All Good Things Reprise: Episode 14

It's Sunday afternoon again! I don't know how it is where you are, but here in Wilmington it is HOT. Humid. Even the breeze is sticky.

If you ask me, these are perfect conditions for feel-good tunes and All Good Things! Enjoy the list this week, and stay cool!



1. A submission from a reader: Pens! But not any pen. Specifically, the Zebra F-301. This 99-cent gem is a staple in my small world: all my flight instructors had them and once we (the students) discovered them, we were hooked. I know my flying friends back East have them still and when we sign the checks for lunch at the diner, it is a little reminder that represents how far we've come as pilots.

Protip: check out the F-701 if you've got the cash, about $5, to spend on a super-elite writing utensil. Though you might like the new "Flight" models better. And they're not related to flying, as you'd think. I know too much about pens for a normal person.

2. The Baltimore Aquarium . My roommate's mom got a few free tickets through work, so my roomie brought me and two of her high school friends to spend a hot, hot day looking at fish in a dark, air conditioned building. Great way to spend a summer Saturday also because I am a huge nerd and I love learning new things about the world. Plus, water is so calming to me.

3. Speaking of water, I am obsessed with going to the pool at the Y. Unfortunately it is usually swarmed by people... Except before 10:00 in the morning, which makes swimming in the morning a great way to start a day!

4. Happy hour. I've finished off the past couple of weeks by hitting happy hour with coworkers and friends and I totally understand how it got the name. Drink specials are really great ($2 rail drinks and domestic beers at a place two minutes up the road from work, for example), but what really makes it happy is getting to talk and spend time with really great people.

5. Bachelorette parties! I had 2 yesterday: 1 for my cousin and 1 for a friend. My cousin's was crazy and loud while my friend's was quiet and low-key. It was great to simultaneously experience both. Now I know what I want for mine!

6. Date night! Luke and I went out for dinner on Friday. Sometimes he'll surprise me and randomly make reservations. We get semi-dressed up and it's so much fun! We went to Ciao Bella, and I love it more and more every time we eat there.

7. The Edina Art Fair was this weekend. It clogs up neighborhood traffic and annoys us, but the fair is so fun! Lots of fun pieces to look at and food to try.

8. Banana Chocolate Chip Kashi granola bars. I have one before I work out and it's the delicious boost of energy I need!

9. Minute-to-win-it games. We played some at my friend's bachelorette party and had the best time! It's funny how competitive people get over small things like keeping a feather in the air by blowing on it :)

10. Porch furniture. Date night this week for J. and I was burritos and mojitos on the porch, which was so relaxing. Since the weather warmed up, all my neighbors spend their evenings and weekends sitting on their porches, so I've gotten the chance to say hi to some of them and exchange pleasantries. It makes me feel part of the community.


If you read the blog often, or even just All Good Things every Sunday... Or if you used to listen to the radio version of this feature, you are probably not shocked to note the common thread of community and good people that makes this list pretty much every week. I wanted to point it out, though, because our good relationships and the good people in our lives should never be taken for granted. If the feature was only "One Good Thing," I think it's a pretty safe bet what that thing would be.

Don't forget to tell someone you love them this week! Until next Sunday... Stay "Classie," friends and readers :)

two years in review

my fam then -- at st. olaf

So. It's been two years to the day since my first post, which was about celebrating my emergence into a much wider, less defined world than the one I had previously known.

Just over one year ago, I got my wisdom teeth taken out. The doctor said my teeth were "unusual," and while I was too loopy at the time to ask what that meant, I vaguely remember someone explaining that the roots of my teeth were curved around that major nerve shooting up my jaw and into my skull. You know-- the one that makes your whole jaw go numb if they bump it during surgery.

So, last year at this time, I was sustaining myself on liquid food and ranting about the cost of healthcare. For a more general overview of my state of mind one year after graduating college, check out my guest post with Liz on St. Olaf's Sociology/Anthropology Department blog.

This year, I find myself feeling pretty differently about life in general, particularly from how I felt and thought about life two years ago, when I graduated college.

my fam now -- wearing st. olaf gear

Things in general are different. A bunch of my friends and classmates have recently graduated from masters' programs, which is wild; some of them are just starting the process of applying for further education, which from where I'm sitting feels like almost as big of a milestone. My friends are starting to have babies, too. It's becoming glaringly clear to me that we are moving into another stage of life, bit by bit. Some of us, myself included, are moving into the "2-5 years of experience" range that so many non-entry level jobs require. This feels like progress. 





remember this??

Even the blog has changed a few times since it was born on May 29, 2011. I went from posting a few times a week, to maybe once or twice a month, if we were lucky, to weekly on Wednesdays (how it is now). I've started posting from my phone, which is not an ideal situation but has made it possible to post a few times when I wouldn't have otherwise been able to. Also, there is now a "second set of baby steps" Facebook page! And, on Sunday nights, we now post our All Good Things in a new medium. 

One of my dedicated readers suggested that I mark this anniversary with a two-year blog review rather than a regular post. Read on for my favorite search terms leading to the blog, the most-read posts of all time, and a few posts I never actually wrote.

The Best Most Common Search Terms That Have Led People Here

1. "ways to eat canned tuna." The post: 50 delicious ways to eat canned tuna*, June 16, 2012.
2. "fear of ladybugs." The post: fear and ladybugs, September 10, 2011.
3. "date locals." The post: 5 reasons to date locals, February 15, 2012.
4. "and i smiled." The post: smiling meditation: war stories, April 15, 2012.
5. "baby steps for anxiety." The post: 5 ways to banish anxiety, February 23, 2012.

Top 5 Most Read Articles

1. single girl living. February 6, 2013. On food and cooking, mostly. "I'm crowdsourcing solutions to a world of problems, and at the very least asking questions that need to be asked."
2. better shared. October 14, 2012. On hosting friends and on local activities. "It doesn't matter what we do because we are doing it together."
3. another reformation. January 30, 2013. On church, and faith: the good, the bad, and the... next Reformation? "Anyway, I still think the Black-Eyed Peas raised a valid question: Where is the love???"
4. the same room together. July 9, 2012. On homesickness and identity. "But I couldn't shake one nagging question: What would it take for me to get 30 of my closest friends into the same room for four hours?"
5. things i've learned since i left college. March 31, 2012. A guest post by my friend and classmate Kyle. The title is pretty self-explanatory. I wonder how this list would be different if Kyle were to write an update. (Kyle? Do you have anything you would like to share with the class?)

3 Posts I Never Got Around To Writing

1. Pumpkin beer! I kept incredibly careful notes last fall about all the pumpkin beers I'd tried... But there were always so many far more compelling things to write about! This year, maybe...
2. Online dating. As this is something I've never personally done, I didn't think I could do the topic real justice... But it seems like an important part of the young adult experience! I've asked literally too many of my friends to count on two hands to write a guest post about it, and got mostly just shifty eyes in return. Maybe I can convince J to try online dating for couples? Or maybe someone will message me after this post and volunteer... Cough, cough.



i legitimately struggled to post this...

