because I got offered my dream job?

The social environment in which I grew up taught me that I should not sacrifice my personal -- read, "professional" -- dreams for a romantic relationship. Because I will inevitably become resentful and that will take a toll on the romantic relationship I gave up everything for.

But I grew up in a family that prioritized the collective, the community, the relationships within a community, above all. Plus, that greater social environment planted this seed in my head that I can have it all. This is one of the main complaints of my peers: that we were led to believe something untrue, namely, that we can do anything; and it is one of the main complaints of older generations against our generation: that millennials have this sense of entitlement, this belief that we deserve to have everything we want. We want to have our cake and eat it too, and it turns out, suddenly, that we can't.

Damn.

So I, and a lot of other people in my peer group, feel a little confused.

there are 168 hours in a week. i need at least 250.

Many of our mothers, now that we're out of the house and figuring out our own lives, are having an opposite realization. My mom has said on multiple occasions that she made the conscious decision to do things she wasn't wild about sometimes because she would be with the people she loved. As a mother and wife she would have given up almost anything for us, and on many occasions she did.

I think that choosing a family or a relationship as #1 is a decision that is unfairly vilified for women in modern, forward-thinking society. But there is real emotional and psychological fallout for those women who do make that choice, and put love in the top spot in their lives.

And there is real emotional and psychological and social fallout for those women who make the choice to put their careers in the top spot. There is and always will be fallout, no matter what we decide to put first. Something will always fall behind.

Those Fox News guys were right when they said the rise of female breadwinners is "having an impact on our children." They were right when they said it's undermining our social order. They were right, honestly, when they said that we as "people in a smart society have lost the ability to have complementary relationships."

But it is ignorant, cowardly, to conclude that this means we should go back to "the way things were." It's ignorant, too, to say that the rise in female breadwinners caused all of this chaos. I would call it more of a symptom of an outdated model that was also flawed and that isn't really working anymore in the world as it is turning out to be.

We do need to learn how to have truly complementary relationships, where all involved parties are on equal ground. We need to figure out some way to raise our children to be functional human beings who can have functional relationships, while also making sure they don't go hungry and that they are comfortable with diversity and the change that is an inevitable part of our future.

We need a new model. I don't know what it is, and I dread the day I have to make an actual decision about my family, my relationships, my career, my lifestyle. I'm barely sustaining sanity as it is, between work, my love life, my friendships, my family, my workout schedule, and having time to eat. I know if something happened to make two of those things suddenly really conflict, it would be the hardest decision I have ever had to make. It already has been, on a smaller scale. And when my friends ask me what to do in x. y, or z situation, I have no idea what to say.

And this, I think, is the real reason "society is crumbling." The global population is getting bigger while the earth stays the same size. The amount of valuable resources really doesn't change, either -- money, time, energy. We're running out of options. The pressure on families is that much higher. The pressure on individuals is that much higher. We have to do a lot more to be seen, and our odds feel like they're always going down.

As a society we need to be creative and resilient and trash the conceptual limitations we have had for a long time. It's time for a change. Get on board, suits. You're going to get left behind. I hope.

All Good Things Reprise: Episode 15

Have you spent any time in the fresh air today? It could just be the cure-all you desperately need. Or just some general feel good vitamin D. Give yourself a break, sit back, and enjoy the good things life has to offer this week.


1. The 100 Worst Songs Ever playlist on Songza. On Monday morning one of my officemates discovered this playlist and it got us through the morning. Almost every new song elicited a resounding collective "YES!" from both of us (except for the few truly terrible tunes we didn't recognize).

2. The Wilmington Greek Festival. Best spanakopita, dolmades (stuffed grape leaves -- but I learned how to say it the Greek way), baklava! My favorite dessert ever. Gyros, of course, and ouzo, which I have never tasted before but I really quite like that anise flavor.

3. Brave by Sara Bareilles. It's in the playlist this week, but really it deserves its own number because the song has been boosting me every couple of days lately, whenever I need it, and the video gives me happy-chills.

4. On Friday night my parents took J. and I to a Broadway show for my birthday -- a belated birthday gift, because my birthday is in November. I am definitely not complaining that we got to celebrate my birthday twice in one year... We meant to see Rock of Ages but there weren't any good seats left, so we saw Mamma Mia! instead which we also really enjoyed, especially since I haven't even seen the movie before! Also because I love ABBA. We had some delicious Asian fusion food right before the show, right next door to the theater, and some New York cheesecake for dessert afterward. It was raining so hard on Friday we were all soaked the whole time. Times Square was pretty wild with thousands of umbrellas competing for overhead airspace...

5. Girls night out! Last night my roomies and I went out in Trolley Square, which is sort of the 20-somethings' official going out place in northern Delaware. The three of us are usually so busy that we never have time to actually talk and touch base... So we have to schedule it weeks in advance. And when we do finally get together, it's always so good and refreshing.

6. Summer hours! My job allows us to work more hours on Monday-Thursdays and then have a half day on Friday. It's the best thing ever. It feels like I have a long weekend every weekend! The weekdays can feel long, but it's worth it.

7. Honey Kix. Luke and I picked up a box to try it this week. We finished them in like 2 days because they're so flipping good! You should try them. For real.

8. Letting someone play with/do your hair. I don't know what it is, but when someone plays with my hair or styles it in some way I get so relaxed. I had a practice appointment to try out some wedding hairstyles, and I almost fell asleep!

9. The movie Moonrise Kingdom. I saw it in the theater, own a copy of it, and watch it every time it plays on HBO. It's a movie about two 12-year-olds who fall in love. It's so innocent and lovely that I can't help but smile.

10. Making breakfast for someone. I normally wake up earlier than Luke, and I love surprising him with some type of breakfast (eggs, pancakes, etc). I feel like it's a nice way to show my appreciation for all the great things he does for me.


Until next week, dear readers! Be kind to each other! (The really lpvely closing line from The Ellen Show.)