I'm going to try and make this quick, because I'm heading out to hang out with some local friends.
The distinction is only important because of the topic of this post. And I can't believe it's taken me so long to write about this.
I think I have mentioned before that I could not have predicted my post-grad long-distance social network, and the varying degrees of keeping-in-touch. Some people I talk to most now I never, or rarely, talked to while we were at school together. Some of the people I have the most important conversations with, too.
Granted, these conversations tend to happen on Facebook chat, but that doesn't make the subject matter less important.
That being said, I would like to reiterate Kyle's (incredibly salient) point that a 10-word text message can be enough to maintain a relationship with a good friend you haven't seen or talked to in awhile. This can make all the difference in the world. I was inexplicably happy to get a text from J the other day that read, "I'm finding that people really like it when you reach out to them via text." And a minute later: "You taught me that."
One of my favorite ways to stay in touch regularly is with my famed #LunchBreakPhoneDates. I have 30 minutes for lunch most days, which is by no means long enough for a satisfying long-distance conversation, but I am the queen of working healthy activities into my daily or weekly routine. If we keep waiting until we have enough time to have a satisfying conversation, we will never have any conversation, and eventually we'll just stop trying. There is no way I will let that happen.
Now, the 30-minute time limit also means we can't waste time worrying about what to talk about. I don't care to talk about "what's new in my life" because it's just another day to me. But, as you may have noticed, I ALWAYS have something on my mind. So what do I talk about on a typical #LunchBreakPhoneDate? Here is a brief sampling and synopsis of topics.
I know I don't have to tell you this, but every conversation and every relationship is different. Some relationships need more careful curation than others, more time and energy and demonstration. I thought of this yesterday when I was (as usual) chillin' on Facebook and someone I haven't touched base with in awhile popped up in my top 6 friends. I am not a habitual Facebook stalker, but I read my news feed, and every once in awhile I give someone's timeline a skim just to make sure they're apparently alive and happy. And usually I'll drop a line. In this case, the line I thought to drop was a simple "<3". But right before I hit "Post," I remembered what a mutual friend said about her once: "You really have to reach out to her, because she likes to do things, but she doesn't like to call. She feels like she's imposing."
And so I sat there debating whether I should feel guilty for not writing something more substantial, until the most obvious epiphany hit me like a water balloon: That's how Mutual Friend is friends with Her. My friendship with Her is not that way. My friendship with Her is incredibly comfortable with a <3 from time to time, and in fact, is more comfortable with that than with obligatory extensions and "catching up."
That may have been a little obscure, but the thesis of my story is that each friendship, and even each individual friendship within trios and groups, is different. Some of my best friends (as much as I cringe to use that word, there isn't really any use denying it) are people I don't feel the need to have big catching-up conversations with every day. Because our friendships depend on the fact that we each lead our own separate and active life, and that's something we like and respect about each other. It makes the time we do spend together that much richer and more worthwhile.
Now, speaking of spending time together, I'm off to curate my present relationships: it's ladies' night! (By the way, if you were wondering, my love language is Quality Time. You don't have to act surprised.)
Thanks for tuning in, as always! Each of your comments continues and enriches my conversations with you, and that's why I keep writing. So keep writing back :)
The distinction is only important because of the topic of this post. And I can't believe it's taken me so long to write about this.
I think I have mentioned before that I could not have predicted my post-grad long-distance social network, and the varying degrees of keeping-in-touch. Some people I talk to most now I never, or rarely, talked to while we were at school together. Some of the people I have the most important conversations with, too.
Granted, these conversations tend to happen on Facebook chat, but that doesn't make the subject matter less important.
That being said, I would like to reiterate Kyle's (incredibly salient) point that a 10-word text message can be enough to maintain a relationship with a good friend you haven't seen or talked to in awhile. This can make all the difference in the world. I was inexplicably happy to get a text from J the other day that read, "I'm finding that people really like it when you reach out to them via text." And a minute later: "You taught me that."