3. I was thinking at one point about writing a post about fear, talking about my debilitating fear of bees (and anything remotely resembling a bee) as a segue into all the things there are to be afraid of in "the real world." But then something a little more pressing and less depressing would come up and I would write about that instead. I have a feeling this one will officially resurface at some point.

Stay tuned, readers and friends. We've somehow stumbled this far; I have no idea where we will go from here but I hope we can find out together in the weeks, months, years to come!

All Good Things Reprise: Episode 13

Happy Memorial Day, dedicated readers! I'm never quite sure if that's the right way to say it: Happy Memorial Day -- because I don't see it as a particularly "happy" holiday. It's a good moment for reflection, though, so please take that moment. And if you have the day off from work, enjoy the day. Relax. Spend time with your family and friends and lovers. Raise a glass to honor someone.

Then, hit play, and read on:

1. Long weekends! Paid vacation!

2. Corndogs! Beer! Cookouts with friends!

3. The Class of 2013's Last Lecture was given by one of the All Good Things chart-toppers, an anthropology professor both Cassie and I loved through college. He regularly made the list when we actually had class with him 3-5 times a week, so it seems only fitting he makes the list now!

4. 10 things you might not know about love. This article was submitted by a loyal follower of the show and of this blog (Liz, you might have heard of her). I particularly like the connections between love and health in some of the later points. Thanks, Liz!

5. My sister is home from college for the summer! The fam is back together... And now I have someone to talk St. Olaf with :) Photo below.

6. Speaking of St. Olaf, I ended up behind another car with a St. Olaf sticker on the rear windshield this week. The incident has refreshed my quest to connect with other Oles in the Wilmington area.

7. Meeting new people! Our team for the Spartan race in July met up at Stanley's Tavern, a bar in North Wilmington, last night. Well, two thirds of our team plus one non-running friend met up. I hadn't met the other two runners, who are friends of Jason's, and they were really great. It will be fun running together. Also, we decided on our team shirt design :)

8. Getting together with friends I haven't seen in awhile. The non-Spartan who came out last night is one of my favorite people in this town, who I haven't seen in far too long. It was important for us to catch up.

9. Blueberry muffins! I haven't made them in awhile, but I've been saving up these blueberries in the freezer for awhile. My mom has a great recipe so I whipped them up this morning for a vacation day breakfast.

10. Goofy laughing. Just good for the mood :) Make sure you do some of that today.

Off to cook out and soak up the sun and day drink with my friends!

living the dream

These days, if I need to bring it up at all, I tell people that I graduated from college "a couple years ago." Full disclosure: next Wednesday, in fact, marks two years to the day since graduation, and not coincidentally two years since my first post on second set of baby steps. (I'll be posting something different and special, so make sure to tune in!)


this was me and my girl Lisa back in the carefree days

It's been two years, and I feel different.



Two years ago today I was probably the only person in the library on the last day of finals, racing the clock to finish my last paper for my last year of my college career. In between sections, I would have been scrolling through emails from the college career center asking, "Are you SURE you haven't found a job for after graduation yet?????!!!?!?!?" Subtext: "You're ruining our numbers and making us look bad."

My response was invariably, belligerently, that I still had no plans for after graduation. To be honest, I was almost proud and a little thrilled to be slighting "The Man," the proscribed "way of doing things," the pressure to "give back" to what I was increasingly recognizing as an institution just as flawed and convoluted as any other institution. I was not feeling very warm toward institutions at the time.

I don't think I would have believed you if you told me then what I would be doing now, two years down the line. I'm in a leadership position, at a for-profit company, doing marketing, of all things. I work in a field, like they always say, that was barely beginning to exist when I started college. I wear business casual, black and grey and brown, without patterns, for the most part. I am learning corporate jargon and business savvy. I read newsletters from LinkedIn. I get jazzed about examples of PR and marketing in the real world.

I live in Delaware, not with my parents -- but I do hang out with them for fun. I live in a city. I'm in a long-term, serious romantic relationship. I have a smartphone. I read nonfiction books for fun. I listen to NPR every day -- in fact, I am a member of my "local" (Philadelphia) public radio station. I go to church (only once a month or so, but still). I chaperone youth trips and activities, for God's sake!

I made my first green smoothie last night. (It was OK. I think I put too much banana in it.) I get excited about having 15 minutes to myself from time to time.

I wouldn't have guessed, when I was struggling to stay awake through my commencement ceremony almost two years ago, that this would be my life now. It's too much like what The Institutions told me I should be. I'm living "the dream."

And I like it, don't get me wrong. But part of me feels like I skipped right over my twenties. I skipped over the $100-a-month-stipend years in service to my society. I never lived in NYC or L.A. or the Twin Cities. My waiting tables phase was three months long. I loved it, for awhile. I have never been in a band. I don't go to concerts in coffeeshops, or hang out with starving artists (I do spend a decent amount of time with people who actually make a living doing art and writing, which is infinitely less hipster and can get depressing). I don't own a bicycle. I don't have beer for dinner on the regular. (Only on occasion.) I rarely day drink. I'm not sure I even have any beer in my fridge right now.

Last year, when I lived at home, I used to tell my mom that I hoped I would never become un-fun. I used to pray fervently that I would always be able to keep things in perspective, and never get dragged down by the humdrum and hurdles of adult life. I wanted never to take myself too seriously.

But I can already feel my mind growing inflexible in certain ways. I am resistant when the new people at work propose an idea I "know won't work." I haven't written a poem in weeks.

I made a very conscious decision not to stay in the Midwest, and I don't regret that. But part of me is jealous of my friends who all live together in Uptown, crash on each other's couches when they stop being able to pay rent, do idealistic jobs for community-focused nonprofits that can't really afford to pay them for the work they do -- but they truly are making a positive impact! They feature in each other's Instagram pictures, lit up in psychedelic pinks and purples, with up-and-coming Indie musicians onstage in the background and heavily garnished cocktails in the foreground.

I don't even like Indie music, and I still wish I was in those Instagrams.

This sounds pretty bitter. I'm not, really. I have invested a lot in my life the way it is now, and the return on that investment fulfills me beyond my expectations. I feel very lucky to have found the places and the work and the people I have found here.

So, what am I getting at, then?

I guess I'm just missing my friends, the classmates I was clinging to so literally two years ago, and the dreams we had. I'm afraid that I am becoming boring. I'm too responsible, and too scared of the world as it is uncovered before me, to be the fearless explorer I wanted to always be.

And yet, I am relieved at the relative lack of drama and crisis in my regular life. (Knock on wood!) It is nice when a lot of things stay pretty much the same for extended periods of time, and I don't have to move my stuff into storage and live out of a suitcase anymore (although my room is so small right now it pretty much is a suitcase). Even my hormones are leveling out. It is nice.

