when things go up in flames...

Today my sister graduated high school.

Congrats, Maria & Brandon!

I have enjoyed recently being the Enforcer of Rites of Passage. There is something compelling to me about the cliches of prom, graduation, and all the photos and speeches. I made sure Maria took the obligatory Awkward Prom Photo, and I took notes on the speeches at her graduation ceremony.

The principal found a fan in me with his message: "Find your own definitions of success." I appreciated the recognition that different people need different things out of life, and that there are many respectable ways to live well. Mr. Murphy offered 3 definitions of successful people:

1. Those who dedicate their lives in service to others
2. Those who find their call, do what they love, spend their lives doing good work and doing it happily
3. Those who get up every single day, no matter how tired or out of sorts they feel, to go to work and support their family, to care for the people they love.

I know that many of my fellow St. Olaf graduates feel pressure to fulfill a certain definition of success; scathingly, "getting a high profile job, making enough money to give generously to the College, and changing the world."

I also read a commencement speech referencing a quote that really stopped me short:

“One of my favorite quotes is this: ‘For every 10 people who can handle adversity, there is only one who can handle success.’” – - Dom Capers, Green Bay defensive coordinator, University of Mount Union (Ohio)

Only 1 in 10 people who become successful can handle it. What a strange and frightening concept, when much of the world spends lifetimes working to achieve this Pinnacle of Societal Acceptance. Working to Win.

Dom Capers explained that once a person reaches his or her ultimate goal, ultimate success, that person has to spend the rest of their life defending that position, protecting themselves against those who would try to take it away, trying to avoid the pitfalls that accompany wealth and the anomie of no longer having something to work toward.

But to me, success is a process, a state of being. It requires maintenance and awareness and alertness, and it changes just like everything else. The danger is thinking you've made it, letting your guard down, failing to continue doing good work. Live well, do good work, be successful.

The district superintendent's core message was this: "The most important thing you will have in your life is your name." He continued, "What people think of you will define the course of your life."

It is important to consider how our actions will affect our social standing, and thus our access to social resources and opportunities. I agree with him: "The most important thing you will have in your life is your name." But more important than what people think of you is what you think of yourself. Your name is important because it reminds you who you are.


And that is what will define the course of your life.

The salutatorian is going into the military and his speech was little more than a review of the past four years at John Dickinson High School. The student speakers in general appealed to the sense of class-ness on the floor, over the past four years. They told in-jokes that would naturally go over my head, a head which had never even passed the threshold into the school building.

We heard the typical messages: Thanks to my friends and my teachers; Learn from your mistakes and move on; Your failures are as important, or more important, to your success. And a beautiful speech from a student who transferred from a dangerous situation in southern California two years ago.

But the valedictorian repeated wholesome, inspiring messages from some of their teachers. And then she said, "But the most important thing I learned was that when Mr. Peck sets a table on fire in chemistry, you grab your best friend and run."

Perhaps the most poignant tribute to friendship I have ever heard: You grab your best friend and run.


I will leave you with that, and with best wishes to the Class of 2012: May you define success and achieve it, every day of your lives. May you discover beautiful things. When things go up in flames, grab your best friend, and run.

Always forward.