fear and ladybugs

"Listen.

When I was a little girl I used to spend HOURS looking for ladybugs.

Finally, I would just give up and fall asleep in the grass.

When I woke up, they were crawling all over me."

-Katherine, Under the Tuscan Sun

The thing is, ladybugs don't JUST come.  Because you have to be in the field in the first place.

I have been in town almost three weeks.  As you have seen, I have been steadily nearing lunacy for lack of an external community and tasks to tick off.  (I love the library.  Libraries in general.  And the New Castle County library system is one of the best I've encountered.)  I have clicked through so many job descriptions.  I probably haven't completed as many applications as it feels like I have, but I've spent a lot of time thinking about what I want to do with that time.  Also, I have at least 4,586,408 resumes to my name now.  Thank you, Center for Experiential Learning, for teaching me life's most important skills.

So I am definitely in the field, and I've been searching for ladybugs using every tool and tactic I can think of. It's slow going, and it helps to remember that it is just slow.  Everyone I've talked to, when they find out I'm looking for work, rolls their eyes and says, "So how's that job market?"  Some people spend months looking for employment, and I can't imagine how absolutely insane that would make me.  It may help to be less picky, but this is my life I'm talking about.  I want to do something that I can at least stand, something I want to spend my time doing.  This morning I stumbled upon my brother's first year architecture portfolio, and just flipping through it, even though it's largely unintelligible to me, I am in awe of how much he loves what he's doing, and how good he is at it.  I know he spends almost literally all his time working on his models and drawings, even during the summer, but it looks effortless and I envy his conviction.

I decided last week that the key is to stay refreshed.  I found new physical locations from which to conduct my job search, places I might see or meet someone new, find new local publications and get oriented to this new environment.  It's like the rules of The Game: laugh as often as possible, surround yourself with people you like, do activities you enjoy, and the person whose eye you're trying to catch will most likely notice you.  And if he doesn't, then you're happy anyway!

So toward the end of my week of refreshment, I got a part-time hostessing job at a restaurant near my house, and then I got a call back from a really cool PR company, and while I was in the interview with them, I got a call back from another advertising company.  From my brief encounter with the first firm, I at least feel reassured that my community is out there.  There are people who want to enrich the broader community and who have created a team with which to do so, in places I had never really thought to look.  Suddenly there are a few ladybugs that so far haven't morphed into Asian beetles.

(For those of you that are not familiar, Asian beetles are a common phenomenon in dorm rooms and empty houses in the Midwest.  They look like ladybugs until you know what they really are, and they stink if you touch them, scare them, or squash them.  So here's hoping.)

Now I'm realizing that the possibility of actually finding something to do can be almost as scary as the possibility of never finding anything.  Because the results I'll have to turn out impact far more than just myself.  So I want to do a good job to show that I can do a good job, and also because I have an objective to achieve.

I love objectives.  Today I have to come up with some sound bites (something new and different) and unearth some quintessential writing samples, to show that I have potential and the ability to say something of substance.  I'm somewhat nervous but, as a boy with a motorcycle once said to me, "I try not to let my fear keep me from doing anything."  And as we have seen, good results often come of this overcoming, enriched by the courage it takes to achieve them.

So, dear readers, blunder onward.  May we all crawl with ladybugs, and never fear confusing them with Asian beetles.  I'm sure even those are good for something.

"Ladybugs, Katherine.  Lots and LOTS of ladybugs!"

-Frances