the end is nigh

It's April thirtieth. A month from now the blog will be done. After tonight there will be four more Wednesday night reflections, and four more Sunday night All Good Things lists.

I don't know if I'm ready.


But really, will I ever be ready? I almost wrote the second sentence as: "A month from now Second Set of Baby Steps will be done." But that statement isn't true. The second set of baby steps I've been taking, and writing about, over the past three years are not going to stop when I stop writing about them. In fact, I could argue that life is really just one long series of baby steps. We just learn how to walk in different ways, different contexts. Like learning to walk on carpet and hardwood floor and grass and sand and cobblestones.

I don't feel ready to stop writing, but I'm not filled with anxiety about it, either. It's like shedding an old skin to make way for a new one (not that I know what that feels like, actually; I'm just guessing). I'm a little worried that maybe the new skin won't grow in all the way, or that it will be ugly or uncomfortable. But skins have been shed for centuries and continue to be shed, so chances are it will turn out just fine.

Things I'm Afraid Of In The Post-Blog World

1. Not writing. What will happen when I take away the commitment I've made to write twice a week? What will happen when I no longer have a huge dedicated fan following holding me accountable and waiting for my posts every week? (Shhh, just let me believe what I need to believe, guys...) What if I stop writing altogether?

I know what you're thinking: That's easy, slacker. Stop trying to get out of it. Just make a commitment to keep writing. That's that.

2. Losing one of my major coping mechanisms. On a serious note, the blog has been my journal over the past few years. I started it as a venue for working through tough adult issues in a public way, in hopes that it would help me and my fellow graduates, and it has definitely done that, if the responses I've gotten are any indication. And I hoped that it would keep us connected, so we could help each other through it.

What I didn't foresee happening was how the blog helped me stay positive through all the struggles. I felt like I had to end every post on a high note, or at least an optimistic one... And actually managed to convince myself most of the time!

3. Falling out of touch. This one, I think, is most likely to come true. Since graduation, when I meet up with people I went to school with, someone I'm not regularly in touch with will inevitably say, "So, what's up? I mean, I read your blog, but what don't you write about? What do you really think about things?"

Some posts have prompted out-of-touch friends to send me a message or start a conversation. Others brought outpourings of support from all corners. Some even spurred deeper relationships with people who were only acquaintances before.

4. Going dull. Overall, the blog has been the fuel for deep, broad, engaging, life-changing conversations and ideas that I had in abundance when I was in school, but have had a harder time sustaining since. I'm just now starting to find these conversations in person again, here. Maybe it's that I've been here long enough to develop that depth of relationship, or maybe I'm just getting more comfortable starting those conversations myself.

But what if, when I have no regular commitment to explore deeper issues, those habits fade and those parts of my brain start to dissolve?


* * * * * * *
So, here is my commitment to try and prevent these, my worst post-apocalyptic fears, from coming true.

Things I Will Do Instead Of Blogging

1. Help J cook dinner instead of hurrying up to finish my posts before date night can start. I'm not proud of this, but it happens. Maybe when I have dedicated my Wednesday nights to only one thing (pro tip) I'll be a little better.

2. Check my email. Maybe. Maybe I'll even respond to some of them!

3. Read books! So into this lately. My stack is still growing, but for the first time since high school I'm actually putting a dent in it.


4. Write letters. Another venue for those "big talks," maybe. Also Skype dates and Google Hangouts.

5. Start going to open mics and Delaware writers' meet-ups again. I've gotten remiss, since most of the other writers have actual writing projects in the works, and I just have a blog that doesn't develop in a way that is easily talked about.

6. Think about taking classes or going to grad school. I can hardly even sink my teeth into this one as things are now... I'm not committing to this, for the record - just to considering it.

7. Plan my wedding! I should probably take this seriously...

8. Work on other projects. I've got a lot of things lined up waiting for my attention, including but not limited to:
- finally starting work on my bottle-cap dry bar
- the poetry collection my boss has been pushing me to compile for two years now
- extending Girl Talk, my senior independent study project about the role talking plays in female friendships
- other mini/unscientific research projects that keep popping up
- an essay collection or series based roughly on the baby steps blog
- maybe actually finishing National Novel Writing Month for once
- or National Poetry Month
- building or finding some bookshelves
- doing art, to hang on my walls or send to far-off friends
- fixing or reappropriating some things that are broken, like jewelry and broken cups
- maybe turn the blog into a website
- put together the T-shirts I've been saving for years into a quilt

("Projects do be done" is always a list of its own...)


* * * * * * *
It's been a long time coming, this end. And believe me when I say it's not an entirely easy or happy thing for me to do. But I hope it will be productive.

One more month, readers. Let me know what you think about all this, how you feel about the blog ending, and what you want to read about in the final throes.

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