uncertainty

This week was our second-to-last ceramics class of the session. My sibs and I have quite a lot of clay left, a few unfired pieces, and hardly anything glazed (with the exception of Asha, of course, who already has a handful of beautiful, interesting items). We started to feel the pressure.

I spent most of the class bopping around from table to wheel to the waxing and glazing area, bopping past Maria who was doing mostly the same thing. When we found ourselves in the same place there was a lot of "I don't really know what I'm doing..." and "uhh..." and "I feel like I should have this more under wraps."

And then, of course, suddenly -- it was the last half-hour of the second-to-last class and I had barely done anything. I had allowed myself to become paralyzed by uncertainty, and missed out on some potentially valuable time. I'm also pretty certain something awful will happen to my last-minute haphazardly glazed test tiles and experimental pieces. But no sense in worrying about them now.

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This isn't a phenomenon that's isolated to ceramics. I do the same thing at work, when I have an unfamiliar task in front of me; the same thing at a networking event when I don't know who to talk to or what to say; the same thing at dinnertime, when I am making a new recipe and feel myself starting to get hungry; the same thing in relationships when I start to reach a turning point or uncharted territory; the same thing now that I'm planning a wedding and have no idea how to talk to a band or an equipment rental company or a caterer.

And yet I consider myself a fearless adventurer. I have done incredible and incredibly stupid things, whether because I couldn't pass it up or to prove a point or just to say I've done it. I have accomplished so many things I'm proud of and crossed into uncharted relationship territory over and over again and whipped up some deliciously interesting dishes and cocktails. How do I get from Point A to Point B? How can I justify my Fearless Adventurer status while being regularly paralyzed by uncertainty and fear?

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I suppose there's always the whole "Courage isn't the absence of fear" thing. And there's Chris, a Guiding Angel, who used to do things in spite of his fear. I can find my motivation for every situation, prove to myself and whoever else that I can do it, and I will. And there's just procrastinating until I can't put it off any more.

Fear is a built-in self-defense mechanism, so as long as we are alive we can't really get away from it. We gradually get comfortable with things that used to be unfamiliar, the things that used to scare us. And then a new unfamiliar thing swoops in to take its place. Every next day and next moment is bursting with uncertainty, but every next day and next moment is going to come no matter what we do and we will do with it what we do. For me, I have to allow myself those moments of hesitation, because for every hesitant moment I have another moment where I sally forth into the mental fog. There is no sense in kicking myself for wasting time because I didn't know what to do. All I can do is shrug it off and put another finger down in the next game of "Never-Have-I-Ever."

Maybe someday my kids, or at least my nieces and nephews and mentees, will look at me and marvel that I always seem to know what I am doing; that I'm not afraid of anything (I'm even working on not freaking out in the presence of bees!)

Fooled ya.

reaction.

So my house got robbed today.  Fortunately no one was there at the time; I won't tell you what my thoughts first jumped to when I saw the police cars parked outside my house, after getting a text message from my dad saying, "Hey you ok?"  I can't even process how grateful I am for that.  Things could have been so much worse.

They took a bunch of electronics and jewelry, mostly things that would turn over quickly, so I'm less worried about identity theft or a stalker situation...  But still.  They say the hardest part of being a victim of theft is the lost sense of personal security.  I didn't even recognize that's what I was feeling until I pulled into the parking lot of the library here.

Yeah, so that's where I am, the library -- seeing as my laptop has been stolen.  My second thought, after running over horrible scenarios in my head, was, "Thank god my flash drive is still in the Midwest."  Which I have been cursing myself about for 3 weeks.  So at least I still have my writing.  But there are a lot of photos and music and other intellectual property, stored up over years and years, that is now gone.  Even if I got my (outdated and not-in-excellent-condition) electronics back, everything of value on them would be gone, most likely.  Not that it wasn't on the verge of crashing anyway.

But I am so thankful that my sisters and I were out of the house; even that my brother is in Boston and my parents were also both working.  Maria said to me, "It makes me happy that, even when really horrible things happen, I can still pick out the good parts about it, without even trying.  That makes me feel good about myself."  This while she was ranting and crying, but still, she's right.  There could hardly be a more stable family for someone to rob than us, because we know what's important and we will pull through.  I'm even partially glad I no longer have a computer so I can't spend all my time at home on it.  Also, I love the library.

It's funny, because everytime I meet someone new they say, "Oh, welcome to Delaware!  ...Just so you know, we don't usually have an earthquake, several tornados, a hurricane, and a manhunt every week -- that's not normal."  I didn't really think anything of it, although now it does seem like a disproportionate amount of misfortune all in the space of three weeks...  Also, a neighbor's dog recently ran away to die and they were looking for it.  A tree fell on another neighbor's house.  Bad things happen.  But we process them (once we get over the initial shock) and we somehow get on with our lives.

Besides, there are great amounts of fortune as well.  For example, the fact that I am not agonizing over the fact that I now have one pair of earrings left to my name -- because it is a pair of hearts carved out of shells that Mikey brought back from Costa Rica for me senior year of high school.  Also, that on the way home from work today I was marveling at how gorgeous the drive is along route 41 and 62.  I almost tried to go that way this morning, but I got on a one-way going the wrong way so I chickened out and went the way I know.  Which turned out to be faster, but definitely not as green and winding.  Also less pothole-y, however.

Oh, speaking of good fortune, I got a job!  After all my agonizing over that...  It's a really cool one, too, with a PR firm that does healthy lifestyle campaigns.  They hired me for my social research background with a creative twist.  Could it be more perfect?!  I'm the "Social Media Associate," and I never imagined six months ago that I would be doing something so hip.  I also really like everyone in the office, and there is a gorgeous backyard for me to take my lunch breaks in, at least until the sun fades a bit.  I'm really incredibly excited.

Now I could have taken this U-turn from either end (which it seems I've been doing all day -- I got lost so many times on the road today!) but I chose purposely to end it on a hopeful note.  First, because I am my father's daughter, and hope (along with resilience, grace, etc) are his great buzzwords.  Second, because why would I leave my readers, and myself, with doom and gloom?  Not when I have so much to be thankful for, when those things are going to carry me forward.  It really is amazing, the way things happen in some kind of order, and the power we hold, always, to respond.