Maybe this is my next coming of age: reconciliation. Finding the balance between being fun and being comfortable. Maybe that's how I'll take it.

All Good Things Reprise: Episode 12

1. Baby! Woke up on Friday to pictures of J's new niece swaddled in blankets and all her grandparents' arms. So tiny and sweet!

2. The new Vampire Weekend album came out this week, and keeping with the theme of babies, the song Diane Young has been cropping up everywhere from Fresh Air to everyone's latest iTunes purchase, and stuck in all of our heads in the office all day, every day. It's included in this week's good things playlist.

3. The Scottish Festival! Right over the border in Maryland, it's a day of bagpipes, men in kilts, haggis, and day drinking. Gets me a little in touch with my fambly heritage. I should try to dig up something in the Ross tartan...

4. Spring cleaning! I've been waiting for MONTHS to clear out our freezer, which is literally bursting with food: some frozen meals in tupperware containers, some freezer bags of smoothie fruit, lots of freezer-burnt veggies and chicken, and who knows what else. Plus, this involves getting all the roomies together to do some serious excavating.

5. Silver Linings Playbook. I know. I'm behind the times AGAIN. But I finally watched this movie (set in Philly, right up the road) last night and it was phenomenal . Recommend.

6. Pets! They can brighten up my day and make me giggle like a kid! My friend owns a bunny that's chocolate brown named Noah, and I'm in love with him.

7. Rainy spring afternoons. Luke and I are currently watching Hook while listening to the rain. Awesome afternoon!

8. Luke and I took engagement photos this week (rather late, I know!) It was so much fun! We took photos in a bookstore. Although it was awkward for us to kiss in public we got used to it after a while!

9. I'm in my cousin's wedding in June, and because of this I've been able to spend more time with her than normal lately. It's been nice to get to know her again!

10. Not many people know this, but I love raccoons. I wanted to be one for Halloween every year when I was little, but we couldn't find a costume. Anyway, I saw one in my neighborhood this week! It was the first time I have seen one in the wild!

girls: i am one.

I know I am behind the times, but I finally got around to borrowing the first season of Girls from the library this week. For some reason the show completely fell off the face of the planet, or at least my circles of the internet, after the first season, but I didn't forget!

For the uninitiated, Girls is a show on HBO created by a 20-something young woman about the lives of four 20-something young women living in New York. It made quite a splash last year when it first came out, with general sentiment recognizing the show as revolutionary, the defining piece of television of our generation, Gen Y, the infamous Millennials. At least that's what I heard.

So, I thought, I'd better watch this. I meant to blog about it a year ago, when episode 4 was the latest. I watched episode 1 and was skeptical; thought, well, maybe I just have to get into it, and watched episode 2; was still skeptical; watched the first half of episode 3 because I felt I should be able to talk about the show that was sweeping the nation and couldn't finish it. I described it as painful. I still think, having watched the whole season, it is uncomfortably oversexed, over-the-top dysfunctional, overdramatic. But I can't hate it as much as I did originally.

My friends were asking me if I'd seen it, and recommending that I watch it. "Oh, it doesn't get good until episode 4," they'd say, when I told them where I'd stopped. My boss came in one morning raving about how this show is the most brilliant exposé of the psychology and experiences of American 24-year-olds (a well-represented demographic in our office).

The one real conversation I had about the show was with T, a male friend from my freshman dorm. We took a course series together in the history of Western thought, philosophy and literature. The turning point in my opinion of the show was when he said:

I see it more as a tale of disconnect. In a society more connected than ever, a lot of people who grew up with infinite amounts of communication feel more disconnected from themselves and others than ever.

He said he appreciates that the show addresses the confusion of being a young adult, one of those who grew up being told that we could do anything, be anything; one of those who graduated into a scene of general panic at the economic and social crises facing us every time we open our eyes. One of those who followed our passions, only to suddenly realize that our passions will not pay the bills and might not even sustain us emotionally...

Or one who grew up with so many options that we don't even have passions anymore. NPR did a story last week on an Ivy League graduate in his early 20s who is looking for his life's calling -- so far in vain. He doesn't even know what he wants to do.

The fact that Max and other young college graduates can even entertain this question — "What is my passion?" — is a new conundrum, and still a luxury not everybody enjoys. Yet, Tyler recently told me, it is "a central question of our time."

The world is changing. Of course it is. There is this to consider, and the fact that each new generation does have to come up with new solutions to old problems, and solutions to problems that didn't exist before, or at least hadn't come to light.

But I'm not convinced that past generations, when the bulk of them were in their 20s, didn't face the same hot hatred from the older generations who felt their seats contested. It's just that now, we read about it every damn day on the internet.

And here's one way I don't mind being lumped in with the inane, overdramatized bullshit millennial myth perpetuated in shows like Girls or, better yet, 2 Broke Girls: we are sick of being talked about! The marketers marketing to us are missing the point. As are the churches preaching to us. And the managers writing treatises about how to manage millennials. And the executives writing angry blog posts about why you shouldn't trust a 23-year-old with your company's social media, just because (s)he grew up with the internet. And then there are the articles, like the one in the New York Times recently which I can't find but was summarized to me roughly thus: "They hate this, they hate this, they suck at this... but they're going to change the world!"

I just want to go about my business. Yeah, maybe it would be cool to change the world, at least in some small way. I can think of a few things that could use a change. Maybe I am super self-centered, like all millennials supposedly are, because I am so concerned with getting my feet under me. Maybe what I have learned about having functional relationships is minimal compared to what I will know by the time I am 50 -- just by virtue of being alive longer and having had a lot of experiences with different kinds of relationships.

Yes, I am concerned about my career, partially because I have to pay rent and stuff, and because I now have a sharpening view down the road to when I will no longer be the only person depending on that career. But I am also concerned about my career because I am obsessed with doing good work, and learning things, and achieving goals. Particularly when doing so comes with the privilege of being included in a team of really interesting, smart and capable people who have experiences already that I will never be able to have because I am me and they are them.

I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to say, exactly. I guess it boils down to this: we are young. I think sometimes I need to be reminded of this. I am young! I have my whole life ahead of me! There is so much to do and to learn!

But really, Girls and the daily diatribes against "my generation" just doesn't really do it for me. Fancy that.

All Good Things Reprise: Episode 11

Sorry I didn't get a playlist together for this week; I swore I'd set it up already, but I guess not. I may have to move the time of this post, since it turns out I'm always stressed out and scrambling to get this live online! Which is counter the point.

HOWEVER, that doesn't mean there aren't any good things this week! In fact, I even tried to squeeze in a few extras. So... This week, YOU pick the tunes. :)

1. Iron Man 3! J. and I went to see this for date night this week and it was SO good! I highly recommend you see this movie.