One of my favorite ways to stay in touch regularly is with my famed #LunchBreakPhoneDates. I have 30 minutes for lunch most days, which is by no means long enough for a satisfying long-distance conversation, but I am the queen of working healthy activities into my daily or weekly routine. If we keep waiting until we have enough time to have a satisfying conversation, we will never have any conversation, and eventually we'll just stop trying. There is no way I will let that happen.
Now, the 30-minute time limit also means we can't waste time worrying about what to talk about. I don't care to talk about "what's new in my life" because it's just another day to me. But, as you may have noticed, I ALWAYS have something on my mind. So what do I talk about on a typical #LunchBreakPhoneDate? Here is a brief sampling and synopsis of topics.
- Hair care and no 'poo. Yes, this is some hippie shit. But you all know I love it. Also, I have a lot of hair, so there's a lot to talk about. This particular #LunchBreakPhoneDate also has quite a lot of hair, so between the two of us, we're set for AT LEAST 30 minutes. If not 30 hours, or 30 days. Or 30 years. I'm sure we'll still be talking about hair when we're 50.
- Objectification, to-be-or-not-to-be a feminist, and Take Back the Night/sexual assault. This, of course, is part of an ongoing conversation, which I have been meaning to write about, but it's an armful to take on. I'm not sure yet what approach I want to take. But here's a teaser: I promise to consider the complexity of these issues, every time I consider them. Which, as a woman, is pretty much every day.
- Relationships, theoretical and otherwise. Yeah, pretty much every conversation I have has something to do with relationship theory, but since most of my friends are negotiating the minefield of post-college relationships, our specific experiences come up a LOT. Also the weird number of our peers who are suddenly engaged, married, or popping out babies.
- Work. Sometimes this topic has a "what-do-I-want-to-do-with-my-life" kind of spin on it, but in my case, I like my job and I'm happy here at least for now. And most of my friends are at least somewhat satisfied with their current status. So we also talk about how much money we make, and where we see ourselves going, and what we're passionate about that we'd like to push more into our work now or in the future. (Work. Is this what adult life is all about?! It often seems that way.)
Obviously this is not a comprehensive list, but none of you care about my day-to-day conversations anyway, unless you're having them with me. Or you only care about them to the extent that they often inspire me to write about some topic or another right here on the blog.
I know I don't have to tell you this, but every conversation and every relationship is different. Some relationships need more careful curation than others, more time and energy and demonstration. I thought of this yesterday when I was (as usual) chillin' on Facebook and someone I haven't touched base with in awhile popped up in my top 6 friends. I am not a habitual Facebook stalker, but I read my news feed, and every once in awhile I give someone's timeline a skim just to make sure they're apparently alive and happy. And usually I'll drop a line. In this case, the line I thought to drop was a simple "<3". But right before I hit "Post," I remembered what a mutual friend said about her once: "You really have to reach out to her, because she likes to do things, but she doesn't like to call. She feels like she's imposing."
And so I sat there debating whether I should feel guilty for not writing something more substantial, until the most obvious epiphany hit me like a water balloon: That's how Mutual Friend is friends with Her. My friendship with Her is not that way. My friendship with Her is incredibly comfortable with a <3 from time to time, and in fact, is more comfortable with that than with obligatory extensions and "catching up."
That may have been a little obscure, but the thesis of my story is that each friendship, and even each individual friendship within trios and groups, is different. Some of my best friends (as much as I cringe to use that word, there isn't really any use denying it) are people I don't feel the need to have big catching-up conversations with every day. Because our friendships depend on the fact that we each lead our own separate and active life, and that's something we like and respect about each other. It makes the time we do spend together that much richer and more worthwhile.
Now, speaking of spending time together, I'm off to curate my present relationships: it's ladies' night! (By the way, if you were wondering, my love language is Quality Time. You don't have to act surprised.)
Thanks for tuning in, as always! Each of your comments continues and enriches my conversations with you, and that's why I keep writing. So keep writing back :)
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