in the face of adversity

Yesterday I saw this picture on Facebook:

I don't normally read the longer stories online, but I did read this one. I wanted to know whether I was a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean. Here's the story:

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose. 

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, "Tell me, what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

The granddaughter then asked, "What does it mean, Grandmother?"

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity -- boiling water -- but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her granddaughter. "When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor of your life. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you changed by your surroundings or do you bring life, flavor, to them?

ARE YOU A CARROT, AN EGG, OR A COFFEE BEAN?

Of course there is a clear ideal answer: you don't want to get all soft and slimy; you don't want your heart to get all tough and bitter; you want to change the flavor of that boiling hot water. (Actually, this analogy feels pretty apt right about now, in this 96-degree, 88% humidity heat, when the air itself feels like boiling water!)

I was hoping the story would present three different but equally constructive ways to deal with adversity, because I can't say that one way works best for all people, in all circumstances. I told the story to J last night and after I left the explanation hanging there was a long pause. "So... which one are you?" he asked. "Because you were just talking about how you keep a cool head through the whole crisis and then at the end of the day you come home and cry. Wouldn't that make you a carrot?" Of course I bristled slightly at this suggestion, but it says a lot.

First, about what he considers weakness and softness. Crying, to me, is a very valid and constructive coping mechanism as long as it doesn't get in the way of good conversation or moving on with my life in a more overall sense. He saw it, at least in my story, as breaking down.

But he also said, when I told him about how I tend to power through until I get a moment to myself, "You need to share that with me." And then corrected himself: "You know you can share that with me."

We agreed that the carrot-egg-coffee bean paradigm doesn't satisfactorily address the importance of community in dealing with the struggles life deals us. Any regular readers know how crucial of a role this recurring theme plays in the blog and in my life.

And overall, I maintain that the Coffee Bean Theory applies not as much to individual situations, like the "powering through a crisis and then breaking down" scenario, as it does to an overall attitude of dealing with struggle and pain. As the good Protestant girl I was brought up to be, I put a lot of faith into the idea that struggle builds character. Our trials and tribulations make us stronger and despite all the dysfunction this attitude has caused in our society I have drawn a lot of comfort from this dogma and have taken constructive life lessons from the adversities I have faced throughout my life.

 

Speaking of facing adversity, I finished the Spartan Race this weekend! We had to climb about 2 miles straight up a mountain, with sandbags to weigh us down and ropes to help us out at different points; and then we had to descend about 2 miles back down, through mud and water, under barbed wire, over walls and fire. Out of 23 obstacles we counted afterward there were only four I couldn't finish. I was left with a few relatively minor cuts and bruises, and some muscle soreness that hung around for a day or two after, but a high that lasted a full day after we got home, and pride in actually having finished the race!

The best part, though, was the community. (Here it comes...) There were people cheering us on the whole way, and of course there were some challenges I wouldn't have been able to complete without boosts from my teammates. And the coolest part about this race, as opposed to some others I have run, was the camraderie between other competitors, other "Spartans." We got to talk and laugh along the route, and help each other out, and support each other. We were sharing in this incredibly intense experience, both physically and mentally, and it gave us some common ground to stand on.

Some takeaways:

1. Believe you can do it. The biggest blocks were the mental ones, hands down. The times I had to forcefully squash my fear were the times I am most proud of in retrospect, and the times I wasn't able to do that were the times I failed to complete a particular challenge.
2. Appreciate your teammates. We got each other through in different ways, whether it was physical help overcoming an obstacle or just moral support. And then we got to eat and drink and reminisce about our proud accomplishments afterward.
3. Try everything. My goal was to finish the race without getting horribly injured. I had no idea what was coming around every turn, but I wanted to at least try every single thing they threw at me. Some of them I failed miserably at (the spear throw, for example). But at least I did try, and I got farther on some of them than I thought I would. And I know now what I have to do to prepare for next time.
4. Keep moving. I tried so hard not to lose momentum at any point throughout the race, because I knew that if I stopped for too long I would get tired and lose the energy that was really the only thing keeping me going. On the flip side of this, you have to take a break if you need it. But know when is break time and when it's time to power through. Otherwise you might find yourself suddenly wallowing in the doldrums. Not good.
5. When it's all over, eat, drink, and be merry. We got free beer after the race, and open-air spray-off showers. And then we went to a delicious restaurant to recharge our batteries and collect ourselves for the drive home. You have to check in with yourself and take care of your needs before you can expect great things.

Maybe it's just me, my 5-step plan, and that is my coffee bean and you like yours French roasted or snickerdoodle-flavored. (Maybe I can rescue this analogy by likening different coping mechanisms to different roasts and flavors of coffee beans...?)

In any case, if anything has become clear to me since I left St. Olaf it is that there is a lot of adversity in the world and in the day-to-day of our normal existence. There are many things that have made the news this week alone that make this painfully clear (the outcome of the Zimmerman trial, political corruption as usual, domestic violence cases and car accidents). I won't address any of them individually since this is already pretty long and I should be en route to the Delaware Shakespeare Festival in a minute or two, but I will say that it is almost entirely up to us how we handle the curveballs and the hardballs that come at us and I'm doing my best every damn day to make bitter coffee taste sweet.

What's your roast? Carrot, egg, or coffee bean?


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