2. "This Is Water." A striking and fabulous short film adaptation of a 2005 commencement speech at Kenyon College by David Foster Wallace. It's about 10 minutes long, but if you can spare a few, I highly recommend you watch this too.

3. The Color Run. It's the happiest 5k on the planet. I ran it yesterday in Baltimore with 25,000 other people and it was so hot but it was so colorful and beautiful... and yes, I would definitely call it happy.

4. I had a wonderful spring gnocchi at Good Earth in Edina last night. The peas, pea shoots, squash and zucchini were so fresh that it made me feel like I was eating Spring! I think I'll make it at home sometime soon.

5. Spontaneous hang-outs with friends! My friend Carol stopped by randomly this week, and we hung out/went for a drive. It was unexpected and so nice!

6. Remembering to say thank you. Sometimes it's so easy to go through a day wrapped up in my own world. It's easy to forget to express gratitude to those who deserve it.

7. Neighborhood book exchanges. We have about 10 in our neighborhood, and have dropped some used books in them. It's such a great way to get connected to others in our area by seeing what they're reading!

8. Summer shandy! When it gets hot at the beginning of summer, I immediately start craving Leinenkugel's. That right there is branding gone right.

9. Talking. Open communication is one thing I appreciate most about my romantic relationship -- SO unbelievably important -- but I have also enjoyed having some really good talks with girl friends this week, and with both of my parents, and my brother and my sister and even a few people I have never met before in my life. (Can I sneak in an extra good thing? Lunch dates with my dad, which don't happen quite often enough. And also my baby sister's junior prom!)

10. Mom! I spent the day with my mom and dad today. It's her birthday too! We got to hang out and enjoy each others company which was well needed. Happy Mother's Day to all the great moms out there!

I'm going to dedicate this post to our mothers, to the two moms that birthed us especially, but also to all the other women who have mothered us throughout our lives. I don't think I can ever really express how important you are to me and how much of an impact you have made on my life. This day is for you <3

you are starred

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). The wind is invisible, but its strength changes the landscape. You love with a power that is stronger than the wind, and the force of your feelings will move people.

I can be pretty thorny, tough to pin down. If you know me well, we have probably had some sort of battle sparked somehow by my seeming nonchalance about our relationship and its sustainability. You have probably stood by, biting your lip as you watch what is most certainly my back retreating from you forever. I don't consider myself an easy person to stay friends with; historically it has been like pulling teeth to get me to schedule a phone date or write a letter.

This week, on Monday evening, I suddenly fell violently ill. I was curled into a ball for a lot of the evening in response to awful head and stomach pain; I was getting increasingly delirious as the night wore on; by 9:00 I couldn't stand up straight without throwing up.

And of course, there was my family standing by, watching for their opportunity to swoop in and take care of me. They took turns knocking on the bathroom door and asking if I needed anything, despite my inevitable snap in response; my dad gave me a head massage; my mom gave me a wet washcloth for my face; my doctor-grandfather suggested a series of painkillers and, when I refused each and every one of them, he suggested my family pray over me. Which they did, and which, despite my convinced heathenism, actually made me feel the tiniest bit better.

But despite all of this attention, I was convinced that I was too gross and mean for anyone to actually want me around, and refused many offers to drive me home until it became clear, an hour or so later, that I wasn't going anywhere if I didn't let someone else drive me there.

Like I said, I can be incredibly difficult.

I've written about this before. One of my most personally groundbreaking posts, written almost a year ago, was about freely giving and receiving open-handed love. Well worth a re-read.

I've made progress since this post, but I still don't really get it. I have felt pretty selfish at a lot of points throughout these years since college, where arguably everyone is a little selfish; but it gets thrown into a different light out here when I'm not surrounded by other hormonal college students absorbed in hacking out our own paths.

Let's be clear: I'm still working on hacking out my own path. I don't foresee that ever really changing, so I've struggled a little with how to balance taking care of the needs of others while keeping my own feet steady underneath me.

J., my parents, even my roommates, seem to be constantly giving me things, giving me time, gifts, cards, emotional support; they help me out of situations and are very often willing to work with me to find solutions to problems I'm having, or to work around my schedule. My friends from far away will schedule phone dates with me, send me letters and packages, text me to say something reminded them of me.

In comparison, I feel cold, uninvested, unhelpful.

I mentioned this to a couple of college friends at a bar in New York City a few months back, that I feel unbalanced in my social exchange with the people around me. First, I said, I hate how much I got hooked on social exchange in Sociological Theory sophomore year. Social exchange theory explains social interactions in terms of balancing equations, equal trades. It creates a system based on people in relationships owing each other.

Now that's cold.

My friends looked at me curiously, and after awhile K. spoke up. "That's interesting that you feel that way," she said, "because I've gotten a LOT of mail from you since moving to New York. You're always sending me new granola because I told you that one time it's my favorite comfort food, and I've seen you pretty often... And you just told me I'm starred on your Facebook!"

Indeed I had. In fact both of these friends are starred as "close friends" on my Facebook page, which means I get a notification whenever they do just about anything on Facebook. It sounds a little creepy, but fortunately both of them were flattered to find this out. Even if I don't comment or like everything they post, I see everything. Just the fact that I've opted in to staying up to date on their lives, they said, shows that I care about them.

Which is true. I think about the people that have been a part of my life, and a part of who I am, every single day. I miss you guys. I can't turn off my radar for reminders of the people I love, even if I wanted to. And you can bet that these reminders are constant. It's just that I am forward-facing to a fault, and I'm fidgety and I get anxious if I ever start to feel stuck in place, in time.

This, in a nutshell, is why I identify so strongly and stubbornly as a Sagittarian: I am intense, restless, passionate. The horoscope I started this post with (from Friday) gave me the chills, because I know how true it is. Some time back it occurred to me, and I completely latched onto the idea, that I love fiercely. I don't always play nice and I don't sit still for very long (literally and figuratively), but I stick to things, and even more so things stick to me. Once you have me hooked you have your little lovely barbs in my heart for a long time. You're starred in my eyes.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21). The wind is invisible, but its strength changes the landscape. You love with a power that is stronger than the wind, and the force of your feelings will move people.

All Good Things Reprise: Episode 10

1. This is just to say -- one of my favorite poems ever... not written by e.e. cummings.

2. Camping. This includes the smell of campfire; being able to see the stars; going to bed exhausted, sun-kissed, a little sore from hiking; s'mores, of course; and having an excuse to be a little dirty.

3. I'm making granola as I write this. It's been awhile and this is already a good batch. I can tell it's going to cluster just perfectly.

4. Weddings. They're everywhere! I swear someone else gets engaged or married every week these days...

5. Pleasant people. The guy who checked me out at WalMart today (I know...but it's cheap!) had the nicest smile.

6. Aloe gel. Just saying, my shoulders are in a little bit of pain... But that stuff is THE BEST for soothing a sunburn.

7. Great coworkers. It really makes it a whole lot easier to swallow that I spend more hours at work than I do awake at home.

