I'm on vacation! Out of the office until Wednesday, and the restaurant too. I'm definitely looking forward to having some time off, but I'm also mildly terrified about having nothing on my schedule, no obligations or anything.
...Besides carrying the star into the crèche on Christmas morning. I have graduated from my days of playing Mary, Mother of Jesus, and my days of co-writing and co-directing overambitious nativity villages and talk shows. I am moving into a new role.
Speaking of changing roles, my latest realization is how utterly awful I am at transitions. The other day I walked into Bishop's after work and I must have been acting weird because the guys said, "Hey, are you OK? You seem... distraught."
First of all, how pumped am I that that's the word they came up with! Secondly, after they called me out, a lot of my tension evaporated, and I smiled and realized that I am often distraught when I walk in there. I'm easily distraught from one side of a new situation to the other, and it takes me so long to adapt. Which is a strange thing to realize (over and over again over the last few years) when "adaptable" used to be a pretty accurate descriptor of me as a kid. Of course, back then I had to be.
And I guess, if we're being realistic, I still do, because life is basically a series of changes. I wouldn't want to become prematurely stuck in my ways at the age of 22. I hope to at least be 80 before that happens.
I can't knock on my need for routines, though, and on a more fundamental level, some sort of stability. Thus my uncharacteristically vehement response yesterday morning to certain suggestions about my future...
When I came upstairs in the morning, Grampi was already up and bumbling around. Now, first off, you need to understand that the communication centers of my brain don't fire up until I've been bumbling around for at least 20 minutes. Also, I'm definitely not interested in small talk over breakfast. Breakfast with other people is a time for communal basking, or important discussions. And when I say important, I mean touchy-feely important. Like relationship-talk.
Anyway, he asked what I studied in college (even though he totally knows, and brings it up himself from time to time) and then asked if I'm planning on going to grad school in the near future (the answer is no, because I'm sick of school, I don't know what I would study if I went back right now, and I love working). My early morning mumbling problem also makes conversation difficult, especially with someone who doesn't understand me very well on a regular basis. So I mumbled that question away, and then he said, "You know, anthropology has been one of the great passions of my life" (an odd contradiction to the anti-anthropology creationist sermon he preached to me on a flight to India 4 years ago). "Have you ever considered mission work?"
I think I actually snorted, and responded shortly in a definite non-mumble, "No." Not that don't revere the incredible work of my grandparents (all four of them) and appreciate the experiences I was able to have as a result... I just feel quite certain that the type of mission work he's talking about is not my life's calling.
"You have some skills, though, that could really serve you well as a missionary!"
For some reason it took me twice as long to eat breakfast and get ready for work.
Every semester, every vacation, every project and job I've been amazed at how long it takes me to settle into a new routine, a new way of thinking and of doing things. I feel like it used to be a lot easier, and I'm wondering now if I'm subconsciously resisting change as a defense mechanism, to protect my seemingly fragile core and foundation. Things--my future, my control--feel uncertain. This is disconcerting. It makes me act irrationally and defensively, to protect the delicate balance I have worked out to move forward. Ironically, when I am existentially so unbending, it makes me more vulnerable to the threatening aspects of change, and I bounce back less readily. A la bridge pose mantra, "I am vulnerable. I am strong. I can be vulnerable because I am strong."
As far as getting comfortable goes, I'm just now starting to settle into my jobs and my routine, after how long? I'm starting to feel actually comfortable with the people I work with, to feel some rapport. On Wednesday I brought a fruitcake to work to share, and--it's not too early to share this here--my top New Year's resolution is to express my appreciation more openly, to say thanks more often. So I wrote this in an accompanying note, and it's always strange to me when people are surprised to hear that I like them, or to hear anything that I think, in fact. It's just so transparent to me!
Speaking of saying thank you, Coffeeshopcrush finished (and loved--no surprise) The Princess Bride... And he introduced himself, and now that I know his name, the saga is over. As promised.
Happy Christmas weekend, Merry Christmas Adam, because Adam came before Eve (via @jensentweets on Twitter)! More to come this weekend, I'm sure.
Until then, I'll get a headstart on 2012 and say thanks for reading!
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