8. The first mojitos of the season! And with fresh mint!!

9. "Man-strength" coffee. Delicious, and sometimes necessary.

10. My bro. Shoutout to my first best friend, who I still think is great :)

a disturbance in the force / spring cleaning

Please excuse my absence, dear readers, from the blogosphere for the past 2 weeks.

If you tuned in last week or the week before, you might have been disappointed (or relieved, I suppose) to discover no lengthy treatise on the universe in its entirety, no rambling excuse for personal narrative, no amateur philosophical musings. I don't know how much you all count on my weekly posts, but I know the disruption to my personal schedule gave me some things to seriously chew on.

It doesn't entirely make sense to me how heavily I depend on my Wednesday evening blog time, and I have struggled to explain the role it plays in my life and why I take it so seriously. It's mindboggling, how guilty and unsettled I feel when I break this commitment I've made to myself to sit down and write a blog at a particular time. I feel some obligation to you all, my readers, as well, even though my weekly pageviews could be random accidental clicks on a search result or a Facebook news feed, for all I know.

Over the past few weeks, there have been plenty of disruptions to my daily grind, both personally and on a collective level.

Our society as a whole has been reeling from a few things since I last wrote: the bombings at the Boston Marathon; the explosion in West, Texas; the ensuing investigations of both of these incidents -- just today, in fact, the arrest of 3 others in connection with the Boston bombs; the continual onslaught of horrific shootings in the news, the latest trend being small children killing each other with guns... You know as well as I do what weighs on our national conscience these days. Such tragedies and conflicts disturb us, emotionally, mentally, physically, and disrupt the relative calm of the humdrum lives so many of us are desperately pursuing.

Then there are tragedies more close to home: someone was shot right outside my friend's apartment building in West Philly last weekend. My boyfriend's grandmother spent a week in the hospital, on life support and in Hospice, until she passed away last Thursday morning. These things disturb us too, and invade our home territory, the path of our daily footfalls. We all deal with grief and fear differently, but as much as some of us (cough) try to just smooth it over and do what we've got to do, we are never really the same after "something happens."

Lately I've been struggling with my routines. I miss the days of getting random phone calls from people asking to hang out and being able to accept, right there on the spot; I miss the days of being able to pick up random phone calls in the first place! I just spent a few minutes before starting to write this post looking back over some of my earlier posts. Even a year ago I was more carefree, almost flippant; my posts were shorter and lighter; I was less dry and set in my ways.

I'm doing a lot of amazing things with my life, but there is something missing.  Time to rebound. Time to process. Time to lick my wounds -- to notice them in the first place! And to heal.

So these past two weeks have made me realize that it may be time for a reboot. When so many factors outside of my control have torn my regular routine so thoroughly apart, it's made me examine why I started doing those things in the first place, what they're doing for me now, which ones I miss most when I run on a totally different track for two weeks. Which ones make me feel like they're supposed to, and which ones just aren't doing their job anymore.

Let's call it spring cleaning. I don't know yet what summer will look like when it's all said and done, what I will uncover and the total mass of discarded dust bunnies, but I hope to be able to ease into it. I pray for peace and time to grieve and the presence of mind to celebrate that which deserves celebration in this life.

All Good Things Reprise: Episode 9

1. Watching old Disney movies with friends and knowing all the words! Mulan specifically :) There's nothing like Disney movies to bring back some of my childlike enthusiasm!

2. Sleeping with the windows open. I love drifting off to sleep listening to the wind in the trees and watching the curtain blow in and out.

3. Grandparents! (We haven't had this on here yet which surprises me!) Luke and I have spent some time with my grandparents and his grandma in the last couple weeks. I leave feeling rejuvenated! They have such amazing words of wisdom to share and such funny stories!

4. Spring cleaning! I've been doing a little at a time, and it makes me feel so accomplished.

5. Birthdays! It's been a few weeks of intensive birthdays lately. My exchange sister was 18 last week; my baby sister just turned 17! And Thursday night was my roommate's birthday. Happy birthday everyone!

6. Friends With Benefits. My latest favorite movie. Also the source of my recently kindled love for Justin Timberlake, about a decade and a half late. But better late than never, right?

7. Good food! Especially when it is cooked with love and shared freely.

8. Young people. I know, I know -- I am a young person. But I just chaperoned a retreat for my family's church youth group and seriously, no matter how much I complain ahead of time about sacrificing my weekends for this stuff, it doesn't take long for me to remember why I do it: these kids are AMAZING. Especially having met some teenagers lately that make me worry a little about our regard for each other as human beings, the teenagers I get to know on these trips restore my faith in humanity. These guys are so smart, kind, funny, good-natured... A pleasure to work with, and a pleasure for everyone we come across.

9. Phone calls from people I haven't heard from in awhile, but still think about all. the. time.

10. Family. I can't say this enough. With everything that has been happening lately, I've been appreciating family with a depth that shakes the very foundations of my world. Also, I'm extending the definition of family beyond my nuclear family, beyond my blood relations, even, to the friends that have been absorbed into my family and the families of some friends. We get by with a little help from our friends and famblies.

even in the pictures

Dear readers, let this second week of placeholder posting not mislead you: I have not run out of things to write about and ponder; in fact, there is far too much going on. The post I had planned for this week was called "disruption & rebound" and it was about the latest series of interruptions to my routine, and how life is unpredictable and throws an impeccable and always unexpected curve ball. Think Trouble With The Curve, (spoiler alert) the guy Amy Adams discovers at the end. Incidentally, this is one of my favorite new movies I've watched this year so far.

I must also assure you that the unruliness of the world and the perpetual excess of invitations and opportunities is not making a permanent dent in my Wednesday afternoon blogging routine.

Let me explain. This placeholder post is dedicated to Mommom Sarah, and to her family, who have enriched my time in Delaware beyond all imagination.

Mommom Sarah is J's grandmother and she passed away last week. She was beautiful and sassy and charming. Funny, sharp as a whip. She was tiny, which is funny because she was the mother of four boys and she was always dwarfed by the men surrounding her -- but only in physical stature. In character, she holds her own. Even in the pictures.

All Good Things Reprise: Episode 8

Weeks like this make All Good Things a little tougher to write. But weeks like this are also why we need to look for good things in the first place. This world is not always pretty, not always easy. It is sometimes heartbreaking, sometimes devastating. It is very often difficult. All we can do is experience everything. But in the end, it's up to us to find and enjoy the beautiful parts of this collective story. And it's also up to All Good Things to find the beautiful parts of the story! So turn on the tunes, sit back, and make the most of this week's list. :)

Due to some technical difficulties and the collected chaos of this particular week, you can find the playlist here this week instead of in its usual format: http://m.youtube.com/#/playlist?list=PLXyIa8VIOAKcmoI_Wq1J9TjFwKKPbfsdx

1. The way people rise to the occasion of showing goodness amidst life's tragedies. I don't want to minimize the pain that has come as a result of Monday's bombings, and in the wake of it, but the general attitude of looking for a silver lining, or a positive takeaway, struck and heartened me. I'm sure you've seen that Mr. Rogers quote about the helpers rushing to the scene to take care of the victims; I wanted to post it here but I couldn't find the image in time to post.

2. NPR's latest blog, Codeswitch: News on the Frontiers of Race, Culture and Ethnicity. This was a total #nerdgasm on Monday morning, since codeswitching was my favorite unit in sociolinguistics. But it's still relevant to the non-sociologists out there, because it is ever-present in our day-to-day interactions.

3. The 80s: The Decade That Made Us. Also heard on NPR on Monday morning, a NatGeo TV documentary that is right up the AGT alley, if you happened to have noticed our musical taste...

4. Thursday was National High Five Day. This is great in itself, but it's cool that this year it's supporting the victims of the Boston Marathon bombings. The cherry on top was an electronic sign in front of WSFS, Delaware's "community bank," reading: FREE HIGH FIVES. Brought a smile to my face.

5. NPR Weekend Edition. I mostly like it all the time, but the weekend shows always make me happy: Car Talk, Radio Lab, On Being, This American Life, American Roots, and of course Prairie Home Companion!

6. Baby showers! I went to one this afternoon and the cuteness was uncontainable. Also, there is something uplifting in celebrating new life, something which is particularly striking given the events of this week.

7. More generally-- lately some friends/family of mine have been making some big plans for the future including having babies, getting engaged, and getting into grad school. It's so nice to share these experiences with them!

8. I bought a new pair of tennis shoes this week because my old ones are legitimately falling apart (pieces of my shoes would fall out when I took my feet out). It made me think about how important it is to spend some time/money on yourself sometimes.

9. Cribbage. Luke and I are playing together a lot lately and having a great time!

10. Coming home to loved ones after a long day. After hearing about the bombs in Boston and the explosion in Texas I feel so fortunate to come home to Luke everyday. (Same goes for Jason and my family. I appreciate the people I love so, SO much.)

carpe diem!

The NCC library computer system is down today. I had a post planned, but since it was about facing our mortality and fear and love, I think I'm going to take the gorgeous afternoon as an invitation to take a hiatus from blogging this week. Posting this photo and a brief message from my phone:

Do something you want to do! Get out from in front of your computer and find something to enjoy! Give yourself a few minutes or hours of a mini-cation. I'm giving you permission. In fact, I'm encouraging you. In fact, I'm passing on a message from the universe.

All Good Things Reprise: Episode 7

It's been quite a week, full of strange weather phenomena (see #2 and #6) and other surprises. Good things are what get us through the weeks -- even in the longest, most tiring, most turbulent weeks there are usually 10 things that are not so bad. So hunker down, hit play, and read on for the good in this week.

1. Afternoon naps. I got up early this weekend and have enjoyed some relaxing and lazy afternoons!

2. It had been snowing here for like the last 10 days, but I've been reminding myself that it can't last forever! Spring has to be on it's way to MN eventually, right? And it helps to think how much the vegetation will love the snow once it melts :)

3. Rekindling an old friendship. My friend from high school and I got together this week and made a plan to message some of our old high school friends to see if they want to get together. It would be great to see how everyone has changed and stayed the same.

4. Guacamole from Chipotle. I mean, I don't know what they do to it, but it's amazing.

#5: found in the conservatory at longwood gardens

5. The flower to the right. It is so delicate and it smells lovely. I was struck by how these blooms start out as tiny, hard little red buds, grow to bigger red-tinged white balls, which then explode into full, fluffy-looking flower. Incredible.

6. Enjoying time outside! Unlike Minnesota, Delaware is barreling its haphazard way into spring. I'm gradually reinfusing my skin with the vitamin D it has been so desperately missing these past few months... The sun is just beautiful.

7. We got a new toilet this week! It used to require some serious plunging every other flush or so, in a good week... But our landlord came and replaced it yesterday and so far it is smooth sailing! (For those of you who have fully functioning toilets, this is a reminder to NEVER TAKE IT FOR GRANTED! And also, take good care of it now so it doesn't come back to haunt you later... Somewhat literally.)

8. HIMYM, better known as How I Met Your Mother. Possibly the best show ever created. Like real life... but funnier, maybe because we're watching other people living it, or maybe because those "other people" happen to be an all-star comedy cast. (Just for the record, I'm not caught up; my preferred method of watching television is in a series of marathon sessions, some time after it was first aired.)

9. Family. Absolutely cannot tell you enough how much family means to me, and how important it is to have a solid family around each other when the going gets rough.

10. The following photo was sent to me via text message today from a college friend visiting New York this week for dance:

a conversation about the weather

Conversations about the weather have a bad rap.

Related conversations with a bad rap include: "How 'bout them Yankees?" which I will never be able to replace in my mind no matter how irrelevant it is in Minnesota, Wisconsin, Delaware, Ohio, or any other place I've lived or -ites I've lived among. There will be no "How 'bout them Twins?" or "Go Packs!" or "Da Bears!" for me, no sirree. Not that any of these openers would really whip me into a verbal frenzy. I can't really carry a conversation about sports.

But I can talk about the weather for quite some time. When I was a hall receptionist back at St. Olaf, our collegiate habitat formed the basis for my conversations with most passersby: "Little cold?" "Is it nice out? I might go lay out in the Quad later."

Now, as a young adult (new adult?), it still provides fodder for conversation, even with people I see and talk to on a daily basis and people I have a deeper relationship with. And as it turns out, the weather is actually central to a lot of facets of my life as a young adult. Thus its rampant appearances in small talk, and its centrality in conversation in general. Observe.

***

For the past few days in Delaware we've had temperatures in the mid-80s. That's right. I remember last week leaving for work in 29-degree weather. To me this kind of weather turnaround is somewhat alarming, but according to my Maryland-native coworker this is normal in these parts.

When I ran those 4 miles on Saturday morning, it was probably around 40° when we started running and maybe had reached 50° by the end; yesterday, I did about 3.5 miles around the Newark Reservoir after work at 85° and I will tell you that I felt the difference. It worries me a little to think about the Spartan race in July... But as Jason constantly reminds me, "The mud will help!" I sure hope so! 5 miles in the heat of summer sounds pretty daunting right about now.

Meanwhile, while I'm stealing moments to slip out of my sweater at work, my friends and relatives in Minnesota are wading through several inches of snow. Typical. A friend of mine who now lives in D.C. posted on Facebook this morning: "My facebook feed is alternating pictures of snow in MN and cherry blossoms in DC. Glad I am on the warmer side of things." Hear, hear.

Still, I can't help wondering if these strange weather events have been happening throughout my lifetime or if they are happening more and more as I get older; and if it is the latter, I can't help but worry a little that climate change is happening a lot faster than they told me it would when I learned about it in science class back in fifth grade. I swear I remember having gorgeous spring days, weeks on end, in fact, in March, right in between winter and summer. Am I hallucinating? At this rate, I predict that by the time I have kids, hurricanes will be hitting the eastern seaboard, as far north as Nova Scotia, every fall; most of the U.S. won't get any snow until about March, when we will all get dumped on -- repeatedly; most waterfront towns (rivers and oceans, mostly, but potentially also lakes) will have been chased to higher ground; and Manhattan will be underwater. Not quite The Day After Tomorrow; maybe more like The Decade After This One. Or The Year After Next.

On a personal level, the greatest immediate effect of the sudden weather change is on my mood. I am much, much happier lately. I can attribute this state of mind to a few factors, but I know for a fact a lot of it has to do with the amount of sunshine I have seen in the past few weeks, and the amount of fresh air I breathe on our lunchtime walks at work. Seasonal affect disorder has been on my list of things to blog about for a few weeks now, and now that I feel more steady on my proverbial feet I would like to make a resolution, my readers as witness: next year I will find a way to keep the cold and the shortness of the days from affecting the people around me. I can get through the winter, because I am aware of what's happening throughout the dark months, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel; but it upset me this year how much my cold, dark mood affected my interpersonal relationships. So my resolution for next winter is to raise my mood for the sake of the people I love.

So I am in a much better mood now, but I know the heat gets a lot less fun when summer really gets rolling. For a few reasons.

You remember that summer in St. Croix Falls and the naked days at Sunny V? Well, my house in Wilmington also isn't the most optimal as far as temperature goes. Lots of cracks and drafts. Poorly ventilated. Incredibly inefficient at holding or circulating any ideal temperature. (This also means that the weather has a pretty substantial impact on my utility bill. Now tell me the weather has no impact on our lives.) And, because of the cats, we keep all the doors closed in the house, which cuts off the air circulation even more. My room was already stifling this morning after 3 days of heat. I'm debating whether it would be worse to not be able to breathe when I'm sleeping because of the heat, or because my respiratory tract is full of cat hair. The answer still isn't clear.

And neither are my bronchioles.

Speaking of naked days, I have already realized that my professional wardrobe is not hot weather-optimized. I have about two dresses that are appropriate for work, and one of them is black and has 3/4 sleeves. The other one requires me to wear a sweater, and I wore that yesterday. I'm now stretching my remaining sundresses to their professional limit, by covering them up with sweaters and blazers, and wearing camis underneath them, and wearing flats to make it look like there is less leg sticking out the bottom. This is not sustainable. There is also the dilemma presented by air conditioning, and the fact that I will no doubt contract hypothermia at some point this summer, since there is a vent right under my desk and certain decision makers like to keep the office at least 30 degrees in the opposite direction from the outside temperature. SO, do I dress for the weather outside and freeze to death during the day? Or do I die of heat stroke on my way to and from work and then achieve some semblance of comfort while I work.

There is no end to heat-related dilemmas in my life.

Arguably the most serious of heat-related dilemmas was brought up at a neighborhood association meeting I attended the other night: crime. A few of our local legislators spoke at the meeting and warned us of the correlation between poverty and crime; and I know there is also a strong direct correlation between ice cream sales and crime -- sorry, heat and crime. So if poverty is rising, and the mercury is rising, then crime is likely to rise as well. I'm expecting this to affect me on some level, since I live in the city, just a block off the "bad part of town."

***

Now that I've graced all of your web browsers with some solid weather-related conversation topics, I'd better go soak up what is left of this lovely warm day. For my readers in climes not yet in the throes of spring/summer, I'll enjoy it for you ;)

All Good Things Reprise: Episode 6

And here we are at Sunday night again. It's been an increasingly gorgeous week here in Wilmington, and I'm beginning to feel the sunshine seeping back into my pores.

Cassie and I are still just contributing our sections, but I'm going to start laying them out without introduction of who contributed which numbers. All good things for everyone! Hit play and...enjoy!



1. Saw a bird carrying a twig in its beak while it flew across the road one morning this week, and was suddenly struck by the strange and amazing things that make up our life on earth. How pretty the other birds' singing was; the routine of this bird building a nest every spring; the fact that this bird can fly over the street with a piece of a tree in its beak. Just the fact that this is even possible.

2. As I was walking out to my car after BodyCombat this week I heard out of the dark a little voice shouting, "I LOVE YOU!" And then I saw the new guy in BodyCombat putting a little blond pigtailed girl into her car seat and saying, "I love you too." So beautiful.

3. There have been a couple of beautiful days this week. It finally feels like spring is coming! My backyard is full of bright green leaves -- granted, they are all weeds... But it still looks lush! And this whole week in Delaware it's supposed to be in the mid to upper 70s!

4. On Saturday my sister, my roommate and I got up and ran 4 miles for the Pearce Q Foundation, to benefit kids with cancer. It was a little cold, but so refreshing... And Katy and I came in at a little over 38 minutes! That's better than we had anticipated, and with decidedly negative splits. This is the first of 3 races we're running this season. Look for more in the next few months.

5. After the run, I took my sister out for brunch at Newport Restaurant, home of the most delicious sweet potato hotcakes in town. Love her. She loves whipped cream on everything. Photo included.

6. Long walks. I went on a few around the lake in my neighborhood and felt refreshed! Also, I like the smell of "outside" that lingers on clothes when I return home.

This is on my list too! I just got back from a walk along the Riverfront in Wilmington in the day's last rays of sunshine... Discovering a part of the city I previously have little explored, and finishing with my first summer ale of the season! Plus, Jason makes good company.

7. She's the Man! (Movie with Amanda Bynes) it was on this morning, and I was saying all the lines word-for-word.

8. Seeing my family at holiday gatherings. I got to see my little cousin, Emily, who told me, "red jelly beans are icky because they taste like cough syrup." Also her younger brother, Luke, who thinks it's hysterical that he and my Luke have the same name :)

Another samesies! Today we celebrated Jason's grandmother's birthday -- she has four sons, so not only was the food predictably fantastic, but there was plenty of goofy humor and fond ribbing going on. I'm a big fan of dad jokes.

9. Rainy days! I love love love the cloudy, rainy spring days that are headed our way.

10. Planning a vacation. Luke and I are planning our honeymoon and it's so fun to plan where we're going, how to get there, where to stay, and what to bring!

Until next week... Keep your eye out for good things in your world! And as always, feel free to share.

children of children: having parents with aging parents

I found out this weekend that there is a new genre in fiction: New Adult, which falls "after" YA in the literature spectrum but "before" adult fiction. To be honest, I didn't really know that YA had an official age bracket; in my mind YA meant "interesting" and adult fiction was code for "slow paced and trying too hard to be mature." (Forgive my sweeping generalizations. When it comes down to it I divide by books I like and dislike, and the genre is really a nonissue.) It turns out, though, that Young Adult fiction officially targets high school-aged teens, and it's actually required that the protagonist is between 13 and 17 years of age. New Adult fiction, though, is for young adults in the 18-21 age bracket.

I feel sort of left out by this arbitrary distinction, because I would consider myself a young adult; a new adult, if you insist; not quite a full-blown adult, not yet. Not because my responsibilities and concerns aren't full-blown adult concerns (i.e. rent, food, work, paying my bills, healthcare), but because I think there is a distinct set of issues that adults in my stage of life face. Some of these are generational, and some of them just affect twenty-somethings -- which I suppose could be an age category, but it has always sounded frivolous to me. I guess no label for my peers and I would satisfy me; we all know of my hearty distaste for limiting categories.

Besides, to be fair, even within my immediate friend group there exists a mindblowingly broad spectrum of issues we deal with on a day-to-day basis. Some of my friends are married and some are planning weddings; some of them are having babies and some of them have a kid or two already. Some of us are still on the fence about the whole dating thing to begin with. Some of us are focused on our careers, and some still funneling our energy into education, and some into service. Some of us are just trying to keep our heads above water.

Actually, that last point seems like the most widely applicable shared issue of my personal peer group. We're all just trying to figure out what it means to get by, and then how exactly to achieve that.

Note: Upon further research -- Wikipedia says new-adult fiction covers the "coming-of-age that also happens in a young person's twenties." Target market: 18-30. I'm more accepting of this category now, but still... 18 was a few years ago and I hardly even recognize it anymore.

So this is my guiding star for the blog and how I choose the baby steps I blog about: issues we face as twenty-somethings, and how we navigate them. Many of these issues are very personal, and I struggle to balance the very real considerations of privacy and particularly the privacy of others with my heartfelt belief that secretism and shame and reluctance to talk about the tough stuff is a huge driving problem in our society -- a root cause of mental illness, domestic and foreign political issues, crumbling personal relationships, institutionalized inequalities, and just general personal and societal instability. So, even though my parents and grandparents are some of my most dedicated blog followers, I try to be real on here about things I'm dealing with, whether I worry about what they might be thinking or not.

Speaking of grandparents, and age categorizations, I have been thinking a lot lately about a strange situation that I feel gets very little airtime. Having aging parents is something that people write articles and even books about. It's a gigantic gold mine for advertisers and marketers, and something a lot of people can relate to -- particularly because it's the Baby Boomers who make up The Aging these days.

But what's strange for me right now is having parents with aging parents. The combination of negotiating and navigating adulthood for myself while watching my parents and my friends' parents negotiating and navigating the aging of their parents makes for some pretty serious musing on my part.

One thing we commonly accept as difficult about thinking about old age is that it forces us to face our mortality. I know for a fact that my grandparents (and adopted grandparents, C&S) think about this pretty regularly. I know some of them are more graceful about coping with this uncomfortable truth. It's uncomfortable for our parents, too, when they still have jobs and routines and children who depend on them for food and shelter and education, to think about preparing for the inevitable end, and what happens after. And to think about this for their own parents, who may not still provide a basic livelihood for them, but who did for a good and important chunk of their lives, and who continue to be emotionally intrinsic throughout their lives. And, obviously, there is love that makes things very complicated.

So, now, our parents are having to face a series of odd decisions, like whether their parents are still capable of living on their own safely and comfortably; and if not, then where do they go? Into a "home"? Into our parents' homes? And how do we pay for all that? What about medical care? (We all know how I feel about the healthcare system in the first place; and when making medical decisions for someone else these things get even more complicated, particularly when the person you're making decisions for has always been considered perfectly capable of making those decisions for him- or herself...) And then there is the whole issue of estate, and what the house and unused furniture and other possessions should be used for, or if they should be sold; and tied up in that is what has been promised to the children, and how that will be divvied up.

And underlying all these questions and the others I have not addressed are the lifelong familial tensions and the roles everyone has always played in the family dynamic; plus the questions of personhood which is what makes most issues an issue in the first place: at what point can a person make a decision that directly affects the life of another person? At what point are we incapacitated to the point of losing a say in our own affairs? And then, who is qualified to make those decisions, and who has the final say? Especially, in this case, when there are multiple siblings. Imagine how the situation is magnified each time you add another voice and another family member, with their own worries and values, into the mix.

And what about if they are grieving, too? What if they are struggling to retain control of their own lives and their own selves and feeling it slowly slipping from their grip? They feel less sharp mentally and physically than they used to; they are forced to give up things they are passionate about and have given their lives meaning; they have already attended the funerals of siblings and friends and other contemporaries; they are waiting for dementia to set in, or insomnia, or incontinence -- for the dreaded ills and "second childhood," as we've heard it called.

So, these are the conversations happening among our parents' generation. How does this affect us?

It has been strange watching my parents and grandparents facing old age. Perhaps because of my relative lack of life experience and logistical and emotional involvement in the situation, the answers seem clear to me. I have read Tuesdays With Morrie and the Living Will and I have thought about these things; I have thought about what would happen if (knock on wood) something happened to my parents, what decisions and responsibilities I would be left with. I know my parents pretty well and I can guess what they would say to someone else faced with a similar situation. But I also understand how critical are the nuances that make this situation different from that; I understand, on a removed intellectual level, how emotionally complex these situations are. I know how fuzzy and heavy my mind feels when I am grieving -- or even just stressed.

So I am anticipating making these or similar decisions for my parents, imagining how my siblings and I will handle things, hoping fervently that the bonds I think so strongly bond us together will hold true when we are called upon to act. I'm picking out the traits my parents share with their parents, in what ways they will be similar and different... And in what ways I am similar and different from them. How I say I would handle a question they are faced with, but how that might not be how I would realistically handle it or how I will handle it when the question arises in front of me. What is my ideal model for dealing with an aging parent, and what factors will complicate that by the time it comes up for me. How can we kick the unhealthy patterns and replace them with ones that will work better? And how will I deal with the fact that, despite all my awareness and thought and premeditation, my decades of analysis can only do me so much good when it comes down to crunch time?

I know I'm being vague, but I also know that my family is not the only family looking at this situation. I know some of my friends are watching their own parents' families navigating this strange geriatric territory, and some of my friends are even thinking about navigating it themselves. I know it makes me feel old and very young at the same time, but the important thing is that it makes me think about the big picture of my own life and my life in community and the other lives in my communities. This is something, I believe, that makes us human and it's important that we not brush over it or try to avoid it. I'm taking notes. We'll see if they come in handy when my time comes.